Hi all,
I have been reading through the forum all night and was hoping for some perspective or advice on my relationship with my partner. She has PTSD from an arrest/torture in another country about 5 years ago. I am helping her seek political asylum in this country and have heard many of the horrific details of the incident, which they make you relate several times as part of your claim. I've encouraged her several times to seek therapy but she thinks she can handle it herself and that American psychology has nothing to offer her.
We moved about a year ago to a more affordable neighborhood, but it makes it harder to go into the city and do what had been her source of income, delivering/messenger service. So she spends most of her time alone in the house, not going out, not even to see friends (her family is thousands of miles away and she hasn't seen them for years because of the asylum situation) and I provide the income. She has had chronic stomach pain for a year, which she started to address the past two weeks, much to my relief. When we fight she attacks me with insults and drinks. Most of our fights last a half day or a day. Our first few months were okay but it deteriorated a lot over the summer and her rage reactions seemed to only get worse as we got through the fall and winter.
We also, about a year ago, adopted a little dog. I love him, and she does, too, usually. He is a shelter dog and was probably traumatized himself.. he will bark on the leash at people when he feels anxious, and most recently, there are 2 times when he snapped at her after she roughhoused with him. The first time, at the beginning of February, he actually bit her on the hand. She seemed okay so I separated her from the dog to calm him down which precipitated a rage reaction that lasted for 3 days. She said I paid attention to him instead of her and "chose" him over her. She threatened to kill the dog and was verbally and physically abusive to me, and also threatened self-harm. I learned this triggered flashbacks to being threatened with dogs by the police. But she decided the dog was sorry (he is not aggressive, just reactive/fear-oriented) and we decided to get a trainer and that she would also go to therapy.
For all of February she would have a rage reaction almost every other day, thinking the worst of anything I say. She had no problems with the dog and has been more loving than ever. We learned her asylum decision was delayed indefinitely at the end of January which "doesn't matter" to her, though that's obviously untrue. She will decide she wants us to move to Canada and get angry at me for not immediately agreeing to move even if I am supportive of the idea. After the rage reaction about the dog I started reading more about PTSD and sought our resources (like this and the book Loving Someone with PTSD). I have also entered therapy myself to hopefully try to work on my end of things. She obtained Prozac from the gynecologist but hasn't sought therapy. She dismissed getting a referral when we went to the doctor together, and also recently said we didn't need a trainer for the dog.
The second time the dog snapped was last night after she used him as a pillow... he jumped up and snapped (no bite). She again had a rage reaction until she was sweet this morning and then had a rage reaction again, saying she doesn't want the dog. I truly believe training will deal with the dog's problem and don't want to give up on him or give him away until we follow through with it and see what happens (which is something we agreed to after the first incident). I understand if she can't deal with the stress of taking care of an animal and have taken on his walking, and we now crate him at night (even if she wants to take him out sometimes). If I thought the dog was the problem I think I would approach this differently but I feel like she uses him to get to me when she is angry (since the conversation always pivots to how awful I am anyway). I'm just at the end of my rope and don't like the idea of the dog being used as a hostage for us to be together or not. It doesn't seem like a decision we should make inside of a PTSD/rage reaction and frankly he helps me a lot through all this... Does anyone have any thoughts? Thanks...
I have been reading through the forum all night and was hoping for some perspective or advice on my relationship with my partner. She has PTSD from an arrest/torture in another country about 5 years ago. I am helping her seek political asylum in this country and have heard many of the horrific details of the incident, which they make you relate several times as part of your claim. I've encouraged her several times to seek therapy but she thinks she can handle it herself and that American psychology has nothing to offer her.
We moved about a year ago to a more affordable neighborhood, but it makes it harder to go into the city and do what had been her source of income, delivering/messenger service. So she spends most of her time alone in the house, not going out, not even to see friends (her family is thousands of miles away and she hasn't seen them for years because of the asylum situation) and I provide the income. She has had chronic stomach pain for a year, which she started to address the past two weeks, much to my relief. When we fight she attacks me with insults and drinks. Most of our fights last a half day or a day. Our first few months were okay but it deteriorated a lot over the summer and her rage reactions seemed to only get worse as we got through the fall and winter.
We also, about a year ago, adopted a little dog. I love him, and she does, too, usually. He is a shelter dog and was probably traumatized himself.. he will bark on the leash at people when he feels anxious, and most recently, there are 2 times when he snapped at her after she roughhoused with him. The first time, at the beginning of February, he actually bit her on the hand. She seemed okay so I separated her from the dog to calm him down which precipitated a rage reaction that lasted for 3 days. She said I paid attention to him instead of her and "chose" him over her. She threatened to kill the dog and was verbally and physically abusive to me, and also threatened self-harm. I learned this triggered flashbacks to being threatened with dogs by the police. But she decided the dog was sorry (he is not aggressive, just reactive/fear-oriented) and we decided to get a trainer and that she would also go to therapy.
For all of February she would have a rage reaction almost every other day, thinking the worst of anything I say. She had no problems with the dog and has been more loving than ever. We learned her asylum decision was delayed indefinitely at the end of January which "doesn't matter" to her, though that's obviously untrue. She will decide she wants us to move to Canada and get angry at me for not immediately agreeing to move even if I am supportive of the idea. After the rage reaction about the dog I started reading more about PTSD and sought our resources (like this and the book Loving Someone with PTSD). I have also entered therapy myself to hopefully try to work on my end of things. She obtained Prozac from the gynecologist but hasn't sought therapy. She dismissed getting a referral when we went to the doctor together, and also recently said we didn't need a trainer for the dog.
The second time the dog snapped was last night after she used him as a pillow... he jumped up and snapped (no bite). She again had a rage reaction until she was sweet this morning and then had a rage reaction again, saying she doesn't want the dog. I truly believe training will deal with the dog's problem and don't want to give up on him or give him away until we follow through with it and see what happens (which is something we agreed to after the first incident). I understand if she can't deal with the stress of taking care of an animal and have taken on his walking, and we now crate him at night (even if she wants to take him out sometimes). If I thought the dog was the problem I think I would approach this differently but I feel like she uses him to get to me when she is angry (since the conversation always pivots to how awful I am anyway). I'm just at the end of my rope and don't like the idea of the dog being used as a hostage for us to be together or not. It doesn't seem like a decision we should make inside of a PTSD/rage reaction and frankly he helps me a lot through all this... Does anyone have any thoughts? Thanks...
