I met my boyfriend 3 years ago and we had the best relationship to begin with...he was so kind would say such lovely things we were passionate loving to each other had fun laughed. He told me he had a past and would often sit telling me about his traumatic experiences of child abuse by his father and I listened I tried to make him feel heard and comfort him when he needed it. I gave him praise tried to boost his confidence get him to believe in himself. I knew he smoked cannabis when I met him but I had no idea how big a problem he had with it til I'd already fallen for him like no other before him. I already had 2 children and so did he when we met. Then I fell pregnant with our daughter who is 10 months old. It all seemed to spiral from there really...he would spend hours sometimes days at his mum' getting high or doing whatever else he wanted no matter how upset I was about it. He started to call me vile names swear at me constantly cower over me raising his fists when I said something he didn' like or used the wrong tone. He would be very apologetic afterwards he would cry say he felt ashamed suggest leaving but he loved me too much and would never be so awful to me again. I believed it I believe it everytime. I am a social worker so I feel like i should be able to help him so it must be me who is failing him. I should be stronger than this. He flew into rage at both scans leaving me alone at hospital. He pinned me down on the bed his hands round my neck and slapped me across my face. He said I provoked him he would never do it again he won't become his father. Hes put holes in so many walls broke wardrobes cupboards and doors smashed our table in rage always directed at me but never seems to be with anyone else he says this is because he' never loved anymore like me before and im closest to him. He then is lovely for a few days but then something I've done not done said or not said triggers him again...he' pushed me thrown me tried to sttangle me punched me on my ear but he said he only tapped me and says I've exaggerated. He says I push his buttons like no other but that' how he knows he loves me. Eventually I got in contact with a charity local who help addicts and families and he sees a therapist weekly and has done for nearly a year now he has been prescribe anti psychotic medication to jeep with his anger. This has helped a little and his physical rage has dampened somewhat but he is still verbally abusive most days. He still leaves for hours on end returning when it suits him. He says I need to understand he has too but I do everything...he has never got up to our daughter at night he never helps to look after her he says I should understand why I had an emergency sectionn with complications after and still had no help and still he was abusive. We never go anywhere or do anything except I take him counselling. He thinks I need therapy as I'm depresses and that makes it worse for him. He thinks I wouldn' react so badly to his rages towards me if I get help as he says he can' help it but he' trying hard the hardest he ever has coz he wants to get better he doesn' want to treat me badly. He wants a happy family like he never had. I even look after his children every other weekend if en left on my own with them as he cant cope. I'e tried to be patient I've tried to be understanding I've tried to help him to support him but nothing g I ever do is right and somedays I don' know if things will ever get better other days I'm hopeful. I just have no energy he makes me listen to him til early hours if I don' I'm not compassionate. I' exhausted from doing everything alone managing children a house money a job and his mental health. Everything falls on me and I try so hard to handle it all. I just seem to feel tired sick I get headaches I have all kidney infection I've put on weight I don' take care of my appearance like I uses to I never get time alone or with friends as i have noone to have my children. He barely works so we rarely have money which makes him angrier. Am I fooling myself that this can get better that he really does love me? I love him so much sometimes omg cross with myself for that coz I don' know why at times. Im not a stupid person I'm intelligent I have a degree but I feel like i cant leave I don' want to be someone else who gives up on him after all we'very already been through and I want my daughter to have her father. I want to help him I want us to be happy to have a future
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
General Is my partner abusive?am i crazy am i selfish?
- Post starter Gemz82
- Start date
- Status
Oh man... I was in a similar predictament 3 years ago minus kids. You cannot save him. Get out while you can. Your kids should come first before any man and them seeing that abuse is not healthy. If he wanted help he would have got it a long time ago on his own. People change when they want. You cannot fast track someone's progression. Ptsd isn't fun. It is filled with rage, sorrow, confusion and regret.
Yes he is VERY abusive, and no you are not crazy. Sounds like you have survived some serious emotional and physical abuse. It also sounds like he is also gaslighting you (please look it up). I would hazard a guess that this major gaslighting is why you feel like the 'crazy one'.
He has also manipulated you into playing a 'rescuer' role. He will know your credentials and natural compassion and is using this to make you feel obligated to him. You have no duty to rescue him. My thoughts are completley with you and your little ones. Hopefully someone will be along soon with more practical advice.
I just wanted you to know that you are being severely abused and manipulated and you are not going crazy. The manipulation is tying you to him at the moment. Some abusers rely on terror to keep their victims with them. He is using tactical manipulation as well terror and is playing with your mind.
I can't express how awful this must be for you. Even if you cannot see it that way at the moment.
Gs172003
Diamond Member
He doesn't get to blame the PTSD. He chooses whether to be a jerk or not. You have to. Have to. Leave.
Justmehere
Sponsor
He is abusive. You are not crazy or selfish... and even if you were, being crazy or selfish is not an excuse for him to be a jerk.
