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Relationship Helping with partner's triggers

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I think the bigger issue is that she isn’t in treatment. That is.....this is how things could be for the rest of her life. Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life?

In addition, moving to Canada isn’t going to make anything better. Not for you, not for her.

Maybe start a poll asking how many of us have moved, and if it helped anything.

MANY of us have moved. The VAST majority of us who have moved will say that it helped for a little while, but the ptsd eventually caught up. Wherever you go, there you are, along with the ptsd. Actually, I’d be shocked if anyone could say they outran their ptsd. I’m guessing that she’d be in yet another foreign country, but you are from the USA? How does that help you help her when you have to suddenly navigate a whole new country?

I’m guessing you’re in the states? Maybe search about ptsd resources in the USA VS Canada. From what I gather, the resources here are much better in terms of trauma therapists, treatment centers, and access to these healing modalities.

In summation, you’re trying to jump through hoops in order to save her. You can’t take away her triggers. Is it fair that you are doing all this work to accommodate her while she does nothing? Getting Prozac from an obgyn is not seeking help. Psych meds IMHO need to be prescribed by a psychiatrist. A doc who works with babies and lady parts does not know anything about mental health or psychiatry.....and even less about ptsd/trauma (beyond having to be gentle with sexually abused patients).

As for the dog? Using the dog as a pillow is abusive. The human head is about the same weight as that entire dog. Would you like having a foreign object the same size as you dropped on you? I bet you’d be snapping, too. She needs to stop abusing the dog!
 
This isn’t about the dog. The dog doesn’t need training, as others have explained well. Don’t get rid of the dog, unless it’s temporary, and for the dog’s safety, while she finds a new place to stay and gets help. It won’t do her any good for you to sacrifice more for her.

You describe her physically attacking you.

Do you understand that is domestic violence and not ok?

She’s not only harming an animal, but also you. She’s also engaged in regular emotional blackmail. She could be dealing with quite a bit more than PTSD alone. Your significant-other-diagnosis of her may be wildly inaccurate. That’s why this is all best left up to trained professionals to work out.

You are at risk for developing PTSD from her assault of you. It’s good you are seeking out therapy for you. Be as honest and as direct as you can with the therapist about exactly what’s happening. Don’t minnimize her behavior because of her trauma history. That won’t helo her.

You can’t solve can the issue of a dog being a trigger for her. You’ve gone to great lengths to get her into help. Right now, avoiding working on her trauma, and escalating to various acts of violence, is “working” for her. She keeps raging and you keep trying to do the work of recovery for her.

What you need to work on is developing the skill of setting and keeping boundaries with her so that she might be more motivated to get help - and YOU ARE SAFE. Your safety is totally being overlooked here. You are tremendously focused on the dog’s safety (I would be too) and hers, but you have to also consider your own. It’s not helping her to stay in a situation that allows her to be able to harm you. Or h E dog.

Don’t move to another country with her right now and get yourself further invested into this relationship. It might solve the asylum issue (I’m doibtful it would but an immigration attorney is the best person to speak to about this) but it certainly won’t solve the relationship issues. It will isolate you from supports while living with your abuser in a new country. Yeah, that’s not a good situation for either of you.

Right now, she is on a one way path to have animal abuse or domestic violence charges come her way eventually - and that’s going to possibly destroy her case of asylum in the US or Canada.

So don’t get too wrapped up in trying to solve the asylum issue right now.

It’s time to focus on safety. Period. Nothing else can be sorted out until safety is ensured.

I think it’s time for her to find another place to stay until she gets into treatment. Period.

If you are not willing to set that boundary, and you want to risk the danger further domestic violence by letting her continuing to stay, focus on the boundary that in order for you to be able to make it work with her, you need the following changes or you are out of the relationship:
1.) She needs to stop “playing” so rough with the dog or using it as a pillow and etc. (Perhaps she can go and work with a trainer herself. Much of dog training is actually human training to understand dogs better.)
2.) She gets into treatment to control the rage and drinking, and works on trigger management herself (you can’t do it for her anyhow.)
3.) Any more threats of physical violence or acts of physical violence and she’ll be asked to leave.

