T vulnerability as a weapon

[UnicornSightings]

I’ve been thinking lately about how my t is very open with me and arms me with his vulnerability. I’m guessing he is doing this occasionally to show how someone trusts since I have issues with that and letting anyone in. And while I feel positively about him telling me things that my last t would’ve never shared and it feels like a more equal connection, I can’t help but think how foolish it is. He’s telling a complete stranger things that will really hurt if I ever were to use those things against him. Why would someone paint a target on themselves? Like I get it. I get vulnerability is what we are all striving for and he’s doing this amazing thing by modeling it and all that, but I’m really afraid for him that it’s really gonna bite him on the ass. I like when he shares (and it’s not super often) so I don’t exactly want to tell him to stop as it does make me more tempted to say things that HE could potentially use as a weapon but I’m not liking how I feel with having this small supply of emotional grenades. How do I not throw them when I’m cornered?

(for some history, my mom was always one to use weakness against the person. Don’t know if she did with me, my memory of the early days is really spotty but I’m a fast learner and knew to never give her a loaded gun).

This is new territory. I really want to open up more. That way we would both have weapons and I think that if that were the case, I wouldn’t feel like maybe I had to use mine. Like maybe that’s how I want to live, you know?

 

[scout86]

can’t help but think how foolish it is. He’s telling a complete stranger things that will really hurt if I ever were to use those things against him.

Maybe he doesn't see it the same way you do. Maybe, for one thing, you have different ideas of what would really hurt, or how hard that kind of hurt would be to deal with. Or, maybe it's that he's fairly confident if his ability to discern who's trustworthy and who's not?

Sounds like it might be an interesting topic to talk about with him.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Maybe he doesn't see it the same way you do. Maybe, for one thing, you have different ideas of what wou...

Yeah. I don’t think he would tell a client his deepest vulnerabilities for sure but yeah, this would be a good topic. I really want to arm him, too. Been thinking of what I’d be comfortable sharing as my most vulnerable thing right now. Like something I could say and still be ok going back the next session. I have a couple ideas although I’m pretty far removed from the “feeling” aspect. But it would hurt if he used it against me. Yeah, I want to share.

 

[Missycat]

I can understand why you feel this way. My t has never opened up , maybe a couple of bits of info for example when i asked her where the photos were taken that were on her office wall ( she was helping me ground and asked me if i noticed something different on the walls) . She answered my question and that amazed me cos before when i asked her something once she said our time together was about me ( oh and she had probably guessed i was avoiding too lol)
Im not sure how i would feel with t telling me thier vulnerabilities , i suppose in a way it helps build some trust and openness - im not sure i see it as bulletts to fire at them later , maybe it is just about being open. It would be interesting to talk through your feelings next time you are in session. He seems open to talking about it.

 

[scout86]

This is something that comes up with my T kind of often. He's already assured me he's quite capable of taking care of himself and I believe him. But it's kind of interesting seeing how many different ways there are of looking at the same topic.

 

[Mytime]

I think he is sharing with you because he trusts you. He feels safe to share with you. He may be trying to show, not all people use vulnerability as weapons.
But he would have to trust you to not use it against him. It’s a good feeling to know that you have people in your life that see you as a trustworthy person.
He could also be trying to show you, there’ strength in vulnerability. Sharing
vulnerability in a safe place isn’t weakness, its freedom.

 

[hymnless]

I’ve recently been feeling this way, as well. My t opened up to me a couple weeks ago about some similar trauma to mine and it was a total game changer in a lot of ways. She told me that it was my hour and not hers and she wanted to respect that but I’d asked her some general questions in my journal and she thought it could help make me feel less alone. She was right (dammit!) The next session she told me that I’d been clearly shutting down over the past few weeks and so she felt like she didn’t have a lot to lose lol.

I’d told her many times before that I had a hard time with the power/control dynamics that I felt once she knew some of my ugly. It’s so hard not to feel that way when so often trauma is about being controlled. It was nice to feel like the playing field had been leveled a little bit. She knows some of my ugly, I know some of her ugly. I still struggle to open up in person but I’ve been a lot more willing to share things through my journal. Try to level your playing field, too!

 

[UnicornSightings]

I can understand why you feel this way. My t has never opened up , maybe a couple of bits of info for...

