going to therapy ignites my inner conflict. it make me hate myself for being dependent on a stranger and makes me want to destroy and punish myself..
Sound painfully familiar to my experience early on. I can say the same for how I sometimes feel currently. That said, I kept at it and things got better.
And I definitely feel worse after therapy sometimes. This was especially true early on. Now, sometimes I leave therapy and feel pretty damn good. It's not going to happen overnight. It's like a severe burn. It's going to hurt like hell at first, and you have to scrub out all the nastiness and constantly cleaning it hurts but eventually it starts to heal over and grow new skin and not hurt as much.
i hate therapy because my T seems to be on my side and tries to explain to me why i feel the way i do.
Yes, they do that. Sometimes irritates the shit out of me as well and puts me on the defensive. Sometimes it amuses me - especially when he says, "Des, you have trust issues"
OH MY GOD, It's CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! :wtf:
i also hate therapy because my T isn't on my side and makes me feel like what happened to me wasn't a big deal.
Yeah, this is actually a big deal and something you need to just blurt out at them. Fact is, they DON'T think that's your impression. They KNOW it was a big deal, otherwise you wouldn't be sitting there telling them all this uncomfortable shit (or conversely, not telling them anything and getting yourself twisted up in knots) But you need to talk to them about that since it's something they need to hear so they can stop communicating in that manner.
how can i trust someone who causes so much conflict in me?
Ah but that is the kicker, ain't it? Yeah. It's a tough one. The fact is that depending on your trauma, you are going to have trust issues that require serious work for both of you. No one is asking you to trust this person with your life. Just a tiny bit of what happened. Then, see if they are trustworthy there. Are they? Ok, Push yourself (and trust YOURSELF) to tell them and trust them with a little bit more. The cool part about this kind of relationship is that you can take back any or all of the trust you put in this person at any time. So it's a 'safe' place to practice trust.
Pretty sure the answer to that is no. But it's possible that you've been so traumatized in the past that you view anyone who is kind as someone who is out to try take advantage of you. What they ARE trying to do is help you re-examine things so you aren't so miserable- So .. if you think of it, in one way they are trying to help you create new neuro-pathways and I suppose that COULD be thought of as a sort of brain washing. But if that's brain washing, then so is learning a new language. Only this is the language where your brain learns to not hate itself so much.
Neuro-plasticity for the win!
Seriously though, I would talk to my therapist about this very thing. It'll help.
