ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

I have managed to be much more mindful of my eating, and I am not doing anything like what I used to, I am really struggling at this time but I am also doing so much better, in some ways than I ever have, but I have go to say I went to bed really early last night, and slept, (on and off as I do) for about 12 hours. I woke up and watched American comedians in between sleeps!

John Oliver on His Children's Book About VP Pence’s Gay Bunny, Marlon Bundo Gay bunnies will do better in America now, which is lovely, and cheered me up to no end!

Anyway I feel like I am going crazy today. I feel like everything is way too much. I feel like I have to become and do things that are way outside of my current capacity! I feel like I am crawling out of my skin!

 

[ninja]

I’ve been struggling too. We’ll get through this.
Crawling out of an old shell of a person which was useful for a time, into a more expansive one.
It helps me to remember that the cycle of eating when anxious or feeling overwhelmed only postpones having to deal with those feelings.
Write about them, talk, yell, breathe. Dare the feelings to knock you over. You're strong and resilient and can feel these ones too. Your capacity will grow. Take the very best care of yourself. :hug::hug:

 

[ms spock]

I did not eat most of the day. I binge watched some American comedians. I ate a few grapes but I didn't binge. I played my musical instrument a lot. I lay in semi supine whilst I watched TV for long periods of time to address my hip pain. I played my musical instrument to keep my hands busy. So I didn't go totally down the rabbit hole. I struggled. I hadn't eaten lunch so it was not unreasonable to want to eat or organise a meal. So I ate that. I feel angry. I feel frustrated.

 

[ms spock]

So I am trying really hard not to put weight on, and at least stay at 80/79 kilos, and I am doing that. I am not binging. So that is really good. It is really hard.

 

[mumstheword]

You are doing amazingly. Much better than I. I'm not binging anymore but not mindfully reducing either. I'm not there yet. You continue to inspire me though. I'm still around 86 kilos.

 

[ms spock]

When I started I was 87/8 kilos @Muttly. It is really tough going, and not something I ever thought I could do given the desparate nature of my emotional eating. It is very much a work in progress! Very much a work in progress!

I'm not binging anymore

That is huge! That is really huge! That is something to write on your daily gratitude list today! That is massive! Something to celebrate. It is the not binging, and the not binging again, and the not binging yet again, that opens the other doors. This is really something to constantly give yourself good feedback about!

So I am back to mega struggling with this, I am back to being with the demons, but they have not entirely taken over! They are certainly noticeable to me, but I am not possessed by them. I am not believing the distorted thinking as much as I did! I am not believing the distorted cognitions as much as I once did!

 

[ms spock]

So the next thing, due to the medication tapering off (under medical supervision) is to not comfort eat as much. I did some comfort eating yesterday. The good thing is that I didn't do binge eating. So the next thing is to not comfort eat. The other thing to remember is to actually eat three meals per day. I am recording via weight watchers, and that is useful for me, as I don't go into terror over my potentially starving myself again like I did in 2013.

So I can play my musical instrument instead of eating.
I can walking the dog instead of eating.
I can go on Connect instead of eating.
I can do a Self Compassion Break instead of eating.
I can read instead of eating.
I can walk the dog instead of eating.

 

[ms spock]

Gosh it is hard, when comfort eating is basically second nature, hard wired into your emotional responses. I just ate a banana, without barely thinking!

 

[ninja]

I think I am finally beginning to get all of me on board with the idea of eating in such a way that nutrition is priority. With sugary junk it is not ever 'just one'. It's taken a long time to come to acceptance on this. It was perhaps necessary to go through the junk food phase and weight gain in order to come out feeling motivated to eat for nutrition, with little kid in agreement.
It is hard, and a lot of work and grit/persistence. Recovering from entrenched eating disorders takes a long while. I stopped a terrible habit about 10 months ago, which is what started the rest of the healing since then. But it's taken until probably pretty recently for me to learn to be okay with the pace of the healing, to stop allowing a restriction mindset that ultimately was failing, and to trust that progress will continually be made to get to a place that is healthy for mind and body.
One small decision in the moment at a time.

You are doing so well @Disco Dancing Queen :hug:

 

[ms spock]

One small decision in the moment at a time.

It is that hey, just one small decision in the moment, at a time. That is where I am.

... it's taken until probably pretty recently for me to learn to be okay with the pace of the healing, to stop allowing a restriction mindset that ultimately was failing, and to trust that progress will continually be made to get to a place that is healthy for mind and body.

I find it hard to trust that, because I have taken so long to be here, or even get close to here. I feel like I can't trust myself.

So I am not comfort eating at the moment, and that is big for me! I am not comfort eating at nighttime. I have never managed this before, so it is a big change for me.

 

[ms spock]

So this continues to be a challenge, I had a piece of fresh bread and some peanut butter this morning! I went to a meditation for two hours at a local Buddhist retreat. I took one of my friends with me, she enjoyed it.

Late last night I ate a slice of fresh bread, half a mango and a banana when the terror of going to bed came up, so comfort eating but not binge eating, it is progress!

 

[ms spock]

You are doing so well @Disco Dancing Queen :hug:

Thanks I am doing so well @NinjaWolf, it just feels so tough! It feels hard. It feels scary!