Is it normal to be embarrassed of liking your therapist?

[UnicornSightings]

I talked to my t about my attachment a little bit yesterday. Like my fear of it and that I see myself really wanting to cling but being ashamed to that. I have this fear of therapy ending and never want it to (which he knows) and I’m also ashamed of that. Like I shouldn’t want that. Anyway, he said what if I looked at it as I’m coming there because I like him? And I immediately “noped” that way of looking at it, choosing to stay in shameland but I felt really embarrassed by the fact that he knows I like him. And I would feel embarrassed if anyone knew I liked them. (And I mean that in a “you’re a really good person and are awesome to talk to” kind of way). I think I’d also be really embarrassed if someone told me they liked me. And that just seems like such a natural reaction, in that I’ve always been embarrassed by stuff like that. But is it common? I don’t know WHY I should actually feel embarrassed because of course other people like other people and that’s normal...

 

[somerandomguy]

Yes, it's perfectly normal, and yes, it IS embarrassing! But it's part of the process. When so many loved ones have let us down in our lives, it just makes sense to get attached to someone who's always there and always helpful.

I'm actually glad you brought this up because I've actually ... well ... this IS hard to talk about! I've actually been kind of noticing how attractive my T is lately. But again, she and I are talking about some really heavy stuff, she's never judged me, and I'm a man still in, ahem, the prime of life. I've been trying to be OK with my feelings, which I would never act on.

I think it's good that you're aware of those feelings. Personally I don't think it's anything to worry about. Sometimes we can't help it.

 

[Bristol]

Yep same for me, i think it makes me feel vulnerable if people know i like them as liking someone feels like needing them and that means i rely on them and thats a whole other mess!

 

[UnicornSightings]

Yeah! I think it’s that, if he knows I like him then he will know I’m hurt if he says or does something careless, you know? Like I can act like I’m not phased at all but he will know I am. I mean, I guess a careless act hurts anyone who is on the receiving end so I guess maybe no one is fooled by the “I don’t care” act.

 

[Overcoming]

I relate. He's given you a safe space and it feels good for once. You are not alone!

 

[Stephernovas]

Instead of 'like', how about swapping that word for 'respect'. I thoroughly enjoy telling people I really respect my therapist. To me, those two words are interchangeable.

I actually wrote up a short apology note to her because I was quite snarly last session, and ended it with "I have appropriate feelings towards you. #boundaryfilledlove", because I actually f*cking love her and wanted her to know. She is exactly the type of person I'd love to sit and have a glass of wine with over a good chat. That is how I know I've found a good service provider. I mean, we still have very clear boundaries, but when you're down to earth and genuine...it's totally okay to celebrate that you've found someone awesome!

 

[Sideways]

Seems to be a great big ‘shame’ issue here. Shame is something that pops up all pver the place for me, and underscores a whole range of (seemingly unrelated) distorted cognitions.

So, as well as working to accept the way you feel about your T (because hell yeah, it’s okay to like him!), maybe pencil in a time to look at the shame - where it comes from, what form it takes in your life, and how it’s impacting your moving forward in different areas...???

Shame is a big big monster of an issue for me. So that may all be me doing the projection thing!

 

[Still Standing]

Instead of 'like', how about swapping that word for 'respect'.

I can wrap my head around that word, "respect' and "appreciate". Both words I can comfortably use toward my Psychologist. Anything beyond that is way too intimate. If I went beyond these, I would be on guard that he will hurt me or I will run away from him. I don't know how you guys can connect so closely with your T.'s. No judgement here, just a immense curiosity. For me, to get so attached would be like dating someone, really putting all your trust in the relationship, only to have to end it someday, with no ongoing contact. No can do....

 

[somerandomguy]

I guess I'm able to be "intimate" (OK, I admit I'm a little uncomfortable with that word) with my therapist is because I understand that transference is a thing that happens and is expected.

Transference

But if I'm being perfectly honest, I think I would not be so OK with it if I were single.

 

[Stephernovas]

to get so attached would be like dating someone

I think because I'm so good at removing emotion from people I am able to appreciate my therapist as an individual. Inside the session I can go from immense affection towards her, to shooting daggers at her with my eyes and telling her to f*ck off. We have talked about it before, and clarified that she is not to take what I say to the therapy version of her personally. Sometimes I'll even toss in reminders and tell her that I actually really like her, but I loathe what she is saying.

 

[Emotional girl]

I know some people think this is a big no no and breaking boundaries but I actually told my psychologist that I love him and I didn't feel ashamed about it at all,it felt really natural to me.He makes me feel safe and secure and for the first time in my life I have managed to trust a man.We have a very open and honest relationship ,we both respect each other and we have a good connection .I don't feel embarrassed or ashamed talking to him about the way I feel as to me he is one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever met in my life and I feel privileged to have known him.Yes I know some of my feelings are due to attachment but a lot of it is down to genuine feelings.
I do not think anyone should be ashamed of expressing their feelings for another human being especially if you are telling them something positive. I have had some bad relationships from a very young age and I thought that I could never trust anyone but he has changed that and that is a massive thing for me.

 

[Stephernovas]

Anything beyond that is way too intimate

For me, to get so attached would be like dating someone

you do realize that you can be intimate with friends, family members and others? Technically throughout the act of going and participating in therapy, we all are intimate with our therapists. They know us well. It is largely one sided intimacy (with a few exceptions of appropriate self-disclosure), but we spill our intimate thoughts that we have within ourselves to them. I don't know how much closer you can get. HOWEVER, many people seem to confuse the word 'intimate' with being 'sexual'. Yes, sex can be considered an intimate act, BUT, intimacy does not equal sexual feelings or attraction.

Perhaps remembering this fact will take reduce or remove the shame in feeling positive emotions towards your therapist. It doesn't mean you are in love with them, but if you are confused of how you feel, share your feelings and thoughts with them so they can help you understand what's really going on. Often times (and I say often because there are some therapists who have crossed boundaries) what clients believe is them falling in love with their therapist, is simply feelings of appreciation and admiration for someone who is finally treating them with respect. Given the level of intimacy we share with these therapists, if it's a good match, I think we all should have some type of affection towards our therapists.

For me, do I friggen love my therapist, yes. Do I want to have sexual relations with my therapist? No. Same goes for my physiotherapist. Sometimes you come across genuinely wonderful people and it's terrifying to have urges to want to build on that great relationship you found and receive all the benefits from it...BUT, these people are our teachers. We need to take what we learn and apply it to ourselves. There is no need to be so technical about stuff. After all the crap you've been through in life, you've found a good human. That is amazing. Keep working on respecting those boundaries and learning what it means to have a healthy relationship. Take what they teach you and use it on yourself! :)