My last t didn’t share much. Some very basic stuff about her and her plans for the weekend but no vulnerable stuff and no insecurities. My new t shares his insecurities with me. I share some of mine, too. I think it may be the TYPE of therapy, though? (Humanistic/existential). He says he is just a fellow traveler and it really does feel like we are equals except he does the bulk of the listening and sharing of his thoughts about what he listens to.

I doubt he is worried about me using his shares against him. Which scares me as he won’t expect it if I do. I don’t want to but I can’t help but see it all as ammunition. I hate that my mother made me this way. I know that’s a very blame-y thought but I want to have a very blame-y thought. I hate that she made me sooooo painfully slow to trust anyone because she showed me time and time again that people are hateful. She was the hateful one.

I think he is sharing with you because he trusts you. He feels safe to share with you. He may be trying...

But why would he possibly trust me?! He’s known me for all of 3 and a half months. An hour a week. That’s it. I know I’m trustworthy but he couldn’t possibly know that. But people, in general, do tend to share things with me. I have no idea why. I like to listen and definitely feel honored and will do everything to NOT be like my mother and use it against them but why do they trust me????

I’ve recently been feeling this way, as well. My t opened up to me a couple weeks ago about some sim...

Yes! Ok this is smaller in comparison to the trauma your t and you share but mine mentions his insecurities and they are sooooooooo similar to mine. And I feel less alone in them, like I’m not so weird.

 

[EveHarrington]

I know this is an ongoing struggle for you as I’ve been reading your threads.

Did you ever look into Brené Brown? If not I highly suggest it as her stuff may help you understand vulnerability.

Those of us who venture into the world of vulnerability know that we are taking a chance. We know people will take the opportunity to use things we say against us. But, we also know that if someone is going to be a dickweed and use our info against us, it’s about how “lacking” they are as a person as opposed to us being stupid and arming them with with knowledge about us that they think they can use to take us down.

Last night I disclosed my PTSD to someone for the first time. Yeah, he may walk away. He may use that info to call me crazy, or put me down. But at the end of the day I know it’s not about me. It’s about him. I’m confident in who I am. You want to throw this stuff in my face? Please. Amateurs. This isn’t my first rodeo. I put myself out there because I know vulnerability is required to have love in my life. I do so knowing I will fail many times. But in the end, it’s worth it.

I may be handing “weapons” to people around me, but I don’t see it that way. If people are so nasty as to use my vulnerability against me, that’s on them, and I don’t want them in my life.

I think it would be a good idea for you to open up your mind and shift your perception on vulnerability.

I recently saw this internet post about how relationships are essentially a built in buddy system. Until you see a relationship (of any kind), as a built in buddy, you will see relationships as adversarial and struggle with them. I can’t post the pic/conversation as I don’t own it. But, yes, it resonates with me. If your buddy is a bad buddy and doesn’t have your back? Trade in your buddy for a new one. Yep, it’s that simple.

 

[Sideways]

There will be a point (at least one) during your therapy that you may feel ‘backed into a corner’.

If you decide, even just through sheer habit, to lob some of her insecurities back at her as a ‘grenade’? That will probably be a teaching experience for you. Because if your T has a reasonably healthy amount of self-acceptance (which, since she’s a T, hopefully she does), it will probably just make you look (and probably feel) like a bit of an idiot.

Sharing information about oneself? Doesn’t necessarily make them somehow vulnerable. For a healthy person? Sharing information about yourself? Is just that. “Here’s some information about me.” If they accept themselves? It’s not really going to make a difference to them.

If you decide to have a go at someone about their issues as a way of protecting yourself? Says far more about your self-concept than it says about them.

That’s not intended to sound nasty. It’s just straight up - if you do try and use that information as a ‘grenade’ against your T? Probably you’re going to find that grenade isn’t actually packing the punch you think it is, and maybe there are more effective and respectful ways of communicating when you’re feeling cornered.

 

[Justmehere]

Instead of calling vulnerability a “weapon,” you could call it a “tool.”

He is giving you tools to help you work on you. By sharing info with him, you would be giving him tools to help you.

 

[scout86]

Instead of calling vulnerability a “weapon,” you could call it a “tool.”

I still tend to think of it as "a mistake". LOL So, what does one use a tool like that for, anyway?