Relationship Should I Just Come Out And Ask Him?

[carys]

I am very nervous to post. But I am very confused. I have been a member of this site now for about 3 weeks. I have read a lot about this illness trying to understand what it is and how best to deal with it and yet I still find myself very confused. I have been talking with a man who is deployed in Iraq. We have been “talking” since August and I met him through a friend while he was on leave. I believe he suffers from PTSD or PTS. I believe this because from what I've learned all the signs and symptoms are there and furthermore he has said that he is “struggling with something serious within me” but he has never come out and told me he suffers from either of the two. He refuses talk about the future, he has low self esteem/confidence, he seems depressed, he bottles up when I talk about anything that has to do with emotion, he has communication issues. When he was on R&R he had a horrible nightmare about “work”, he’s a army medic. He’ll say things like “You don’t have to care about my feelings because there isn’t a reason to” or “If I get close to you I’m going to run” or “I just don’t know anymore”. When I asked him what he doesn’t know about he just said “oh nothing” and he won’t say anymore. And I didn't push it. Should I have pushed it? When I tell him I think he’s an amazing person or that I think he’s super cute, he says “stop, no I’m not”.

I want to ask him flat out if he suffers from either of these but I don’t know if that is the right thing to do at this time, he is still in Iraq. Furthermore, he asks me not to ask him to “talk” but doesn’t elaborate about what not to ask him to “talk” about. I try to speak with him about topics like camping, books, everyday life, cars, the weather etc…and I don’t get much from him, except one word or one line answers like “haha”, “nice”, “good”, “nope”, “yes” or “no” sometimes I’ll get nothing more than one of those smilie symbols. The only time we have a true conversation is when we talk about sex. It seems his feelings about us have changed although he still wants to sleep with me. And I’m getting bored talking about sex all the time and I don’t want a relationship or even a friendship when the only conversation I get is about sex. But I don’t know how to bring this up without making it worse for his “struggles”. Should I even bring anything up to him while he’s over there?

I have stopped contacting him, not because he’s asked me to but because I just don’t know what to say to him anymore. And it’s hurting me, I don’t’ want him to think I stopped contacting him because I don’t care, I just don’t know what to do or what to say. He has not tried to contact me either, however, it’s only been 4 days. I want to be there for him but I have no clue if he even cares if I talk to him anymore or not. I have no clue if contacting him is better or worse for his situation. I do want to continue to speak with him but only if we can speak about things other than sex. I am just so confused. Confused about what kind of conversations I should have. Should I continue to contact him? Should I ask flat out about his “struggles”, should I demand answers? Can anyone shed any light? Thank you.

 

[helena]

Hi Carys,

I guess I have two hats and my carers hat would say that it is good to offer support to a man currently in a combat situation (ptsd or not).

However, my other hat is very concerned about the consequences for you if you continue to pursue this man. I don't believe in chasing after love - however romantic it may seem at the time - but I'm guessing you are quite young?

I am not sure whether a diagnosis of cptsd would make any difference to me at this stage in your position and it could be fooling you into making excuses for why he is not responding to you (other than in a sexual way) so maybe its best for you to forget about the diagnosis issue and concentrate on the behaviour he is currently demonstrating towards you.

If he does have cptsd, then many people will no doubt tell you that combat ptsd (or any ptsd) requires a lot of love from the carer. It is certainly not romantic and there is no 'cure' currently available. If he isn't completely, head over heels, besotted with you then you will never be enough for him to even try to get help. You may want to be, but you need to face facts, if you are not the 'one' for him, then you are not the right person to see him through this condition, and he is certainly not the right person for you.

Sorry if this is harsh but you asked the question and I just want to be honest....

Helena

 

[carys]

If he isn't completely, head over heels, besotted with you then you will never be enough for him to even try to get help. You may want to be, but you need to face facts, if you are not the 'one' for him, then you are not the right person to see him through this condition, and he is certainly not the right person for you.

Sorry if this is harsh but you asked the question and I just want to be honest....

Hi Helena,

Thank you for your reply. No worries about being harsh. That's the thing. He was head over heels for me!! That's how I fell for him in the first place. He would not stop pursuing me. He would not stop being sweet and caring and thoughtful. He has told me on numerous occassions that I am "the one" but he hasn't said that in like 3 months. Now, three months later, it's not so much like that, but at times maybe like once a month he'll tell me he misses me or gives me a Kiss smilie symbol or something like that. I am not giong on just what he is like now. He has asked me to be patient and understanding, but it's like how much can I take. I don't know. I want to call him out but i'm not sure that's the best way to go about this, if he was here, I'd call him out in a second, but he's not and I don't want to add to the stress he has over in Iraq.

One more thing. He does responsd to me, just not the way I would like him to respond. He does answer my inquires he never ignores me but he never elaborates on anything unless it's about sex.

 

[helena]

Okay, then maybe it is the current situation he is in.

