General Does a 'sufferer' needs a 'supporter'?

[Hojay]

And I would add: there should be no such thing as “unconditional love” in relationships. That’s reserved for people you gave birth to, and even that can be called into question looking at some supporters on here. Love is great, but always consider the conditions you need met to dispense it. Sounds cynical, maybe even selfish? I don’t think so. It’s the first line of defense against abuse and co-dependency.

 

[Snowflakes]

And I would add: there should be no such thing as “unconditional love” in relationships. That’s res...

I’m starting to learn this the hard way. Very good advice @Hojay

 

[Hojay]

Me too, @Snowflakes, very much the hard way. As this idea runs counter to everything I ever believed about love, connection, and spirituality (ya know, the hippie kind) I practically had to surgically remove the concept of “unconditional love” out of my brain.

 

[MrMoonlight]

As a sufferer I'd love to have a healthy relationship with a supporter. To do that though I'd have to be willing to hurt someone by isolation, dodging etc at times. Not something I'm willing to do and not positive for anyone's life. And I'm not holier than thou, I'm not looking to get burned again either.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

As a sufferer I'd love to have a healthy relationship with a supporter. To do that though I'd have...

@MrMoonlight, Although it’s hard, I’ve learned to accept the isolation and dodging. If I love my sufferer, I want to be there and support for when they’re having challenging times.

 

[MrMoonlight]

That's just amazing to me @B.J. You are one in a million. I see and understand the benefits of having a supporter, I'd love to have someone in my life. I just don't have a good history with people and letting someone in is an absolute leap of faith to me. Im so messed up.

Anyway it's neat to see people like you and many members on this site who have opened themselves to others..exposed themselves here, it's inspiring sometimes.

So many things, numbness to flashbacks.

 

[Buttercup]

And I would add: there should be no such thing as “unconditional love” in relationships. That’s res...

I am learning that for me, unconditional love in a relationship is crucial. For me, it's about forgiving the flaws and insecurities and loving someone as they are, not how I want them to be.

There may be a fine line heading over into codependency and that is the learning part of it. If there is something that I can't accept and love unconditionally about someone? Well, they don't need to be a part of my life. It's a choice.

 

[Hojay]

For me, it's about forgiving the flaws and insecurities and loving someone as they are, not how I want them to be.

I am totally on board with this. It's crucial to love someone as they are, warts and all, and not for who we want them to be. But I don't see that as unconditional love. "As they are" can change or reveal itself with time, which is when we have to make our choices about continuing to love them "as they are," or not. So there is the "condition": The "as they are" being acceptable to us.

(What makes this choice so tricky with PTSD in my eyes is that "as they are" is such a murky, multi-dimensional concept and not so easily determined.)

Unconditional love, on the other hand, is more along the lines of: no matter what you do, how you behave, what you say to me, or how much you hurt me, I will love you and be here for you unconditionally. There are people where that kind of love is natural. Our children, for example. Family to a lesser extent. In relationships, at least in my own sad experience, it is always misplaced.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I absolutely love what you just said @Hojay! I can love unconditionally if I’m equipped with everything I need to know upfront. I can make a conscience decision on if this can work for me. As ptsd changes behaviors sometimes, a person is often confused on what’s coming next.

 

[Buttercup]

I am totally on board with this. It's crucial to love someone as they are, warts and all, and not for who...

I don't think it's about loving someone who hurts you. Or maybe you can love them but leave them, you know? I think it's about learning what is abuse and what is abuse to you specifically. Unconditional love doesn't mean I need to love an abuser or someone who is intentionally treating me badly unless I have made the choice that I want to be with that person regardless of their abuse. If someone chooses to be with someone who treats them badly, then they need to love them for who they are because as we know, we can't change people. Also, loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean you have to love everything about that person, but you love them in spite of the things about them you don't love.

 

[Buttercup]

I absolutely love what you just said @Hojay! I can love unconditionally if I’m equipp...

That is not realistic. You can never know everything about a person upfront. Those things unfold over time and even people who are married for decades don't fully know each other 100% oftentimes.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

That is not realistic. You can never know everything about a person upfront. Those things unfold ove...

It’s realistic for me. Of course I’m gonna learn more as time progresses, but if I can’t get as much truth as I can in the beginning, that helps me make decisions I need to. I would agree that some people know how to lie (jerks), and if so, I’ll find out eventually. Once I know, I’ve made my decision to move on. No one knows everything upfront realistically, but I try to give people a chance at least.