Most of all, focus on safety, for all parties involved.
 
I know she's in a lot of pain and she wants me to show my support my taking her trigger away. But yes, I don't think this will reset our relationship or deal with these other problems.

How should I approach this? I want her to know I feel her pain but I can't have that experience used as emotional blackmail against me.. I don't know what boundary to set right now.
 
Sorry, in response to justmehere, I do think those are good boundaries. I guess I just don't know how to set them, other than to say them, and I guess that may be enough. It's just so hard because I know she is in pain and he is triggering her right now because of fallout from the last incident. I am looking at boarding options for now.
 
When you said she used the dog as a pillow I assumed the dog had to be a big dog. 18lbs? That is going to hurt the dog. I can understand you issue with losing your dog as a teen. I can also sympathize with her someone what because I have a breed specific fear from being bit as a child and feeling like the dog was put before me. I can see things from her perspective, but I am not saying her perspective is right. PTSD can do that though, it can cause you to have flawed perspectives on things.

I don't know a workable solution for you because she shouldn't be around the dog, period.
 
Personally, I think you need to keep the dog and get rid of your girlfriend. PTSD or not, bad behavior is bad behavior, and should not be accepted. You are accepting bad behavior and shouldn’t be. She is abusive to you and the dog.
 
She threatened to kill the dog and was verbally and physically abusive to me, and also threatened self-harm.
You can’t take away her pain by taking away the dog. She’ll find a new trigger she will want you to change. The more you keep trying to manage all her issues for her, the less she will try to get help. Her behavior will getting worse and worse. Not better. Her pain will get worse too. Not better.
It's just so hard because I know she is in pain and he is triggering her right now because of fallout from the last incident. I am looking at boarding options for now.
Boarding your dog because she says he is a trigger is only going to encourage her to NOT get help (and leave you in greater pain.) If you are boarding the dog short term for the dog’s safety, then set a hard deadline for the dog to return and for her to be in treatment or for her to find a new place to stay.

I guess I just don't know how to set them, other than to say them, and I guess that may be enough.
Try using language like, “when you rage at me I feel exhausted and sacred. In order for me to allow you to continue to stay here, I need you to be in treatment by (set a deadline) and to no longer engage in (abusive behavior listed specifically.)”

She may still refuse help. If that happens, you keep the boundary. You ask her to leave. If she doesn’t, you tell her you are willing to call for help (law enforcement) to escort her out.

With no options and little support system for herself, she may also be very motivated to make it work with you and keep a roof over her head. If she knows everything is on the line, sh might finally get her butt into treatment.

Holding boundaries with someone who is drinking and abusing is very hard to do - the more you can get support, like from your therapist and others, the better.
 
PTSD triggers happen. A lot of the time, they can come as a surprise or be unexpected, and then sometimes, triggers can be anticipated and avoided if able/necessary, or they can at least be managed. But as a supporter, you can't do that. You can't control if there's a thunderstorm (trigger example). You can't control what's on TV. You can't control what music is playing in a store. It is not possible to avoid any and all triggers. What is possible is learning how to manage response to triggers, which is something that takes time and effort (and often also therapy and/or medications).
 
And in regards to the dog? Dogs have boundaries just like people. My dog is a rescue and she hasn't spent much time around kids, so she tends to be skittish around them. So, what I tell kids when they ask to pet her is, "You can come over and put your hand out for her to smell. She might stay and let you pet her, but if she walks away, that means maybe later." Plain and simple. I have one little cousin who is a sneaky little thing, and will still try to slowly follow my dog around she chooses to walk away and my dog does not like her. She will bark at her if she gets too close. And whose fault is that? In my mind, my cousins. She is old enough to understand basic boundaries, the boundaries with the dog were explained to her, she repeatedly chose to ignore those. Boundaries exist in all shapes and forms in all kinds of relationships. Boundaries are important.
 
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