Can i ask my therapist and how?

[SinkorSwim]

So Im working on si and sexual abuse in therapy. My therapist has told me she has a roommate. We have discussed incorporating touch into my therapy as I'm afraid of it. I'm 99.99 percent sure my therapist is a lesbian but I have never asked. I don't have any issues with this and have friends that are gay. Last session we were discussing feelings of being alone and she teared up a bit and said she had a different situation where she had the same feelings and said she doesn't usually reveal these feelings to anyone but wanted me to know she connected with me on those thoughts. I know I'm not there to be her therapist but i do think it would help our therapeutic relationship to tell her im okay with her touching me even though she is a lesbian. When I first met her she said she was a therapist for the LGBT community and has worn a couple of rainbow shirts. I also sort of suspect as the placement of rings on her fingers and i might have looked her up on Facebook. Please don't hate on me for Facebook stalking. I looked her up to help my trust tissues. So how do I ask without making it seem like a big deal?

 

[UnicornSightings]

You want to say “I’m ok with you touching me even though you’re a lesbian?”

You have issues with it. Otherwise that thought wouldn’t have even popped into your mind to say that. You can say anything in therapy but if you say those words she’s gonna have some questions for you for sure. I think that’s an offensive thing to say but again, it’s therapy and that’s totally ok for that environment. It’s like, let’s say you’re African American and a therapist and I’m your client. “It’s ok if you touch me even if you’re black.” Do you hear how that sounds? So yeah, for sure say it but be prepared to talk about it in depth.

And also, nothing wrong with Facebook stalking. I’ve done it as well. Therapists usually keep some of their page public solely for their client’s curiosity. I haven’t stalked my current t’s page yet but we aren’t that close yet.

 

[SinkorSwim]

I don't have a problem with it. I thought it would help her feel reassured. I can now also see how it can be taken the wrong way.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I don't have a problem with it. I thought it would help her feel reassured. I can now also see how it...

Do you think she’s not ok with her sexuality? Why do you feel the need to reassure her? Because she said she felt alone?

I think it’s really kind to want to reassure someone and put her mind at ease. It really is. But why do you think that’s your job?

(Btw I’m just asking these things to maybe help, I totally feel the need to reassure people so it’s possible I’m even projecting here. Take what everyone says with a grain of salt cause it’s not exactly like we don’t have issues lol!)

 

[UnicornSightings]

It’s really good stuff to explore though so I hope you do say something!

 

[Stephernovas]

So Im working on si and sexual abuse in therapy. My therapist has told me she has a roommate. We have...

So I was wondering, I’ve heard often times that therapists who work in the LGTBQ community are lesbian, gay, and/or etc themselves. I hope you don’t mind me asking, and please feel free to decline if you feel uncomfortable, but how do you identify?

You want to say “I’m ok with you touching me even though you’re a lesbian?”

You have...

I would also support omitting this. It sounds so, so wrong. Keep the touching a separate issue to discuss.

 

[SinkorSwim]

Because I care about her.

 

[barefoot]

If you want to ask her about her sexuality, it sounds like it is in some way “a big deal” for you? By which I don’t mean you necessarily have a big problem with it. But something about it intrigues/interests you or there’s something about it which you feel you need to address in some way.

I’m not sure why you really need to know how she identifies in order to do therapeutic work with her. By all means you can ask, but she may well not be prepared to share. You are, after all, inviting her to out herself to you. And it’s possible that she may just flip it back to you to explore what’s behind your questioning.

And, as others have said, if it’s because you feel you need to reassure her, that’s not your job. You don’t need to do that. There might be something there to explore with her in terms of what’s going on in the relationship/dynamic that has you feeling that you need to try to take care of her.

And I agree with others - having people reassure you that they have no problem with you being a lesbian never comes across as them really having no problem with you being a lesbian! Whatever your intention, it does bring an element of judgement into a conversation, which can feel awkward at best and highly offensive at worst.
Just speaking from experience here!

For me, I don’t expect anyone to have a problem with my sexuality/my relationship, so when someone decides to inform me that they don’t have a problem with me/my relationship, it just feels very jarring and it does leave me feeling that they do, in some way, see that there is something potentially problematic there.

I know that isn’t your intention - quite the opposite. I know you want to be kind and to reassure her. I think there is possibly an interesting exploration to be had about you feeling a need to reassure/look after her?

 

[SinkorSwim]

. I hope you don’t mind me asking, and please feel free to decline if you feel uncomfortable, but how do you identify?

This gives me an idea maybe i can ask her why her reason why she's felt alone?

 

[Stephernovas]

This gives me an idea maybe i can ask her why her reason why she's felt alone?

No. That is none of your business and you are not her therapist.

 

[SinkorSwim]

Gah! So she can care about me but I cant care about her

 

[Stephernovas]

Gah! So she can care about me but I cant care about her

Exactly. She gets paid to do just so.