My SO has always said that one of his worst nightmares was to be paired with a 'buddy' who instead of watching his back was pining over his girlfriend/lover back home.

Soldiers have to switch off emotionally to be able to deal with the danger and to keep themselves and their mates alive.

It could be there is no room for you right now because it would be just too dangerous for him. He cannot 'feel' too much right now.... he has to be a combat soldier and do things to survive.

I wouldn't push him too much on this, not while he is out there, for his own sake.

Maybe when he is back home, things can be different for you.

Take care

 

[Nicolette]

I haven't had time to read this whole thread but I did skim the introduction.

Anthony told me that when deployed you have to "turn into a different person" - one who is always on the alert, adrenaline pumping and possibly fearing for life. They have to protect themselves and that usually means cutting off feelings to a point as that could make them vulnerable. Eg a small child wandering up looking hungry and sad but is actually loaded with a bomb.

Perhaps being in Iraq is the problem and not your relationship? I don't know but you have to take note of what I have written above and factor that in.

 

[carys]

I don't know. Doing a nearly complete 180 degree turn in such a short amount of time is hard to grasp. I have no idea how he feels, no idea. I just need to move on with my life and in time things will work themselves out. Thank you for your replies.

 

[CCurry]

I totally agree with what's been written....soldiers do have to switch off. When we express emotion from back home this could lead to them being triggered.

I learned that the hard way. When my bf came back he told me there were a few times after a phone call with me (thanks to my anxiety) that he went out looking for a fight. Bad idea!

Just move on about your day, life (easier said then done) and hopefully things will work out in time.

C.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Carys,

I agree with CCurry, continue on, keep your options open (with him or someone new), and take each day as it comes. Follow what your heart of hearts tells you.

However, I am posting this just to add, I suspect you can accept the feelings he expressed earlier as genuine. Though relationships end or continue for various reasons, if you have done nothing to indicate otherwise, there is no reason to trust that he thinks differently of you. And specifically, that he was genuine in what he espressed, even if this relationship ends.

However, the problem with ptsd is, sometimes "feelings" can't be tolerated, nothing to do with the other person, just a terrible "side effect" of this disease. It can't be changed until if and when the person is ready to do whatever it takes to face it and tackle it in a new and unfamiliar (and therefore scary, exhausting and emotion-laden) way.

 

[carys]

Thank you so much. I do believe his first thoughts were genuine and real. They have seemed to disappear but I do get something emotional from him every so often, it's not much but i am learning to take what I can get because even the slightest show of emotion makes it easier for me because I know how hard it probably was for him to do. Your responses have been uplifting and I very much appreciate it.

 

[catjudo]

I wanted to reply to other posts but I am not allowed yet so I am posting where I can. I just started a relationship about 3 months ago with a man who is deployed in Iraq. This forum has helped me soooo much. He exhibits A LOT of the traits of PTSD sufferers and I didn't know that was what he was suffering from until I came across this forum. Now his behaviors make much more sense to me.

He has never told me he sufferers from it but I think he knows he sufferers from it. If I speak/email with him too much, he'll be unresponsive for days at a time. I haven't spoke with him in a few days so today I just sent him a message saying, "busy here but thinking of ya!", now after reading some posts I have found that doing that probably isn't what I should be doing. Now, I'm thinking I've ruined it with him or he's thinking "ugh, go away, she's so annoying". :(

I never know what to say to him. After reading these forums I will give him space and have him initiate contact with me and I've done that in the past and it's worked well. My question is, should I tell him I know/suspects he suffers from PTSD? I am so positive with him all the time b/c of the situation he is in and I tell him how amazing he is often (eventhough he doesn't believe it). Should i continue to do these things? Or should I act "tough" and not say these nice things to him? Should I let him know i know about his PTSD? I am sooo confused as to how to best deal with him. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm some kind of pushover, which I'm totally not, but he's just in such a crappy situation, I can't bring it upon myself to give him anything negitive when he's over there.

You've asked this same question about whether you should talk or ask him about PTSD previously. You got a number of responses. I'm a little unclear as to why you're asking the same question again.

 

[MontanaJem]

it's not much but i am learning to take what I can get because even the slightest show of emotion makes it easier for me because I know how hard it probably was for him to do.

I feel this way with my PTSD sufferer too. I know it takes a lot of effort for him to express how he feels about me, especially verbally or in writing. He is very slowly getting more comfortable with it and I always acknowledge his effort. For the most part, his actions and how he treats me are the best indicators I have and that's what I've learned to go by.

Jem

 

[carys]

You've asked this same question about whether you should talk or ask him about PTSD previously. You got a number of responses. I'm a little unclear as to why you're asking the same question again.

In my first post I did not feel as though I was getting the feedback i was looking really looking for, so i went and read a lot of the forum like suggested but i still was very confused, so I asked again and this time I am getting very good feedback.