Ptsd & rescuer struggles

[EveHarrington]

I say this with hindsight in mind....

I am finally 100% free of my last relationship. (As in, friendship is over too, now NC.)

I am thinking I’m not alone in this struggle given how many of us look for a rescuer.....and even if we don’t actively look for a rescuer, it’s all too easy to fall into relationships where the other person wants nothing more than to fix us. I mean let’s face it. This healing stuff is EXHAUSTING! Someone comes along, cares about us, and there’s the promise of having some of the burden lifted off of our shoulders. Who wouldn’t be tempted?

We tell ourselves that the other person cares about us and wants the best for us. We excuse away their rescuing behavior because we SO want that “help”...

But, it’s the slippriest of slopes. The “care” turns into control and before you know it, you’re in deep. So many promises made that don’t come true....for the simple fact that nobody else can fix us.

Maybe this is more of a female thing as guys tend to want to fix things. And yep, we’re a population that’s ripe for the picking (fixing), right?

I guess I just wanted a discussion about this... For me, my ex tried to rescue me at every turn. Even into the friendship, he couldn’t just be a friend, it was all about rescuing me, despite my best efforts to shift things into a two way friendship. (And lord knows I tried!) In the relationship itself, he had our whole future planned out, when we would move in together, later moving to another state together, building a house together with room for my business. (This was all discussed at less than one month in.) And yes, I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I wanted support and I fell for someone who was dead set on fixing me.

I’m much better now. I’m on the lookout for more balanced relationships. Yes, I still accept help from people, but it’s never in this drastic rescuing sense.

I guess I just wanted a discussion about this. I know not everyone with PTSD will get caught up in this sort of dynamic, but my guess is that many of us will. Even if we aren’t looking for a rescuer, the allure of “support” can suck us in before we can realize we’ve fallen for a rescuer.

I’m not trying to play victim as it takes two to tango. I know my part in it all. Just wanting to discuss this with others.

Thanks.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yep I agree, there has to be balance & more than the damsel in distress syndrome. I'm much too independent & very much wiser from experience to go there again.
Sound's like you hit the brakes & avoided the crash.

 

[Hojay]

Hi Eve, just coming at this from the supporter angle. What is the difference between a supporter and rescuer to you? I guess the latter comes with a lot more expectation, builds his self-worth on being able to fix you, and lets his life revolve around you?

I know I, as a supporter, can only mostly watch and help where I can, but I can't fix him or rescue him. Fact is too, however, that I have expectations for my own life and relationship, and thus of my sufferer too. I guess if I had to leave him due to him not fulfilling them, he could think I was merely trying to rescue him and bailed when I couldn't? Interesting stuff. Thank you for bringing it up.

 

[Gs172003]

I have to say I'm confused. What was he doing?

 

[EveHarrington]

What was he doing?

He was playing armchair therapist and tried to play therapist with me using techniques his therapist taught him.

When I turned to him for support, it was always “so this, this, and this (all things to fix me), and you’ll be fine.” Yes this may sound ok, but when it fits in with all of the other stuff, it was not. I need balance and he could not give me that balance.

He was financially well off and even that became an issue too, as the money became leverage. He swooped in with his money, making all sorts of promises for the future (which were enticing as it meant security).

His boundaries were extremely poor and he could never say no to me. He took on everything as something he must fix.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yes! I have an aversion to the fixer type.. because they tend to be very controlling & easily frustrated if you don't follow their program to the letter. And they expect results... for their effort.

There's a massive difference between rescuer & supporter.

 

[sleepingwolf]

I can really empathise with your story, and agree with a lot of it too. Weirdly, I feel that I fall into both sides, and can act out both sides from time to time. I have CPTSD and 'fragmented self' Personality Disorder, and I think I can get stuck in a 'fix' mode, wanting to fix myself, my partner, the house, my bike...so on. Then I realise I'm off balance and just want support, and to give support. Money is also a massive lure for me, and its difficult to not be drawn in by it.

Good luck with it all, it sounds really positive!

 

[Rose White]

Currently in a relationship that was based on him rescuing me. 14 years in. Not going so well, but three kids, so gonna see this thing through. If I knew then what I knew now! I don’t think I would have had kids. I would have protected myself. Maybe I would have had kids, but a rescuer is not helpful or necessary. One step at a time.

 

[fac]

I am just starting to understand what is meant by support but don't try to fix. Because all of my life I and many other men were constantly told, its a man's job to provide, fix, protect. That's what we hear constantly PROVIDE, FIX,PROTECT. So when we care or love you it's in us to do that. The only reason I have changed is because coming here I learned that I was pushing my friend further away with my ( come in on my white horse and save the day mindset)
I guess what I'm saying its not easy watching ptsd ravage someone you love, but through patience and education I realized the power of giving space and just being there. Takes restraint though. The white horse wants to come out of the corral sometimes

 

[EveHarrington]

I did a bit more research into “owning your feelings”. This is the “therapy” my ex pushed on me. It is NOT a good kind of therapy for those with ptsd or those who have been abused in the past. (I’m not even going to go into details, but it’s like CBT gone awry.) And if you do get into it at some point, make sure you’re VERY far along in your healing.....even then I don’t think I’d recommend it.

Yes, he THINKS he was helping me, but it was actually damaging me. This is a prime reason why we need to heal via professional avenues and not have people read random self-help books/articles/webpages and then think they can help us. It just doesn’t work that way.

 

[fac]

I was a very confused therapist. I went to the university of youtube, and goggle. This sight is the only reason I didn't lise my friendship forever

 

[Fadeaway]

owning your feelings

Wow, I just read up on that, what a way to increase guilt and shame. No thank you. It is amazing how a little bit of bad advise can ruin a relationship. I know for a while there when my husband got it in his head i needed exposure therapy it really messed with me. So glad he gave up on that.

You don't need someone in your life that sees you as something to fix, you deserve someone who loves and accepts you ptsd quirks and all.