I'm dating a much older man: it seems like a really decent relationship but i don't expect to last

[foreveralone2099]

He is a mentor from a previous job, we worked together for some time and became quite close. I knew there was some romantic attraction, and because I knew and trusted him it seemed safe to act upon it. He also thought it would be a good experience. But it feels things are feeling more serious and emotional now... he's told me a few times that he loves me, which i know, but it's in a more compassionate way I guess, it's not wrecking him. I am not sure how I feel, but it's probably in the same ballpark area, I've plenty of care but I'm not overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety or possession regarding the relationship.

He is 20 years older than me and living with another woman, with whom things have fizzled out. I don't like that he hasn't told her. I treat the whole affair with the lowest expectations but wonder where things are going as time moves on. There's something there, we have really good sex, it's passionate with excellent nonverbal communication; we seem to also want the same things in bed which is both exciting and gratifying.

I told him explicitly several times that I had some crappy sexual abuse shit in my past that I was trying to move forward from and that I was dating him with the intent of learning a better attitude about men: they're not all sociopathic rapists. There's also a lingering need to center myself after growing up in an abusive family: I need people who love me and whom I can count on and I never received that and there's a sense of personal instability because of it. I broke up with my first boyfriend because my PTSD was so bad I couldn't be intimate with him: I enjoy sex now, but there are probably still a few wires to uncross. He knows why I'm doing it and keeps coming back to give some more, for which I'm extremely grateful.

Last Tuesday he told me, "something like this is good for your head, helps you thru a lot of crap down the road". I'm so glad he gets it.

 

[Ronin]

Honestly, there's so many points that to me give warning flags.

He used to be your mentor, already in a position of power over you. I'm not all that sure how ethical that type of relations is with one's mentees and is something I'd already stay out of to begin with, but you may have different views of how you see mentorship so aside of that.

The age. Another one. Ten years is skirting it, twenty is bit of an experience gap.

The prior relationship & the deceit about it, two separate areas.
And he's still deceiving her, in that he's living with her while sleeping with others?
So she's good enough to be used as a shelter / other support, but not enough to be told the truth and broken up with decently and to move on?

'Good for your head'. Sure. (Said sarcastically.)
That doesn't sound like 'he gets it'.
That sounds like an exploitative manipulator that'll happily jump to confirm your insecurities.

Sounds to me you're confusing sex & bonding with much deeper things you need, but are there only in your eyes.

 

[Friday]

He is 20 years older than me and living with another woman, with whom things have fizzled out. I don't like that he hasn't told her.

So you’re dating someone who is completely f*cking over his partner? Lying to her, betraying her, disrespecting BOTH of you, as well as making you a party to treating her like shit... and that’s a decent relationship???

You think you might be comfortable in this relationship because he’s just another asshole? Ie trauma re-enactment + unattainable distance?

And he’s telling you this is good for you? To be hurting this woman, and to be with a prick who cares so little about hurting either of you?

Spoiler: This is going to be very direct / a few aspects of SA trauma re enactment

You are someone else’s dirty little secret.

That secret gets out? Your whole world could implode, as she is well within her rights to publically humiliate you (because it’s not slander or libel to tell your boss, landlord, family, friends, & enemies the truth about what you did to her)... and whilst physically assaulting you IS illegal, Ie not within her rights, it’s also an very expected consequence of f*cking someone else’s wife/girlfriend, husband/boyfriend ...as are “lesser” crimes of stalking, harassment, & vandalism. And most courts give betrayed spouses/partners -or their children- more leeway on this, because they’ve clearly been provoked. And if you fight back? Both of you will most likely be charged. Meanwhile if you don’t fight back? You think that might just link into your trauma much? (Except for this time, you actually are at fault, and went into this willingly, as opposed to not at fault & coerced at best... but the whole “I deserved” shit has the potential to link reaaaally hard to both then/now, even though not true then, and only borderline true now -borderline because it depends on how far she takes it. Which is completely outside of your control). There is a HUGE range of bad consequences if/when this gets out. Mentally, emotionally, physically, practically (losing you job, home, friends, etc.)... seriously... this is a major shit storm just waiting to crash down on you.

I get the control factor of inviting this kind of pain and chaos into your life, by having it be something you chose to do... instead of something forced upon you... but really. Truly. Find control in other ways. Stop hurting yourself.

Lots of people get into relationships with assholes. The good for you part? Is leaving them once you realize they’re assholes. The “this is wrong” & stop.

Same, I get that there is security in knowing that you can NEVER trust this prick. Charming, good in bed, and completely untrustworthy. So you don’t have to.

