Pity party vs grief

[ladee]

The way @shimmerz shared about 'moving the energy out', is what happened to me yesterday. I had posted something on FB , and my ex came on and said how sorry he was for contributing to that...and it wasn't even directed toward him. I wasn't even thinking of him when I posted it. It hit me so hard... so deep... and there was no stopping the tears... The pain was so deep, and so tangled with other abandonment. But I was clear about that and just focused on one memory that still sticks in my head. I rarely think about it, but that is what came to mind yesterday.
I knew it was grief.... old unfinished grief... so I just rode it out. I sat on the back porch, crying, and just pretending I was talking to him.. I said out loud what was hurting me so bad about that memory... all of it.. and I cried some more... a little later I went to bed . Had strange dreams..

When I got up this morning... I felt better... I used that opportunity to let a little more of the grief go... it helped so much... I don't feel that heaviness of a burden I can't carry. I have a right to my feelings, that I would not allow myself at the time, because I had to hustle to find a place, get a new job, ect... Grief held in, does a lot of damage. It, like Shimmerz said, blocks energy... and yesterday my body was hurting so bad... I can live with it today... I released that long held energy, another little bit gone... I don't even realize how much grief is left with this issue, until he does or says something like this.. owning his part... today, I just feel a little sad. There is no timeline on grief. When things come up, I try my best to go with it and release it in a way that is right for me... Grief is very healing.

 

[ninja]

There is always the risk of wallowing in grief, the getting stuck in parts of it. I found the grief cycle super helpful, to learn to identify what I was feeling, and to know that as much as the feelings can feel like they are swallowing me I will come out the other end. This is part of the process and leaning into it as horrible and red-flag-turn-back-now-y it can be, is what it means to go through. Quite honestly, it's okay to wallow sometimes too. . . occasionally it has to happen before we can pull ourselves through again.

The biggest difference I see between a pity party and grief is that grief is a cycle that happens to us, we move through the stages and then move on. Not on the timeline we want to, but on the timeline the deepest part of ourselves are ready to. And bit by bit we get a life of more of our own choosing. Pity party to me implies a stuckness, which if only loosely implies a degree of time that's gone by without the intention of progress. You're here, learning, listening and growing and wanting to heal. I don't think pity party applies.

 

[Freida]

Grief is very healing.

This is what my T keeps telling me --- if only I could believe her!

grief is that grief is a cycle that happens to us, we move through the stages and then move on. Not on the timeline we want to, but on the timeline the deepest part of ourselves are ready to. And bit by bit we get a life of more of our own choosing.

this makes a lot of sense.....Don't necessarily like it - but it makes sense :banghead:

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking more about this, not sure if this is helpful, to me I think of pity party as stopping at 'I can't ' versus 'what can I do', post trauma or otherwise.

I think the tricky thing about grief though, is the more you have the deeper the well gets dug, and it can increasingly feel or seem longer and harder to pull the good up and out. I mean over decades, and multiple losses. Much as I've seen with seniors; loss +/or change becomes an increasingly difficult strain - despite (or because of?) their repeated experiences and (perhaps?) sense of, or reality of decreasing capabilities.

I have found it starts with increasing resilience to manage, then plateaus, then..??

I'm not sure if it enabled me personally to make a life of my choosing- quite the contrary, it chose for me a life I would have never chosen. However, it did enable me to determine what is important to me, and what I made priorities, very early. Idk if that is a good thing, but it's a clear thing, to me.

I think grief teaches you can never take anything for granted, to look outward, be in the present awareness, which can make for gratitude.

 

[Freida]

I think grief teaches you can never take anything for granted, to look outward, be in the present awareness, which can make for gratitude.

That is brilliant.....

 

[Sideways]

I think grief teaches you can never take anything for granted, to look outward, be in the present awareness, which can make for gratitude.

I love this!

My T is big on emotions being a source of information: happiness tells us “I enjoy this”, anger tells us that there’s something that feels unsafe, or that we’ve been treated unjustly, etc.

Grief tells us that whatever it is we’ve lost? Had a whole lot of value. And knowing what we value is key to making decisions about what we want to prioritise for our future, the relationships that we want to invest in, and to take opportunities when they present themselves.

Grief, when you move through it? Also helps place our loss in the past, where it belongs, so that we can rejoin our life in the now. Until you feel that grief, the loss is still part of your present life experience, and you’re carrying it round.

Try and remember that grief isn’t a feeling you’re trying to ‘create’, it already exists. You’re already surviving that emotion. The key is to find a healthy way to give it space, to express it, so that it can do its job, and pass (as all emotions do).

Or, as Yoda would say: “Mmm, feel it you must. Or stuck with it you will be.”

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure all losses pass, just that we get better at dealing with them? (or hiding them, or integrating them. But maybe that's unsolved grieving, Idk.)

 

[Freida]

Try and remember that grief isn’t a feeling you’re trying to ‘create’, it already exists. You’re already surviving that emotion. The key is to find a healthy way to give it space, to express it, so that it can do its job, and pass (as all emotions do).

That is interesting.....hmmmmmm

Or, as Yoda would say: “Mmm, feel it you must. Or stuck with it you will be.”

LOVE IT!!!

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe there's a 3rd category- containment. Neither self pity nor grieving, but putting in a box and throwing away the key?

 

[ladee]

Really like the way @Junebug expressed it. As I have grieved different things, losses, a life I could have had, ect. It has made room for joy, tons of gratitude, and to cherish the people in my life. It's helped me to see the world on a deeper more beautiful level. And to cherish all my feelings... life is so temporary. So I have more room for the good stuff.

And like what @Sideways shared that it's already there , just finding the ways to express it, that is right for each of us... We are not Pavlov's dogs, ring a bell and we express grief or sadness. guess the key word is learning to 'express' it. And it's not going to come all at once .

And sorry hon, we don't get to believe something, until we experience it for our self... it will happen... wish you were not feeling so much pressure to 'perform' with this. Just be good to you... that you can do, right now... and as @Sideways said, eventually, it will all be in the past, where it belongs.. but we each have our own journey to walk... it will happen.. and you are very supported. And loved.

 

[MyWillow]

Yesterday I sent my (wonderful) PhD supervisor an email detailing what I have been going through the last 18 months. That is, forgetting 6 months of trauma therapy, flashbacks and sleep deprivation. It was pretty clinical and slightly humorous as I'm a scientist and I commented that of course I've read all the journal articles. I pressed "send" then bawled my eyes out with the vulnerability. Finally had the courage to listen to his voicemail message tonight - it was delightfully vague - he was trying to figure out the timezone he was traveling in and it was just so normal for a brilliant absent minded professor. I was expecting to feel a wave of vulnerability again and endless crying but it was just a few tears and a wry smile. That was a massive revelation. It does change. It can get better with release. My fear of what might happen was WAY worse that what actually happened.

 

[Gs172003]

Nothing pisses me off more than somebody "feeling sorry" for me. I don't feel sorry for me. It was my own damn fault. I feel terrible for what I allowed to happen with my kids but I don't feel sorry for me. Hell I'm not even mad. Maybe that's what my problem is.