ED Disordered eating

[ninja]

Something my T told me 10 months ago as I began eating foods I previously wasn't allowing (high fat high sugar) and expressing panic about that: 'this is what I was afraid of and why I didn't feel I could trust myself'. She told me that perhaps I never gave the little kid a chance to be trusted. I started crying from the truth there. At that time I never would have thought I could allow the little kid some decision making power, trusting that eventually (on her very own) she would learn and find her way towards a place of health and balance. I've devalued her for awhile. It's happening slowly and while I don't know if it's been the most efficient way, I do know there won't be relapses. These days she beginning to prioritize nutrition over certain foods, thus I do not feel like I am having to fight and go against my nature. There are struggles, sugar being a pretty hard-to-resist thing. . but I know this and am starting to be able to make the decision to not eat much of it, not because I am scared of what will happen if I do eat it, but because the little kid and I have both realized it doesn't make me feel great. And we are both learning we can trust each other to get through difficult times.

It's really a challenging thing that you are doing @Disco Dancing Queen. I think it is very hard to take apart the fear of not having enough, the fears around the other things you are facing, whilst also losing weight. It's really quite something.
I still purposely have days where I choose to eat more just so that I know I can.
You will get there and already are getting there. You can do this. Celebrating with you along the way.

 

[ms spock]

I went to the kitchen to cook something, and I realised it was an emotional hunger, and though I had what I thought as a small breakfast this morning, it was actually a normal sized meal. I have this abject terror of not having enough, and it is hard to manage. I lived such a live of deprivation as a small child, it was horrible. But I realised it was an emotional hunger, so I stopped and redirected my activities.

 

[ninja]

Perhaps now there is the uncomfortable space to try to figure out what you actually are needing during this time of transition.
You can put a time limit for sitting down and being with your feelings, if that feels right. And then know that this is part of the rewiring your system is doing, and right now you are making the best decisions you can to support yourself.
Personally I find the self criticism usually (but not always) needs to be listened to (rather than entirely eschewed), and I find it helpful if I can separate from the meanness it may throw at me and listen to the message. For instance, if I am feeling selfish, I will work harder to be more present to those around me.

 

[ms spock]

Yes this type of nuanced management is most useful to me. I am working on being a lot less of a selfish person.

ED - Disordered eating

 

[ms spock]

Working on Self Compassion Breaks http://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/self-compassion.break_.mp3 and I watched some comedians, and played some music. I am doing okay, it is not easy, but I am doing it!

 

[ms spock]

I was comfort eating last night instead of doing one of my alternative activities! I really want to do some of my alternative activities!

I am really struggling with this again.

 

[ms spock]

It has been a huge day indeed!

Evening time finds me struggling not to comfort eat, yet again!

Still maintaining 80 kilos so 8 kilos off my top of my BMI. This is a big deal for me. I am overweight now and not obese.

 

[ms spock]

So I didn't do so well last night - I slipped into comfort eating. This morning I ate all my points after talking to my friend whose girlfriend's family is behaving abhorrently towards them both, after the death of her Mother. I find people telling me their problems very difficult. I go to self soothing via food really quickly. I can't actually emotionally regulate myself enough to stay grounded and manage myself. I can't give heavy duty emotional support without a great cost to myself.

 

[ms spock]

I have been putting too much pressure on myself due to my being hard on myself, and wanting to push the eating thing along faster than it is going. This is not working for me! This is not working for me at all.

 

[ninja]

I personally do think we need to have days where we challenge restriction: days where it is not about minimizing intake or eating under a limit. Because it is a challenge to accept ourselves, as is. I think in order for the new ways of relating to food to stick, all parts of us have to be on board with the changes we make. I.e. No piece of self feels steamrolled or disregarded. You are doing a lot, and making huge progress. I'm saying this as someone who has been at this 'how do I eat in a way that works for me' for the last 10 months. It can be enormously frustrating to have to work through. It's a big deal, and so much healing can come from walking through.

[I found it really (and still do sometimes) hard to let go and face the fear I had/have that the feelings might consume me. My biggest assist in letting go of food stuff is having an outlet to get in touch with my feelings regularly without trying to identify them. . . just go with the feelings even if I don't know what they are or why, and trust that eventually the what and why and how (to get through) will become clearer. I tend to want to put things in words and make them totally clear, but that removes me a little bit from the raw act of accepting and feeling them no matter how they come. To do that means I trust I'm a decent person in a process. For me the outlet is yoga, and I think it's been important that it is body based and non-verbal. Perhaps another avenue could be painting, or music which I know you're involved in! Feelings can be so helpful in these areas. Out of curiosity, do you feel that it is a little less freaky to feel your feelings whilst playing?]

Standing by you, and celebrating the small things.

 

[ms spock]

I am struggling with being in my feelings when playing as well @NinjaWolf. If I could pick up my musical instrument instead of picking up food it would be amazing. I wish I could have done that this morning. So this morning I let myself eat what I wanted because I knew it was emotional eating, and I wanted that deprived part to get what she wants. She still wasn't happy, but anyway trying stuff.

Standing by you, and celebrating the small things.

I am grateful. I am very grateful for the multiple improvements in my life.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @Dear Disco Dancing Queen )))
You are doing SO well at so many things. I can't imagine tackling them at once. I can't even regulate my food intake and make myself exercise at the same time.

If you don't mind me asking, why are you planning on stopping your antidepressant? I am resigned about having to be on an antidepressant for the rest of my life, because it is too dangerous to my mental health to NOT be medicated. I tried multiple times and gained at least 20 pounds each time, and ended up depressed and back on meds. Our brains not the same as people who don't have PTSD,

I hope you aren't pushing too hard? If I am off base, it's ok... I try to imagine working on EVERYTHING at once and it's enough to send me into a panic. All of that and thinking about going out into the workforce would push me right off the ledge. But you have done SO MUCH WORK on EVERY aspect of your life!

I hope that you give yourself rewards along the way?

Keep up the PHENOMENAL WORK!!!