Don't want to exist but can't end it

[mumstheword]

:hug::hug::hug::hug: @Sweetleaf

 

[somerandomguy]

It's like a knife through my heart when I get reminded of my sterility, and the worst part is it's not even anyone's fault, it's not like I'm mad at people for mentioning their children or their child-creating abilities, it's just one of those things that makes me feel gutted, and soulless. It's a really frustrating feeling, hard to describe it precisely. It feels so unfair.

It IS unfair. It really, truly is unfair. And I'm sorry.

By being able to talk about how unfair it is and bad you feel about it, you'll slowly be able to work through it. And when you work through it, it will still be unfair - but you may be able to consider other options.

The woman who abused me told me she never, ever wanted kids and suggested that I get a vasectomy. Because I was codependent and has no self-esteem, I agreed right away. Years later, out of my abuse situation, I bitterly regretted my action.

My wife and I are now parents of a sweet, wonderful 10 year old. He came to us through the foster care system. So even though life is terribly unfair, you can still thrive. It may not be want you originally wanted, but you will find your resilience.

You're doing so well talking about all of this. It's hard! But we're listening.

 

[Sweetleaf]

The woman who abused me told me she never, ever wanted kids and suggested that I get a vasectomy. Because I was codependent and has no self-esteem, I agreed right away. Years later, out of my abuse situation, I bitterly regretted my action.

That is rough. I'm really sorry that your abuse wound up including that.
I didn't even think of the possibility of that kind of situation. That's brutal. You do make me feel less alone though

I am glad that you seem to be handling your sterility better than I am at the present time.

In regards to adoption/fostering - while I have always imagined I would eventually end up adopting a kid, when I've been stable for years and all my ducks are in a row, there are a few things that have always bothered me about the idea. I still think that it's something I will eventually do, I'm just saying that these things make me feel bad. Also, I'm sure these are probably things that you've thought about in the past. I don't even really know why I'm saying this, but it is something that bothers me, so I guess I'm sort of venting:

For one, the obvious - it's not the same as having your own biological children. No sharing your genes, no pregnancy, no birth, no nothing. It kind of seems superficial/vain to say that, and I know I'd probably wind up loving an adopted kid as if they were actually my own, but still, it adds a sadness element to the idea of adoption.

One of the other things that bothers me is this: it varies from region to region, and all that, but adopting a kid or becoming a foster parent isn't as easy as becoming an actual parent. Regular people get to just have sex, that's all they are required to do to obtain a child for themselves. Adoption has a whole lot more requirements, a lot more red tape, so on and so forth. It just kind of hurts to know that I will have to jump some hurdles to do something that other people usually just take for granted, and can easily obtain, no matter what their income level is, their marital status, their living situation, etc.

Maybe it is bad that I have been keeping it to myself for so long. I wish it was easier, I wish that I could have kept not really caring, instead of becoming more and more affected by it as the years went on. It's not an easy thing to cope with, especially when you've already got so much other stuff to deal with.

 

[somerandomguy]

For one, the obvious - it's not the same as having your own biological children. No sharing your genes, no pregnancy, no birth, no nothing. It kind of seems superficial/vain to say that, and I know I'd probably wind up loving an adopted kid as if they were actually my own, but still, it adds a sadness element to the idea of adoption.

One of the other things that bothers me is this: it varies from region to region, and all that, but adopting a kid or becoming a foster parent isn't as easy as becoming an actual parent. Regular people get to just have sex, that's all they are required to do to obtain a child for themselves. Adoption has a whole lot more requirements, a lot more red tape, so on and so forth. It just kind of hurts to know that I will have to jump some hurdles to do something that other people usually just take for granted, and can easily obtain, no matter what their income level is, their marital status, their living situation, etc.

You are absolutely 100% right about all of this, and it required a lot of grieving for my wife and I to get to the place of being OK with it. It IS terribly sad. We're both still sad about it. But joy and sadness can co-exist. Most days for us now, kid-wise, are more joyful than sad.

Right now it sounds like you're in a place of pure sadness. And that is totally OK! You are allowed to be sad! Right now your job is to feel so later, when you're stronger, you can act. You're doing much better than you think.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Yeah, it is a place of pure sadness in regard to sterility, for me, right now. I never really thought to use the word, but grieving is totally appropriate as a description.

Just now in another thread, reading something triggered my bad feelings in regards to this. Going through life while feeling this way about my sterility kind of feels like walking through a minefield - I never know when my next step is going to trigger an explosion of sadness, frustration, and grief.

I just really wish I didn't have to grieve. I don't want to have to grieve to get used to this to the point where I no longer feel like I'm walking through a minefield. But your words of encouragement are helpful, thank you. If -feeling- is what I need to be doing right now, well I certainly am doing a lot of feeling.

You're doing much better than you think.

I appreciate hearing things like that. It's hard to see myself as handling this well, when I really feel like this is something that seriously impacts my life, in that every single day I end up getting triggered by something related to this stuff, and I have to remove myself from whatever it was that triggered me, and fight hard to push back the desire to hurt myself.