You didn’t cause this, you can’t control him, and you can’t cure his PTSD. You can want it to work more than anything in the world and give it your all, but that’s not enough. He is the only one in control of himself.
Furthermore, the kids are at risk for developing mental health issues from being exposed to so much rage and violence against their mom.
It’s time to put you and the kids first.
You didn’t cause this, you can’t control him, and you can’t cure his PTSD. You can want it to work more than anything in the world and give it your all, but that’s not enough. He is the only one in control of himself.
Furthermore, the kids are at risk for developing mental health issues from being exposed to so much rage and violence against their mom.
It’s time to put you and the kids first.
Last edited:
EveHarrington
VIP Member
Please get out now.
Ptsd does not give him the right to be abusive.
Ptsd does not give him the right to be abusive.
He is not worth it. He reminds me so much of my father growing up. My mom stayed married to him for 30 years though. She went through so much and was so hurt by the abuse. You don't deserve what he's doing to you, and your kids deserve a father who's around and is kind and sweet. I was so much better off without my father, after he and my mom divorced. We all were. She was scared and felt like she couldn't escape, and he was always so sweet and apologetic afterward, but she finally managed it. It was hard, but we survived. We were better of without him spending all our money and being high and hurting our mom and making the house feel so unsafe. Even if you feel like it's not bad now (though I think it's bad), it'll get worse possibly. My father started out with words and throwing rocks and cursing and calling her crazy, and it escalated into ruining his kid's birthdays and trying to run over his wife and abusing her in every way imaginable. Don't let it get bad like that. He's not worth the damage he's doing to you or your kids.
You aren't responsible for his well being. You're responsible for yourself and your kids, but not him. He sounds very abusive, and I agree that he's absolutely gaslighting you. I know you've been with him for a while, but three years isn't that long compared to a lifetime. Please don't let it turn into 30 years of abuse like my mom did. It was horrible for her, and for us kids.
You aren't responsible for his well being. You're responsible for yourself and your kids, but not him. He sounds very abusive, and I agree that he's absolutely gaslighting you. I know you've been with him for a while, but three years isn't that long compared to a lifetime. Please don't let it turn into 30 years of abuse like my mom did. It was horrible for her, and for us kids.
Friday
Sponsor
Yep. Your parter is abusive as hell.
And if you’ve never been in one, before, you now know exactly why so many women stay in abusive relationships.
This is not your fault. These are his behaviors, his choices, his actions.
He doesn’t get to strangle your daughter and slap her in the face “because she provoked him” and then sob that he doesn’t want to be his dad. Sure, he did those things to you. He’ll do them to her. Maybe not this year, maybe she’ll be 16 before he starts abusing her and blaming her for it. Maybe she’ll be 8. Maybe she’ll be 2. You’ll never know when it will start, but it will start. Because he did it to you? He’ll do it to her. And before that she’ll watch her mum being beat, and apologizing, and she’ll do exactly as you do and take the beating and blame herself because HE’S sad??? You want that for her? To grow up in abuse -like your partner- and then either become an abuser like her dad, or date and marry men like daddy who treat her like garbage, while she blames herself? The second is far more likely. Dating men who rape her, beat her, speak viley to her. You want that life for her? You’re a social worker. You know, looking into those big trusting eyes while she’s in your arms, exactly what her life is going to look like.
Sure, let’s say that everyone else gave up on him, failed him from his childhood on. He’s a grown man, he’s responsible for himself now. Your daughter? Break the cycle of abuse and don’t fail HER. Don’t be the first domino in a lifetime of people who failed HER. You want to be different from the people in his life? You don’t do what people did to him by choosing the abuser over him. You want to be different from them, you choose your daughter. You put her first.
Being a parent changes things. You have to make hard decisions, not because they’re best for you, but because they’re best for them.
Single, the only person he was abusing was you. Now? Even before he starts swearing at her, and hurting her, he’s hurting her MUM. She will grow up watching her mum be hurt. Even without laying a finger on her, he’s hurting her. And every time you blame yourself and stay with him, she’s learning. That’s what you’re worth. That’s what she’s worth.
That only happens in abusive relationships, where the ONLY reason to stay is love.
Healthy relationships? There are a thousand things beyond love that are reason to stay, and even then people break up all the time, because it’s not working in one way or another. People leave people they care about, and that’s okay. Except in abuse. For some reason, in abuse, it’s so far beyond “not working” that the only thing left is love... but time and time again... people stay “because I love him”.
And here’s a secret to the human heart - loving someone? Doesn’t make them a good person. You can love some truly terrible people, for a very long time. Much less someonenwho is half ways decent (except for their tendency of knocking around women :shifty: )
Don’t be cross with yourself for loving him.
Know that loving him isn’t reason to stay.
And you will still love him, and miss him, and want him back... long after you leave.
Don’t wait to leave until you stop loving him. That’s not how abusive relationships work.
