Mourning what could have been

[Candleflames]

Part of my healing has been to mourn the loss of who I could have been. I have no before, I was just a baby when the abuse started so I have no internal comparison. However I have children that are remarkably similar to me temperament wise. Even though the similarities are there the differences are stark. Of course they also haven't dealt with the horror of growing up in a meth house. I see them flourish is ways I never could have at their ages.

So I mourned for myself. I let myself feel sad for the opportunities I was to afraid to take. I let the anger of not knowing better go. I washed my hands of the self victim blaming.

This process took a long time. It's helped me separate out the ptsd from me. It's also giving me a new starting point to learn and grow.

I can thank my therapist for recommending and seeing me through this. Has anyone else done this? Would you be willing to share?

 

[ladee]

Yes, I have grieved who I might have been. And for me, it was a healthy thing to do... like you said, to separate the PTSD from who you are.. who you never got to be, and who you are working toward being...

For all the mental abuse heaped on me, I was so anxious, so unsure, so fearful.... I am smart, I could have become anything that I set my heart on... but I was afraid.. had no support, was never encouraged to be anything except the problem...

It has taken years of work to be able to celebrate who I am today... many dreams unfulfilled, but grieving was necessary for me to make room to become who I am....

Takes courage to do this grieving. To face that loss... but it opens up space for all kinds of possibilities. Like you, I never had a 'before'.... but we do have a NOW... thank you for starting this thread....and I hope you have a much better future. Gentle hugs of understanding, if you accept... if not, put them on a shelf and take one down when you need it...

 

[Friday]

Mostly I mourn for others. What their lives could have been, without my being me, and affecting them the way I have. What their lives could have been if I’d been better, done better, not been at all. Deeply mourn what could have been, and hate myself beyond words for it. Lies madness that way, though. What is, is.

 

[Supervixn]

I'm happy for those of you who have gone through the mourning. I feel on a continuous loop of mourning and unable to break from it. How did you?

 

[ladee]

@Supervixn ,it just runs its course... you didn't say how long you have had these feelings.. no two people are alike, and there is no set timetable or deadline.... I know I just kept putting one foot in front of the other... leaning to deal with my symptoms, healing work, and just realized one day I was no longer being sad about what I missed out on, but looking forward to the new life I was paving the way for.... I know I didn't spend a lot of time there... I was trying to save my life... but everyone is different... hopefully you have a T and can have this conversation with them.... and come here and share what it is you missed out on... or a combination of anything that helps...

You aren't doing anything wrong.... and if you feel you are stuck, then talk with your T and see about getting unstuck, or start a thread about your feelings and ask for feedback and suggestions on how to get unstuck.... it is normal to feel what we feel about missing so much...

I appreciate that you shared... this is a very important topic I feel... and one that isn't talked about often enough.... took courage for you to post... and we hear you... we are listening...

 

[MrMoonlight]

How can you release that pain? I am deeply saddened by what could have been and not being able to see a future puts me in an awful place. Strange that I can envision a fruitful past that never was but cannot envision a future.

 

[New]

@Supervixn I haven’t gone through the mourning phase either.

Not sure I will ever stop mourning the old me. I do want to.

@Friday I do the same. I constantly mourn for my husband and daughter because they deserve better. They want the old me back too.

 

[Freida]

I haven't gotten their yet but I know its waiting.

It totally changed who I was as a person - which sucked because I liked me.

I also see the trail of collateral damage over the years and feel sad for them.

 

[Friday]

How did you?

It’s not a past tense thing, for me. It’s something I have to pull myself out of, time & time again. Even if it’s mostly in the past, there’s a quote that’s near to my heart;

“The definition of remorse: A mourning that is out of control and never ends, that can strike out of the bluest of skies, across the softest of snows.” -Frank Delaney

Some days it’s closer than others.

 

[Candleflames]

Thank you all for sharing. I'm seeing a lot of "how" questions. For each of us the process will be different as we all have different paths we are on. For me the first step was to realize that it wasn't my fault. I didn't deserve the abuse. The blame lies squarely with the people who abused me. When I could finally see through that cognitive distortion I was really able to mourn. It was more than just feeling sorry for or sad but to grieve for the me that they killed off. Those parts of my potential that will never be achieved are gone and I cried for them. The past that could have been, I ached for physically. It's sad and we should feel that. Slowly with time and therapy and relearning basic skills (like how to feel) the sorrow it hurt less. Working on the cognitive distortions helped me get in touch with other more proactive emotions.

 

[katz]

When I mourn, I see it as an adult. I am grieving for that little child. I can't seem to find the feelings inside me to give to "me". I don't know how to direct it inward.
Like the others, I have no memory of being "normal" and "loved". It started so young. All I seem to be able to do is see it from the "adult me".

I do have one particular memory. I can see it from the 3rd person. She/I am sitting on the floor at the foot of my bed and crying. I actually remember thinking to myself, "this must be what life is going to be like for me". I accepted it, then went on....