Spiraling

[cinderellafaye]

I have been spiraling out of control for a while. It all began when I went to a movie in a theater for "exposure therapy" maybe 3 months ago. After that, it has been a sequence of events, each one diminishing my ability to recover. I feel trapped by the repeated loop of phrases and images generated by my past. I cant turn off my brain and it is non-stop. There is no way out. It never gets better.

I have been in therapy for 17 years and I just cant seem to escape myself or my past. My therapist believes that I simply do not want to get better, which I have no idea how to process.

I feel like I cannot completely be honest with my therapist about things because she overreacts when I get suicidal/depressed and genuinely is hurt. She freaks out when I self harm and made a boundary that she will not continue to see me if I engage in SH. It seems that she is constantly wanting me to be hospitalized. I am perpetually worried that she will leave.

Hospitals, medicine, and therapy ultimately cant help me. It is up to me. I understand that, but I am too far gone. I am in too deep. I cant pull myself out.

I really dont have a question and am not seeking anything specific, I just wanted to get it out of my brain and share.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Would you be okay with the idea of seeing another therapist? Would that be something that's an option for you?

Your current therapist doesn't seem to be satisfying your needs, in regards to SH and SI. I think it might be worth it to look into seeing another therapist. That said, I don't know the specifics of your case. Perhaps hospitalization wouldn't be the worst idea, I have no idea. Either way, your therapist seems to be unwilling to help you with that stuff.

 

[cinderellafaye]

I have been with this therapist for 10 years and seem to have made some progress. I, however, still havent been completely able to deal with my past. I have had other therapists and have never opened up to anyone as much as her. I would prefer to stick with my current therapist. I just feel like somewhat of a freak since she feels uncomfortable treating me at times.

I think that my therapist is more frustrated with my lack of growth lately.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Do you think you could print your opening post and hand it to your therapist?

 

[Supervixn]

Her attitude/stance on self harm seems highly uneducated. No, therapists shouldn't be supportive of SH, but they should not punish their clients with threats if they engage in this coping technique. I see why you don't want to leave her right now. Can you see someone else on the side, so to speak, for a while to get a fresher perspective on things?

 

[cinderellafaye]

She said she just cannot tolerate SH because it upsets her. She also cant tolerate when I am suicidal. So, I try to not upset her and just avoid talking about those topics. My SH has gotten much better over the years. I used to do it upwards of 30 times a day. I had recently been clean for about 5 years. In the past 6 months, I have had maybe 15 transgressions split amongst two separate time frames.

I have a hard time finding therapists that will treat me since I have been diagnosed with BPD. I saw someone new a few weeks ago because I thought my therapist fired me (due to SH). It ended up being a poor fit due to her knowing my family and not taking insurance.

I think things are just my fault with my therapist. My recovery is slow going and, at times, it seems I am going backwards. I really like my current therapist. I am beginning to think that maybe I just shouldnt be in therapy because I really feel like I cant get better. Also, I would just upset another therapist and they would just leave, too.

 

[Supervixn]

have a hard time finding therapists that will treat me since I have been diagnosed with BPD.

Not to get off topic, but... do therapists not like to deal w BPD? Before I knew i had PTSD I thought I had BPD. I called looking for therapists and once I disclosed I was BPD (I'm actually not, my mistake), the therapist said "Ok look,I don't take any s#!@!". I was shocked... I thought the BPD had something to do with her response.

 

[cinderellafaye]

They dont like people with the diagnosis because they are viewed as "difficult."

 

[Overcoming]

BPD can be tough to treat, but most of the time there is a copious amount of trauma. Trauma can be addressed and DBT can be used. I'm sorry you've been made to feel that way @Supervixn, even though I realize that wasn't your right diagnosis.

 

[Justmehere]

If you are not willing to switch therapists, then consider adding a DBT group.

 

[cinderellafaye]

I dislike DBT. I am torn about changing therapists. Maybe change would do me good, but I am so attached to my current one.

 

[joeylittle]

DBT - which part of it do you dislike?

Have you ever done a full 6 or 9 week DBT program? There’s an enormous amount of support that comes with them.