You deserve better than this. You are better than this.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I dated a guy once for a few months. Then found out the f*cker was living with another woman. I invited her out for coffee. She ended up married to the asshole. Once a cheat, always a cheat. He’s a disrespectful pig, that is cheating on the other woman and you. If thats your idea of a good relationship, I wish you well.

 

[Justmehere]

He’s a player.

Having an affair doesn’t treat or cure PTSD or help people recover from sexual abuse. Period. That’s not a thing.

Are you working with a therapist to recover from the sexual abuse?

I’m actually quite concerned you would consider this a decent relationship. It’s more like a trauma rennactment. Plus, you are setting yourself up to be abandoned by being with a man who lives with another woman. He’s willing to cheat on her to be with you, just think of what he’s willing to do to be with someone else other than you.

Respect yourself enough to get out of this relationship and find someone better. You really do deserve better. You are worth so much more than this.

 

[foreveralone2099]

Respect yourself enough to get out of this relationship and find someone better. You really do deserve better. You are worth so much more than this.

I agree and am looking for someone else, but it seems okay for now. He genuinely cares about me and is not treating me poorly. I spend time gauging how I feel when I'm around him and on net balance it's a positive thing in my life. He's been completely honest with me to this point. He needs to be honest with his partner tho.

Having an affair doesn’t treat or cure PTSD or help people recover from sexual abuse. Period. That’s not a thing.

I completely disagree. It's working for me.

 

[foreveralone2099]

I dated a guy once for a few months. Then found out the f*cker was living with another woman. I invited her out for coffee. She ended up married to the asshole. Once a cheat, always a cheat. He’s a disrespectful pig, that is cheating on the other woman and you. If thats your idea of a good relationship, I wish you well.

It's terrible but I actively expect my partners to cheat on me. It's not that people have cheated on me, it's that I've seen so much of it that I don't really trust human nature anymore. People are fallible, and chase pleasure. If I were in a committed relationship and someone "betrayed my trust" I would seek to understand why. Nothing is certain in this world.

He used to be your mentor, already in a position of power over you. I'm not all that sure how ethical that type of relations is with one's mentees and is something I'd already stay out of to begin with, but you may have different views of how you see mentorship so aside of that.

Generally the guys who approach me are just looking for a quick f*ck, there was more of a relationship established in this case. I'm cynical and f*cked up so i just assume he wants to f*ck me but that's not what the relationship is based upon, he genuinely wants to develop me and see me succeed. there may be some trauma re-enactment, i'm comfortable with f*cked up stuff, this is unusual but i'm very careful to note whether or not i'm being abused and i am not.

there may be some issues but generally it feels healthy. i'm not being abused or lied to. i'd rather be with someone available but i'll run with this for now.

 

[Gs172003]

It's terrible but I actively expect my partners to cheat on me. It's not that people have che...

How the heck do you know you're not being lied to? He's lying to her...

 

[Justmehere]

Healthy relationships do not harm others.

This one is harmful to others.

 

[Ronin]

but that's not what the relationship is based upon,

It sounds exactly what the relationship is based upon.
From your very posting. It's nothing but how amazing because older/charming/experienced/what have you & amazing in bed that person is.

i'm very careful to note whether or not i'm being abused

Sorry, but those things can be not as clear as just deciding based on how things 'feel'.
Just because it isn't abuse in the ways you're used to and spot as abuse?
Does not mean it's not abuse.

And you are lied to.
If he didn't lie to you, he'd have things sorted with the woman he lives with, moved out or have her move out depending whose property is the place, and you wouldn't be a secret.

 

[Still Standing]

And how are your going to emotionally handle the day when he cheats on you for another woman? You deserve an honest and upfront relationship. If you sell yourself short you will get shorted. I know you are trying to justify this relationship but if you didn't already know deep in your being that this situation is not good for you, why would you have initially posted this thread? This is not a true and healthy place for you. I, too, am concerned that you are simply enjoying the physical pleasure and human contact for what it is. But there is nothing that is promising you a healthy future in this. And there is no way that this man can help you with your head. He is further taking advantage of a great situation for him regarding the thrill of playing around. He already has an intimate mate, why does he need one more? A true mentor does not crawl in bed with his mentoree.

 

[foreveralone2099]

And you are lied to.
If he didn't lie to you, he'd have things sorted with the woman he lives with, moved out or have her move out depending whose property is the place, and you wouldn't be a secret.

nope, he was entirely clear with me going into it. it would be a casual encounter and would not mean anything. now he is the one falling in love.

the house is in his name, the girlfriend is a domestic violence survivor who is too dependent to manage on her own or so he feels. i think this is dysfunctional and he needs to treat her like an effing adult but he'll figure it out. it's not my job to tell married guys, etc not to cheat on their spouses, although i do this sometimes anyhow. my stance has been, "you take care of your own shit and i would feel much more comfortable if you asked for an open relationship".