 

[Freida]

You may think you are better now but someday it is going to catch up with you. I am amazed at how warped my thought patterns are and my self-protection and coping skills, too. I thought I was pretty normal. I thought I could hide my pains, showing no one. I have been very wrong in these views. I would suggest you find a psychologist or therapist who specializes in PTSD.

I think this is really common for a lot of us. After all - we are the survivors. We are the ones who kept going long after we should have been able to. We are normal - for us. I think @Still Standing is correct in looking for someone who specializes in ptsd - because we are complicated.

She just doesn't know that it really bothers me that I am. I suppose that's just like everything else that's making me feel depressed and have suicidal thoughts. I can't bring myself to tell my t or my pdoc about any of those feelings.

I have always imagined I would eventually end up adopting a kid,

Tell her. Let her work you through this. I have the same issue -- some things went wrong and the result was no kiddos for me. And sadly my PTSD left me believing that no one would ever give a child to someone like me so adoption was not an option. I always say it doesn't bother me - until it does. And when it does? Yeap -- its usually a mess triggered by other people having kids. It took me a long time to understand I couldn't deal with this on my own so I've talked on and off with my T over the years. It does help.

At least I can bring myself to talk about it here.

I've come to think about this site as my practice talk. I'm anonymous so no one can hold it against me later, I can say what is really on my mind and kind of test the waters for how I'm going to be judged. Note how I jump right to judged? Not supported, not helped -- judged.
And I'm always amazed - even after all this time-- at the support I get. Which in turn makes it a little easier to risk talking in the real world.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I've come to think about this site as my practice talk.

Yeah, me too actually, and you're right that the support on here does make it a little easier to say things out loud in person. I just haven't taken the step of talking in person with my T about these specific problems.
Also, I do the same thing - prior to making a lot of posts, all I can think of is how people are going to judge me for posting it, and I am also surprised when the support flows in instead of the judgement that I fear.
I'm sorry that you're here in the sterility boat with me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Long before I couldn't, I too couldn't risk (original thought) having children because of the genetic cancer in my family, that (God forbid) I'd pass it to them, or leave them likely without a parent, and a widowed spouse (presuming they would have cared about me). Nor could I in good conscience just get pregnant 'because', without a loving partner, more for my sake but also if again they had no other parent, a loving FOO would have been scarce to nil. (Yes, I do feel like 'damaged goods'.)

JMHO, but if you have a loving partner, that is wonderful. If you do or are able, financially,, or ever do choose to adopt, it is not your own genes, no. But, within context, it's (potentially) better: your suffering intertwines to alleviate the suffering of a little one with no family of their own (and how lonely and great that suffering may be :(:cry::cry::cry::cry: ).

Humbly, I don't by any means mean to infer your suffering is not huge, it is crappy to lose out or have difficult what many take for granted. Just the caveat their reality is not necessarily idealic.

Oddly, I've even heard it said raising children teaches us to be selfless. But perhaps for some of us we have to be selfless in other ways, or our lives will require something different, a freedom not possible with children.

Idk, FWIW, some of the absolutely sweetest people/ couples I know did not or could not have children. Their 'genes' would have been great, if at all similar to theirs'. :notworthy:

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Sweetleaf]

While their reality may not be idyllic, I actually have years worth of experience working with children, and I once, years ago, had an exes niece and nephew living in the same house with us (along with their mother). I babysat them many times. That was actually really nice, I thought. Sure, they can be pains in the asses, but it's not like they're life ruiners. I may not have parenting experience, but I have worked with thousands of children by this point. At this point I'm a substitute teacher, but I've been working in schools ever since I was still going to university. Haven't been able to work in uhh... 6 months? 7 months? I don't even know at this point. It's been a while. The trauma became too much to be capable of working anymore, even though that was actually one of my escapes. (though there was no escaping from the mental anguish of worrying what the f*ck the psycho is doing at home while I'm not there, whether I'm coming home to two dead cats and a corpse, etc.)

I want to return but I still feel too unstable, and it's so unpredictable whether a day will wind up being a total shit-show, or whether I'll be relatively fine. On top of this, I often feel a lot of pressure at work, particularly in the very beginning of the day, because I usually have no idea exactly what I'm going to have to do. (substitute teacher, so it's a mystery unless they give me lesson plans ahead of time)

Anyway though, I am kind of going off on a tangent here. My point: I feel like I have a more realistic view on it than those who have no children and also no experience with children. What I mean is, while I do feel like I am -seriously- missing out on very important and fulfilling shit, I also am not wearing rose-tinted glasses about everything. I have seen the difficult side of kids. I literally used to work with the children who throw desks and chairs - like a class of kids that is -only- those kids (a lot of them have trauma history actually), and who you have to never give sharp scissors, who get into many fights per day typically. I'm talking kids with pretty strong behavioral problems, where there are like 4-5 adults in a class of 6-7 kids, and extra support easily had with a radio call. So I have seen some really, really difficult, challenging behaviors, and handled them.

