Perceptions, reality and ptsd - sufferer input please!

[Fadeaway]

I'll address what I can.

As far as 1 & 2 go - is it helpful for me to try and argue that its a safe environment? Or is it better to just accept that his hypervigilance is what it is and go along with that?

Unlikely. Honestly it just makes me angry when my husband does that, because I am aware of potential threats and things he is not because he grew up mostly sheltered. Telling me that it is a safe environment doesn't make me feel safe. When I am in that state, I would feel better knowing he is keeping an eye out. What does help is when he tells me he won't let anything happen. Maybe, it is a validation thing, or feeling like he is going to protect me that helps. Maybe what your husband needs is to tell him you got his back if something out of the ordinary happens? Others can way in on that last part.

I'm recovering from major abdominal surgery. He calls me lazy and a 'chit waller' and snorts that he's managed plenty of blokes on medical chits before

I have no idea what that term means but I can kinda guess what it implies. My heart goes out to you on this one. Make your recovery a priority and try an ignore him on this if he can't or won't be supportive. If he calls you lazy again, I would shoot back with "Dr.s orders, and I am more afraid of my Dr. than I am you."

Eg 4 - He's cooking some kind of stir-fry omelette thing in a wok. I ask him whether we'll need forks or spoons. His response is "Haven't you ever eaten food before you f*cking moron?"

Nope, just nope. Doesn't matter why, that is not o.k. My question is, what are you doing to boost your self esteem, because stuff like that will start dragging you down.

I am trying to wrap my head around 5. Not sure that one has to do with incompetence. I would need more details but I am wondering if that was in part due to flashbacks? Otherwise it sounds like he is just being dick and his nerves are shot. How much alone time is he getting?

I am thinking he is over due for a nice Buddhist retreat in a secluded area surrounded by nature with yoga and wheat grass smoothies. Or maybe a massage at a health spa... for both of you, separately.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I often wonder this as well with my vet. Is it better to indulge the hypervigilance or not?

Yes, the world is a dangerous place... but the danger he is looking for is not a reality. We do not live in a combat zone. The odds of an ambush/firefight in the Midwestern US are astronomical. Scanning for IEDs and "combat driving" on an interstate highway isn't necessary and can actually be dangerous. We don't need to defend our perimeter, etc.

I realize that to him these are very real dangers. I understand that triggers happen. However, isn't part of his healing process dealing with these thoughts and triggers? Does indulging set that back?

 

[scout86]

Is it better to indulge the hypervigilance or not?

This is something my T actually talks about fairly often. Here's how he approaches it. First, we've spent a fair amount of time discussing the meaning of the word "safe". He's never said anything is safe and he's ok with my definition. (Safe is when you're pretty sure what's going to happen next & you're pretty sure you can handle it. The world is NOT a safe place and it's kind of nuts to think otherwise.) He doesn't insist anything is safe. He DOES talk about relative risks, and possibility vs probability. He humors me when I notice a strange noise and wonder what it is and he waits when I quit talking / listening to listen to a siren. But he also keeps telling me that living at the stress level I live at is going to take a toll. And he REALLY encourages an up to date and accurate that assessment. And then he's made some suggestions on how to tune down the that level. Not turn it off, turn it down. "Off" doesn't feel safe.

In the situations you're asking about, for example, the rational part of my brain (that we'd like to think is usually running the show) knows that full on combat driving is not called for in many civilians settings. What I need to do is focus on what "relaxed"feels like and work to bring my body into alignment with that feeling. Having sometime tell me I'm safe won't help, neither will having someone comment on my driving. There ARE things people can do that will make things better or worse, but they're individual. The first thing is, I have to DECIDE that this is something I want to work on. (I actually do have some issues around driving with al lot of traffic, but for other reasons.)

If a person decides to defend a version of reality that's not up to date and accurate, there's not much you can do. In a funny way, my T going on about "up to date and accurate" appeals to my hypervigilence. Because high quality information is part of "being safe".

 

[Fadeaway]

@scout86 This x100

 

[Freida]

Yep @scout86 hit it on the head.

My T and I work that game too -- -what does "safe" mean to me? I was kind of shocked when I figured out that I am never "safe" according to the normal world definition. So we had to start breaking it down --- what is my version of safe, what is hubbys, what is Ts. Comparison helped a bit because it showed me there are different ways to feel safe. It didn't really bring down the hypervigilance but it did make me try to look at it a bit more reasonably - as a normal person would

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm so sorry @Sighs , and I hope you're recovering from your surgery, and I would devote your energies to that.

I think being ramped up is normal, but that does not give him licence to treat you abusively, and it is verbal abuse.

JMHO but people have to hear 'themselves' when angry. So, for example with the eggs, I'd have a bag packed, and when he started up I'd leave- for the day, and let him have his own company. Or with the flashlight, I'd say, 'well you break your neck on your own', and use it for yourself. You have to pick the timing though. Alternatively, I'd record him, and leave it for him to listen to with a note. He might not realize how over-the-top he sounds in the moment.

If those suggestions don't feel useful disregard.

If a person decides to defend a version of reality that's not up to date and accurate, there's not much you can do. In a funny way, my T going on about "up to date and accurate" appeals to my hypervigilence. Because high quality information is part of "being safe".

Totally agree, ^^ , and I wonder if this is where it screws up with memory. Like, every bad one gets 100 negative points, and every positive one gets one positive point. Because, just for me, I think the unknown is one aspect that causes heightened stress, 'anything' can truly happen at any time, but the negative things happening due to people choosing to do them- since they are choosing- well, protecting against that is a whole different dimension. It's living through being privy to others' lack of limitation on how bad they can make it. Plus cognitive distortion: minimizing the positive.

But he also keeps telling me that living at the stress level I live at is going to take a toll. And he REALLY encourages an up to date and accurate that assessment.

Totally agree. ^^ I think that's why as above it's important to add positive experiences and distractions that compete with being focused on nothing but prepare for the worst-case-scenario. Not by challenging the thoughts always overtly but 'living' something else. In a way the concept behind neuroplasticity, and changing brain pathways, through gratitude, etc. And not just thoughts, but environment, etc.

JMHO, but I would say he's possibly thinking he's protecting you as well as himself, and sh*t-scared after your surgery, and of losing you- hence his minimizing your condition. His own way or defense mechanism in response to fear of loss, and knowing in his heart-of-hearts he feels out of control- being in control gives a (false) sense of security. But you know him, and I could be totally wrong.

Hope this makes sense, not up on wording today. :hug: