How long is your “get to know you” phase in therapy?

[UnicornSightings]

It’s been months and I feel I still haven’t made up my mind about my t. I like him a lot but it’s the trust thing that can’t be rushed. Last session was our double session and was filled with anxiety and freak-out. Tonight it was so chill and small-talky and it feels like I’m getting to know this guy super slowly (like get a feel for him). I think it’s cool. It’s slow and cautious and funny and sincere. He said a fear he has with me is that he will forget something important and I won’t come back. I told him I’d likely talk about it and not just ghost him. That gave me the courage to tell him I’m afraid he’s gonna kick me out if I don’t start really talking about deep stuff. He assured me he won’t and I believe him. He’s very sincere. And he joked it was a good deal for him and really easy if I just show up and we talk about movies lol! His humor is great, will (and has) helped during the vulnerable moments. He’s nothing like my last t. I think if I can really let myself not feel sooooooooo much pressure I can really start showing up there. I think now it’s just the get to know each other phase and I’m not very open about even the inconsequential details of my life so I suspect this may take awhile. But it feels good. Uncomfortable but comforting. Wondered if anyone else took a long time before they really opened up? I realize there’s no timeline and I’m in no hurry. I’m afraid to be without a therapist and I’m not sure why. Well, I guess I feel like I will fall back into my old life, which I won’t let myself do. We talked a little bit about something deep. I always want to do a little something at least, in addition to building our relationship.

 

[hymnless]

Mmmmm let’s see... I’ve been seeing this therapist for 7 months and I still tell her she’s a stranger when I get the opportunity. So I’d say that a long warm up phase is normal? Or it’s normal for me. I try to remind myself of how long it took me to seek out the help that I needed (like 10 years), so in comparison it doesn’t feel like that much time.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Mmmmm let’s see... I’ve been seeing this therapist for 7 months and I still tell her she’s a str...

I was thinking today how I don’t say much about my week. Ever. Like to anyone. Work is always fine. So I’m gonna make an effort to open up about my week. Have the focus be on me for just small things. I think pressure has been such a killer. Thanks for sharing your experience; it’s to nice to not feel alone with the slow process!

 

[ILoveLife]

Therapists are people too, some people takes a while to get to know them, others are more transparent. My previous T took me almost 2 years to really see him, current T took me one month. Really depends :)

 

[Swift]

Yeah. Literal years here. And kind of unevenly? Like, some 'hard' things are easier to talk about than other hard things, and which bits have varied from therapist to therapist. I spent the first 3 months I ever did of therapy basically just swearing a storm up at the therapist, telling him in no uncertain terms to stay the heck out of my mind (I can curse like a particularly creative and foul-mouthed sailor when necessary.)
It's great that you felt able to talk about your fears, and that he responded well to that. It sounds like you've got a good one.
Remember that they've probably seen it all before, and much worse, to get through their training. I grew up with medical parents, and the stories they'd tell over dinner like they were nothing are pretty grounding.
All the best, and stick to going at your own pace.

 

[Justmehere]

I think it depends on what your goals are for therapy.

For me, pacing the work is important and at the same time, I didn’t hire my therapist to participate in my avoidance, but to help me face stuff. We get down to it. We have a “no small talk after the first 5 minutes” rule. She sticks to it. Now it’s pretty ordinary to walk in and just get right to it. Not even a big deal. It was hella hard at first but worth it to get to this point. The anticipatory anxiety about sharing big stuff with her is a lot less too.

That’s not to say I walk in and we talk about the worst thing ever, although that’s happened... but usually her first question is, “so what are we working on today?” If I can’t deal with trauma, we work on skills, we even role play stuff out. If I get really stuck, we talk about the resistance and avoidance itself.

My first therapist, totally would shoot the breeze with me the entire time. I felt good in the sessions, but it didn’t really help my symptoms nearly as much. And she didn’t really know me as well the one I see now.

 

[Suzetig]

I think it’s important to build trust in your T and that can certainly take time. I’m guessing you’re posting about your therapy a lot because it’s gone wrong before. I hear you seeking reassurance that the process you’re in is ok so I hope you can hear me in the spirit this is meant.

It sounds like you’re building an attachment to this T which ultimately may not be therapeutic. You have a lot of warmth when you talk about him, want to get to know him and talk more about his personal qualities than the therapeutic process he should be engaging you in. You’ve quite quickly started doing longer sessions when, by your own admission, you’re not doing any in depth work that might benefit from the space a longer session gives.

