Sufferer Wanting to reconnect with my body, unsure exactly why i’m disconnected.

[Ladygdala]

It is a dead end to compare trauma. Age and all sorts effects the impact as well as other factors we do...

Im new to this site and I realized I didn’t click “reply” when I wrote you back my novel lol it’s in the thread above a few posts. Thank you again for replying and giving me such honesty. It’s all I’m wanting to work towards

 

[Abstract]

Thank you for writing that out. A lot of things can leave us feeling very confused. Some things are obvious and others can be affected by age, age gaps and power dynamics. Context is often quite important. The gap between you and your brother for example. The exact nature of what happened with him and the cousins too. How you felt at the time.

I'm going to go to some of what you said as I think it may be clearer for you. You said you had a lot of sex pre teens. Is that correct? Was that with boys your age? The legal age for sex is there because children are emotionally ill equipped to consent. You can't legally able to consent when below a certain age. Anything under the age of consent is not consent. Sometimes it happens between two people the same age and doesn't do much or any harm. Other times that isn't the case and it does, a lot. You were then later in a relationship with an adult when you were still underage. Still unable to consent.

The other thing I wanted to say is that I personally do think its possible to be traumatised by something that wasn't not consented to (if that makes sense). Actively giving consent is different to not saying or doing anything because of being unable to say it isn't something you want. It can happen that it appears as consent externally but internally you do not want it and do not want to consent. You just don't know how. Its really important to find out the what and why of that if that is the case.

Someone having sex with you while you were passed out is rape. The effect of experiences are sometimes accumulative. Drip drip drip fills the bucket and it eventually spills over. If it is water. I think it may be good to go back to your pdoc and get him to go through this thoroughly with you. The experiences and how we sees them fitting ptsd. The criteria and your symptoms and how they are relevant.

You will find criteria etc on this site if you look around. Lots of other stuff too.

If you are struggling with this maybe start looking at the feelings you have instead of focusing on names.

 

[Mach123]

Yes I'm very much like this and I've written it all out on here. There are still things I don't talk about directly or I refer to them as something else. Not on purpose. And I have blank places and partial and repressed memories. I was active sexually as a child which went into my teen years. I see everything now as just a reaction to abuse and think about it accordingly. I have a good therapist and she has an organisation and perhaps there are resources you can use here. About Reading this board should be very helpful. I'm so sorry but you have to keep going and you can get better.

 

[Ladygdala]

Thank you for writing that out. A lot of things can leave us feeling very confused. Some things are obv...

Sorry I reread what I wrote and mixed up putting that first, so I’m going to correct that: I had sex and fooled around quite a bit in my pre teens with guys within my age range, slightly older but still my age. then I got into that relationship with that guy, started having sex regularly. He would ask if it was ok and I consented but I guess I was just too young to understand. I had cheated on him as well as other boyfriends but the things that happened while I was blacked out drunk didn’t happen till I was in my 20’s. And I don’t know if I was passed out or if I was blacked out and participating in the sex. I drank a lot till I blacked out and would be in black out state for hours sometimes. But there was times where I was just fondled (not sex) while asleep on my back and woke up to him doing that to me. That happened twice that I know of. I felt like a buffet.

And yes, my therapist and I are just focusing on connecting my body and mind together. Somatic work she calls it. I feel I had a good session today with it. It may have opened up new windows. My mind wandered while I was trying to be present with my body and picture myself saying No to one of those guys in my early adulthood but I can’t renember their face and my body went very surreal. Felt like my hands and fingers were extremely fat and heavy and bloated then my legs were thin popsicle sticks and my whole torso was this empty galaxy feeling, And I was just floating there. I was breathing very heavy and crying and had to open my eyes to ground myself. No specific memory was attached to it. I do have another doctors appointment on Wednesday I may talk more on those experiences. I didn’t say anything to him about the trauma work because I didn’t want him to disreguard my stomach issues or brain fog to be just psychological.

 

[Ladygdala]

Yes I'm very much like this and I've written it all out on here. There are still things I don't talk a...

I like this site as it has allowed me to be so open with people but still remain anonymous. How do you know you have repressed memories? I know they will come out once I’m ready, and I only have a feeling I may have a few..but I don’t know for sure.
Yes, I am so very grateful for this site, I’ve cone across a few very kind, strong imdividuals so far and I’m so very grateful to connect with everyone. Thank you for your reply!

 

[Gs172003]

Thank you for writing that out. A lot of things can leave us feeling very confused. Some things are obv...

This

 

[Mach123]

I like this site as it has allowed me to be so open with people but still remain anonymous. How do yo...

I knew because at first I had memories of things I did or wanted to do. Then I remembered being very young and I had these memories about sex, just images really not complete memories. Then just the whole thing taken together and it looked like an equation in algebra where you have to solve for X. The missing value is unseen but you can see the results on either side of the equation. In retrospect, it was obvious or it should have been. My behavior also made it obvious. Both as a child and as an adult. It was such a mess. Just not a whole person. It takes a lot of energy to hide things from yourself I guess. Someone told me later that I had trauma, through a set of circumstances that brought a counselor into our lives. I knew by then I had had CAS but I didn't know I had PTSD/trauma. I tried to tell therapists I had been sexually abused even before I knew it myself but all I could say was "there was some weird things that went on with me when I was little." They usually said stuff like "Oh that's normal." You just are silenced again when you hear stuff like that. The first therapist I told that I was seeing her in my twenties. It was not ready though. The memories only come out when they are ready I think. I knew something was really wrong, I just didn't know what it was. I hope that answers your question.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

How did your memories come out? Have you always had them or did they come out little bits at a time?

I had dissociative amnesia for the memories about my father. I didn't remember anything sexual in nature until after my mother died in 2010. Then the flood gates opened and memory after memory came through nightmares, flashbacks, and body sensations (mostly in the shower on this part). I'm still remembering things about my father. He was an evil, diabolical man: A pedophile who abused many children besides me; a torturer through mind control, programming, psychological abuse, and physical abuse; and a serial killer. It took awhile to put this together, and when I did my life made so much more sense in so many ways.

 

[Ladygdala]

I knew because at first I had memories of things I did or wanted to do. Then I remembered being very y...

Oh wow, I’m so sorry you were silenced like that by therapists, that’s so awful. Good for you for getting help even after that. What is CAS?
Thank you for your response, I guess I will know when I know. Did you have to quit your job or anything like that when your memories started flooding out?

I had dissociative amnesia for the memories about my father. I didn't remember anything sexual in nat...

Oh wow, that is pure evil! I’m so sorry you had gone through so much! That is unbelievable. I truly hope you are doing well.
Before your mother died, did you have any odd feelings about your father before? Or did everything flood out after?

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Before your mother died, did you have any odd feelings about your father before? Or did everything flood out after?

I lived with my stepdad, who I was told was my father, and mother and started to doubt my stepdad was my real father in my teen years. It wasn't until 2005 when I finally announced to a T that I had a different father than my brothers. It took 5 more years to start to put the pieces together and fully understand who my real father was.

I had two floodings of memories. The first in 1988 triggered by seeing a puddle of water in the bottom of a boat. The second in 2010.