Current therapy state

[cinderellafaye]

I have been in therapy for 17 years and just now am just beginning to be at a place where I can slowly revisit (parts of) my past. It may seem ridiculous, but my first two years of therapy with my current therapist (of 10 years) were spent in silence. I would/could not talk.

Currently, I am able to vaguely discuss the bad (but not-so-very-bad). But everything seems like it didn't happen to me. As if, everything that I am recalling is from some movie or television show that I vaguely remember viewing years ago. I do not understand why I have to keep discussing things that I have already mentioned. Seems like a waste of time. T said it because my experiences are so fragmented, I need to integrate them.

Another t that I saw briefly said that the past is over and done with; consequently, there is nothing you can do to change it. Due to this, it is better to not retraumatize by looking into the past, but to just focus on the present. I would prefer to not look into my past, so this seems more appealing to me.

I am so opposed to investigating the truth. I am afraid that talking about it will kill me. I don't know fully what happened and I am okay with that.

Nothing happened. I just make things up and overreact.

Is anyone else's recovery as slow going as mine? It is like I am simultaneously work towards and against recovery. My therapist uses Internal Family Systems therapy. She says that it is because part of me is afraid to get better.

If I am so stagnant in therapy and so slow due to my therapist. Do I need to switch because I am too comfortable with her? Do I need someone that will push me more? I don't want to leave my current therapist. I really like her and have made some progress. For instance, I CAN talk in therapy and we no longer sit in complete silence. I am so afraid that she will leave me that maybe this is my way to leave her before she can leave me.

 

[Friday]

If I am so stagnant in therapy and so slow due to my therapist. Do I need to switch because I am too comfortable with her? Do I need someone that will push me more?

Are you happy with your life?

 

[cinderellafaye]

No. But, I would imagine that most people aren't.

 

[Friday]

Sorry if that wasn’t clear.

Some people are in therapy their whole lives, because it’s like going to the gym. It’s simply a part of how they stay happy & healthy.

Other people seek out therapy to fix specific problems, much like physio/ physical therapy, healing and retraining injuries.

So when I asked if you’re happy with your life, I meant rather, why are you in therapy? Is it just something you do, or are you there for a purpose? If you’re happy with your life, it would seem like there’s no reason to switch up therapists, because it’s clearly working. If you’re there for a purpose & haven’t achieved it? After 10 years? I’d think switching is long overdue.

Doesn’t matter a whit whether most people are happy or unhappy, what do YOU want? Why are you there?

 

[EveHarrington]

Have you been identifying your various parts? Have you been asking them what they need from you? Have you been trying to comfort your child parts? Have you tried asking protector parts to step down so that self can be front and center?

 

[Rani G2]

Doesn’t matter a whit whether most people are happy or unhappy, what do YOU want? Why are you there?

Something I need to answer to myself. There is one aspect I am not working at all...or lets say I search for external things but its as if I am not willing to dig deep. I am in therapy since 2012. Changed Therapist twice...
I

 

[Julesy]

I started deep trauma work a year ago in June. Prior to that I had seen the same therapist for 8 years and it took me that long to build the trust for me to come to a place where I could open up about trauma that had happened in my childhood with her. This is not because she is an ineffective therapist. Quite the opposite as she has been patient and helped me through present day crises and traumas that kept happening and prevented me from accessing the younger parts to heal them. During those years, I built the trust with her to come to such a time as this. And it's a good thing because that trust has been heavily tested by my system in the past few months. It has stood the test of time but only because I had 8 years of consistency with her to fall back on. I think trying to put a time limit/timeframe on therapy isn't helpful and can cause undue anxiety. It takes as long as it takes and that's different for all of us. I encourage you to honor your process, Friends rather than trying to force it into a time box.

 

[Suzetig]

What change can you see in yourself? After this long I’d hope you could really identify a lot of ways in which life is better/easier/less symptomatic, how will you know that you’re done - eg is there an end point that you’re aiming for or is it a case of just going until you feel fixed or someone tells you you’re fixed?

It’s fine to stay in therapy because you like the space it gives you to work on yourself and your personal development but if you can’t see significant change at this point I’d suggest you stop going for a couple of months and see how it goes. It may be that you miss your T rather than you’re doing constructive work.