Yes, I do feel like 'damaged goods'.

You're definitely not alone in that, I feel the same way.

your suffering intertwines to alleviate the suffering of a little one with no family of their own

That's actually a great point. Yes, that would be a positive thing about it. The flipside of that is they will not be a tabula rasa, a blank slate, when you get them. But I suppose it's rather debatable and also individual whether that would even matter.

Oddly, I've even herd it said raising children teaches us to be selfless. But perhaps for some of us we have to be selfless in other ways, or our lives will require something different, a freedom not possible with children.

This makes me think of one of the few things I consider a silver lining to my sterility - because of it, I didn't have any kids with my abuser, and I know for sure that if there were children involved in that, it would have made the process of freeing myself from him a whole lot more difficult. I remember filling out the restraining order paperwork and getting to the part that asked about whether you had children with the person you're filing the order against, and I just out loud exclaimed "oh thank f*cking god I don't!" I also felt relief related to this, when, in my trauma sensitive yoga group, one of the other women talked about how she had to regularly see, and interact with her abuser, because she had kids with him and they had shared custody. It actually made her cry and hyperventilate just from talking about it. The thought of having to actually be face to face with my abuser is pretty f*cking horrifying.

It would be great if I could just -enjoy- the positive sides to not having children. But instead I just feel like shit over it. I try to look at the positive sides of it, but it's hard.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry I just needed to come back to add, because I feared when I wrote it sounded insensitive because I know it's so painful and this is very true and I relate:

I wish that I could have kept not really caring, instead of becoming more and more affected by it as the years went on. It's not an easy thing to cope with, especially when you've already got so much other stuff to deal with.

Idk your age, I'm thinking I'm older and hoping to save you some grief because I've learned the hard way, I (myself only) have seen that apart from necessary grieving and self-understanding, I know of only one way that lessens the desire to not exist, and that is to do what is still an option, or does bring you joy. Small or large.

I'm very sorry if anything I said caused hurt or wasn't helpful, if so disregard. :(

I wish it was easier,

Yes. :(:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

The flipside of that is they will not be a tabula rasa, a blank slate, when you get them.

They are probably more inclined than most to value love and kindness, time, care, safety and attention, albeit perhaps a new experience.

It would be great if I could just -enjoy- the positive sides to not having children. But instead I just feel like shit over it. I try to look at the positive sides of it, but it's hard.

Yes. I have no one who cares. I get it, Value sinks for me, 'Who am I? 'What' am I? What point is there to be here?"

I guess it's the difficulty separating the depressive aspect from the factual one: like if someone has no legs, it's depressing to 'think' of having no legs. But having no legs is a reality, one you're aware of and deal with every day.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Idk your age, I'm thinking I'm older and hoping to save you some grief because I've learned the hard way

I'm 29.

I know of only one way that lessens the desire to not exist, and that is to do what is still an option, or does bring you joy. Small or large.

That wouldn't include adoption for a long time, seeing as I am -extremely- far from being ready for such responsibility, considering I pretty much can't even take care of myself.

I know that there are so many things I still have yet to do, and I have been deprived of them for years. So many things I used to enjoy, so many things I always wanted to do, all things I lost out on because my abuser kept me from the world.

Right after I freed myself from my abuser - I was excited at the fact that there were so many things that I had been deprived of for years, that I could finally enjoy again. I could go places! I could do things! I could literally just f*cking do whatever the f*ck I wanted (well, within my means of making shit happen obviously), and that felt insanely liberated. I wanted to do everything ever, all at once. That calmed down a bit as I got more distance from my psychosis, but then, because I seemed so stable compared to when she first saw me, my therapist started collecting some information to prepare me for the first round of EMDR. That delving into my trauma, made all of my PTSD symptoms really start to hit hard. She knew the general, extremely basic version of what happened, at that point, but I hadn't even attempted to start actually delving into things, at all, at that point.

After that, I pretty much shifted towards isolation, and I've lost interest in doing a whole lot of those things, even lost interest in the things I actually liked doing that I still got to kinda do while I was being abused. All the negative things have been coming up. I have actually made improvements in regards to healing, and it definitely shows, but I feel like my symptoms and moods make it hard to do those things that I've been wanting to do for so long, and just kinda saps the motivation/energy for doing that shit out of me.

I've been kind of dying for the snow to finish melting enough for me to pull my bike out, so I can get out of the house for once and go on rides. I suppose that's one thing I actually do look forward to, though it is very easy to forget about it.

They are probably more inclined than most to value love and kindness, time, care, safety and attention, albeit perhaps a new experience.

True, a lot of kids certainly take their lack of trauma and bad shit in their lives for granted. I've seen loads of that. You make a good point.

There are some things in our lives that we inevitably can't change. I can't un-traumatize myself, I can't change the fact that I'm sterile, we can't alter the past, so on and so forth. The problem for me is that I have been having a very hard time accepting the fact that I am sterile and cannot change that, as just another fact of life, like the fact that I have to wear glasses, or the fact that I have sport-induced asthma, so on and so forth.