It’s not unusual for folk to really like their T, and to feel held in what is a purposeful relationship that literally doesn’t exist in real life - I can guarantee you that in his daily life with people close to him, your T isn’t as he is in the therapy room with you - the therapy relationship is specifically designed to support you in doing the work you need to. It feels safe and warm and secure because that’s the environment you need to talk about some of the stuff people bring to therapy and it’s your Ts job to offer a space physically and emotionally to let you do that work.

A couple of months in there should be some level of depth to the work, or you’re just wasting your time and money. That’s not to say some sessions aren’t heavier or harder than others but a full session of chit chat isn’t ok when the T is being paid to do a piece of work with you. In the absence of doing the work, it’s a paid, one-sided friendship and while I can’t speak for your T, I know mine would suggest we took a break until I was ready to do the work I needed to.

In your shoes I’d be thinking about what you need in therapy and whether actually you need friendships and social supports. Not everyone with PTSD needs to be in therapy and certainly not all the time. If there’s something you need to work on, go and do the work, look at what the barriers are, talk to your T about why you’re sitting paying for time talking about movies. If you enjoy the “relationship” aspect of therapy and having time dedicated to you, look at working on your close relationships. At the moment you run the risk of becoming overly dependent on your T.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I think it’s important to build trust in your T and that can certainly take time. I’m guessing your...

I’m about to go to sleep but wanted to acknowledge this. So much of it is true and I really appreciate your honesty and thought in posting it. Gonna give it a lot of thought and reply later. <3

 

[UnicornSightings]

@Suzetig
So thank you for your reply. I think I have been doing work there in some small degree but so much of what you wrote resonates. What I’ve decided to do is write out all my thoughts about why I’m so afraid to be without therapy and bring it to next session. I’ve mentioned it to him but we haven’t discussed the fear in depth or what I get out of going. So I don’t know how each session will go. I have already decided I want to do at least something deep each time I think I mentioned in the post so I am making strides, albeit slowly. But this is a really good topic because the fear I have of therapy ending is why I can’t really get into things, you know? Why rush something you want to last forever? So I will read all my thoughts next week and we can talk about it in session and just see how that goes. I have felt as well that I’m nearing that attachment territory. Right now I like him a LOT but I could leave and not be devastated. I told him this as well. It’s a good place to be in right now but I see what could happen since I was super attached to my last t and that was awful, you guys all know that. This feels healthy and good. And right, I could totally get hooked on his warmth and caring. But I DO want to get at the feelings I’ve been avoiding for much of my life. Anyway, like I said, I’ll write out my thoughts over the course of this next week and we can proceed from there. Oh, and the movie thing. Ok, so I don’t actually LIKE small talk. Like I don’t care that much about what he’s into (a little but not a lot) and I don’t like sharing that much cause it’s uncomfortable which is why I thought it would be good to share. I’ve always been the listener growing up so being listened to is SUCH a strong need and I’m super anxious when I’m truly listened to. So when he just chats I’m back in my role, you know? What I’ve known. And I’m comfortable. The rest of the time I’m not. So I feel like that’s important to note. I’m not actually trying to get to know him as much as I’m trying to avoid him getting to know me, or rather voicing things that are important and interest me. So the little stuff, if I can practice saying it there, is still good. For me, that’s still therapy but the wanting to stay there forever shit really needs to be talked about and that fear investigated. I don’t have severe symptoms. I’m more about self-exploration in a way that will help me live a life more fulfilling than the one I have now.

Anyways, enough rambling. I really appreciate the honesty I get here, even when it’s hard to hear. It’s why I like to share so much. So thank you greatly for being honest.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

To me, it's an ongoing process for as long as I work with them and there is no time limit/goal to strive for, as I'm ever evolving, and, hopefully, so is my therapist/other chosen professional. "Shoulding" on myself regarding things like that only serve to distract me from the things I really need to focus on in order to help move my thought processes towards a healthier-for-me direction. My energy account is quite sparse thanks to previous choices of days gone by, so I must spend my current-$ee very wisely in each and every energetic exchange I choose to engage in.

 

[Suzetig]

I think there are lots of very good reflections in your post @UnicornSightings - I do get the whole “If I do all the work I’ll need to leave therapy” thing - I’m close to thinking about ending therapy and I know part of what’s holding back the last bit of work is knowing I’ll miss the relationship with my T.

I wonder if there’s value in literally printing out your post - the reflection that you listen to him to avoid him getting to know you is really good awareness and I’m thinking is a key relationship pattern for you, so him knowing the dynamic that’s playing out will help him work with you.

Thanks for being open to hearing my thoughts and observations, I’m glad you found them helpful.