 

[NightSky]

“Nothing happened. I just make things up and overreact”- that may be your sticking point. I’m only guessing. But I have been on that fence for 20 years, since my first memories emerged. I have gone back and forth every day of my life. I haven’t been in therapy for that long. But going into my third year with my current T, and having a few years under my belt with other T’s I can tell you, I’m only now starting to move forward into real processing because I’m refusing to allow that train of thought as much as possible.
I’ve finally come to the conclusion that if nothing happened, I wouldn’t be wrestling with it every single day of my entire life. It just doesn’t make sense. It’s time to move forward in a real way by accepting what happened so i can find self compassion, because without it, healing is extremely difficult and slow, if possible at all.
It’s not really about just “discussing things” with your T. It’s about learning what those parts that are holding the trauma and the parts that are trying to protect you, need.
Ask your T to push you more!
Keep at it. You deserve to heal.

 

[cinderellafaye]

Thanks for all the responses. Sorry it has taken me a while to respond. With Passover and Easter falling back-to-back, I have been pretty busy dealing with dysfunctional families.

@Friday - No, I am not happy with my life. I am in therapy to function better. I lost most of my late teens/20s due to hospitalizations. Now, I am trying to (re)enter society and become as functional as I possibly can. I suppose that some people seek therapy to fix something specific as you suggest (for instance, improve a marriage). My reason is more to keep myself afloat and not sink into the abyss . . . sort of like damage control. I have a 4 year old son and want to be the best person that I can for him. As for dealing with my past, I would rather not and it is not why I am in therapy. Obviously, it must be dealt with in some fashion as it applies to the present. (I have no idea if this makes sense.)

@EveHarrington - No, we have just began to scratch the surface with IFS therapy. I have not been able to identify the parts. How does one even do that? Is that something that you just "know"?

@PURUSHA - Yes, I truly believe that only person or thing that can help my current predicament is myself. Changing a therapist will not help a bit if I am not invested in the help provided. My current therapist is fantastic. It is only me that is holding back. I have made steps, but seem to be standing in my own way. I truly think that I am just afraid.

@Julesy - Thank you for your response. It makes me feel less freakish. I have been in therapy for a long time and oftentimes doubt if I am too broken to ever be "fixed." The idea that you had long term therapy before you were at a place to begin to heal is quite encouraging.

@Suzetig - At this point, I feel like there is no end point to therapy and that I will need it for the rest of my life just to function. Maybe that is a misuse of therapy, but that is my current status.

@NightSky - I think I am just afraid.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is your therapist a trauma therapist?

This is just my take on things....

Many of us with trauma histories have fragmented memories. Talking about those memories over and over again doesn’t necessarily make them less fragmented as your mind isn’t going to release more memories until you are safe...and it’s possible you may never get more memories back. So in this sense, just talking about them probably isn’t going to do much.

Can you explain how else your therapist is trying to help you?

It doesn’t sound like she’s doing IFST that I’m familiar with. Identifying parts may seem like a daunting task, but once you understand the basics of exiles and protector parts, it’s really quite easy. Feelings, behaviors, thoughts....these can all be parts. Exiles are wounded child parts that are in pain. Protectors are parts that try to prevent the child parts from being in pain. My main protectors are anger, fawn, run away, push away. There are more. My job as the core self is to take care of my wounded child parts, and to get my protector parts to trust that I can do this, so that they will step down....and for example, so that anger isn’t running the show. This is all really confusing, I know, so if you’re interested in knowing more about IFST I really suggest reading a book about it. I really do think it’s a great therapy tool. I just question if your therapist is doing IFST with you.

 

[Freemartin]

Another long-timer here.
I'm currently in the middle of switching therapists. I worked with the previous one for ages. I started slowly realising that it wasn't going anywhere anymore. Now I'm in the process of deciding how to go on from here. I'll most certainly continue trauma therapy.

The first years with my previous t were all about building trust and not freaking out about being in a therapeutic relationship. It took ages for me to be able to just tolerate that. There was no processing of traumas whatsoever, because I was so phobic. When we did proceed to the processing part sh*t started to go sideways. She wasn't up to her task. I couldn't tolerate the sh*t that got activated. It was a slowly unwrapping disaster. I was so fortunate as to have a brilliant nurse in my outpatient program. She realised what was happening and helped me with the processing. With her it was totally manageable. She uses body-oriented approaches. It has been a real salvation for me. Just talking doesn't do the trick for me. But with the somatic sh*t? Yeah, that I can do!

So, with me it took ages to get that therapy thing going. And then I came to realise I needed to get a different therapist. It's frustrating, but I'm also feeling quite hopeful. My nurse really believes in me and in my process of healing. The fact that the process has taken a lot of time isn't a sign of it being hopeless. I believe that we really have to face the traumas and process them. But it can be done in a safe, tolerable manner.