And if you’ve never been in one, before, you now know exactly why so many women stay in abusive relationships.
Let’s start here. And assume he really does love you. And. This. Is. How. He. Treats. People. He. Loves.
he’s done a proper job of training you, hasn’t he? If you leave to protect you and your daughter? Is all about HIM??? What “you” are doing to “him”???
This is not your fault. These are his behaviors, his choices, his actions.
He doesn’t get to strangle your daughter and slap her in the face “because she provoked him” and then sob that he doesn’t want to be his dad. Sure, he did those things to you. He’ll do them to her. Maybe not this year, maybe she’ll be 16 before he starts abusing her and blaming her for it. Maybe she’ll be 8. Maybe she’ll be 2. You’ll never know when it will start, but it will start. Because he did it to you? He’ll do it to her. And before that she’ll watch her mum being beat, and apologizing, and she’ll do exactly as you do and take the beating and blame herself because HE’S sad??? You want that for her? To grow up in abuse -like your partner- and then either become an abuser like her dad, or date and marry men like daddy who treat her like garbage, while she blames herself? The second is far more likely. Dating men who rape her, beat her, speak viley to her. You want that life for her? You’re a social worker. You know, looking into those big trusting eyes while she’s in your arms, exactly what her life is going to look like.
Sure, let’s say that everyone else gave up on him, failed him from his childhood on. He’s a grown man, he’s responsible for himself now. Your daughter? Break the cycle of abuse and don’t fail HER. Don’t be the first domino in a lifetime of people who failed HER. You want to be different from the people in his life? You don’t do what people did to him by choosing the abuser over him. You want to be different from them, you choose your daughter. You put her first.
Being a parent changes things. You have to make hard decisions, not because they’re best for you, but because they’re best for them.
Single, the only person he was abusing was you. Now? Even before he starts swearing at her, and hurting her, he’s hurting her MUM. She will grow up watching her mum be hurt. Even without laying a finger on her, he’s hurting her. And every time you blame yourself and stay with him, she’s learning. That’s what you’re worth. That’s what she’s worth.
How many times have you heard women going back to abusers, or refusing to leave because “I love him”?
That only happens in abusive relationships, where the ONLY reason to stay is love.
Healthy relationships? There are a thousand things beyond love that are reason to stay, and even then people break up all the time, because it’s not working in one way or another. People leave people they care about, and that’s okay. Except in abuse. For some reason, in abuse, it’s so far beyond “not working” that the only thing left is love... but time and time again... people stay “because I love him”.
And here’s a secret to the human heart - loving someone? Doesn’t make them a good person. You can love some truly terrible people, for a very long time. Much less someonenwho is half ways decent (except for their tendency of knocking around women :shifty: )
Don’t be cross with yourself for loving him.
Know that loving him isn’t reason to stay.
And you will still love him, and miss him, and want him back... long after you leave.
Don’t wait to leave until you stop loving him. That’s not how abusive relationships work.
- Post starter
- #9
I've threatened to leave so many times and I think about it alot but he will say things like she's his daughter nothing will keep him from her or hes threatened to hurt himself or worse as he wont survive without me he needs me. Sometimes he's said things like "try it who is going to want you or want a 30 something woman with 3 kids. Or say he'said put everything into us and trying to make this work like I'm really ungratefull. Or he will say if I leave he will be nothing nobody and his PTSD will never get better as I'm the only one who can help him he feels. I don't have family nearby and I can't tell them all this I feel ashamed somehow or embarrassed or weak or that they won'the believe me or he will find out I've told them. I dont have good credit I can't rent anywhere or get a loan to and family can't help either financially. I have told a couple of my best friends who are my lifeline but one of my best friends is his half sister and I don't want to drag her into it all or lose her friendship. I feel stuck and confused and lonely. I feel like I'm to blame for everything and that I'm being a terrible mother and girlfriend. I feel pathetic.
Gs172003
Diamond Member
THIS x 20,000
Gs172003
Diamond Member
He's saying that stuff because you believe NOT because it's true.
Please for the love of God don't be the woman posting on here 20 years from now how angry you are at yourself that you stayed and what it's done to your kid(s). (Like me though our situations are not quite the same)
- Moderator
- #12
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
Stop. Blaming. The. PTSD.
This is not because he has PTSD. My partner has severe PTSD. He's even spent 8 months inpatient because it was so bad. That man has never so much as flicked a flea off my sleeve.
PTSD isn't going to make somebody an abuser if they're not an abuser by nature.
Get out. Your kids are watching this. f*ck that guy and what he's saying.
This is not because he has PTSD. My partner has severe PTSD. He's even spent 8 months inpatient because it was so bad. That man has never so much as flicked a flea off my sleeve.
PTSD isn't going to make somebody an abuser if they're not an abuser by nature.
Get out. Your kids are watching this. f*ck that guy and what he's saying.
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
