Childhood Ptsd is proof that i survived

[bellbird]

It's a hard thing to think about, and I prefer to just ignore the fact that the person who abused me was also abused.

@Sweetleaf I'm so sorry for what you've been through. My ex who was my abuser had been abused in multiple forms in his childhood too.
I am no longer with him, though now (and more so when I was with him), I would try to ignore that fact as much as possible. Other than giving some *possible* clue as to how he ended up the way he was/is, though I refuse to believe that that's the only reason why he is that way, it serves me no purpose. Because what he has gone through gives him no right to have treated me the way he did. And I can't afford to let that small part of my mind that still feels very much under his control (even though I have left) try to justify his actions.
Thanks to this post by @littleoc I can at least somewhat try to look at it in a positive light; that he may have put me through those things but I refuse to treat others the that way he treated me.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

That's how I think about my survival as well @littleoc .

I could've easily followed in my father's footsteps. After all he trained me to take on the "family business." No thanks! I had no aspirations to become a serial killer like him. That's the last thing I wanted to be.

 

[Cactus Bloom]

This has been a difficult thing for me to deal with.

My abuser, my f*cking psycho ex, he himself had...

I honestly can’t imagine what you are going through and trying to make sense of how someone who was abused become an abuser himself and even worse. From what I understand, through my own “research”, is that there most likely has to have a genetic related problem and/or specific brain functions altered like with the amygdala, cerebral cortex or the frontal lobe that exists previous to possible environmental factors to trigger the biological disposition of someone who develops psychopathy. On going trauma already reduces the sizes in the amygdala and hippocampus but add that onto the already existing problems in the brain prior to birth then maybe that’s what is the difference between becoming someone suffering with PTSD and other mental illnesses and never ever would abuse anyone to someone who does.

No matter what, there is absolutely no excuse for anyone to hurt or abuse anyone EVER! I’ve been reading your post several times in the last couple of days and I had to say something to you. I’m having a hard time getting out what I want to express to you but am at a loss for any words to ever come close to how much pain I feel from you just pouring out. This is so cheesy but I seriously can’t think of anything else other than to say that I love you.

 

[Sweetleaf]

No matter what, there is absolutely no excuse for anyone to hurt or abuse anyone EVER!

Yes, this right here. 100% truth.

I’ve been reading your post several times in the last couple of days and I had to say something to you. I’m having a hard time getting out what I want to express to you but am at a loss for any words to ever come close to how much pain I feel from you just pouring out. This is so cheesy but I seriously can’t think of anything else other than to say that I love you.

That is touching to hear, it is something that I have been holding on to for a while. I don't think I have ever talked about it before, before that post. It has been bothering me, it has been so hard to think about, I've been trying to totally ignore it. He was abused... I was abused... but I sure as shit am nothing like him. It's still a hard thing to have to think about.

I'm sorry that it causes you to feel that pain, but thank you for your words. Also thank you for sharing all you had to say. :hug:

 

[Cactus Bloom]

Yes, this right here. 100% truth.



That is touching to hear, it is something that I have been holdi...

You know, I read a lot of articles about how an abused becomes an abuser because it never made sense to me how someone who is abused wouldn’t do the opposite of what was done to them. Like another commenter said about how the cycle of abuse is broken.

Through studies, it is pretty clear that the majority of abusers do not become abusers but in your case that obviously wasn’t true. I am always trying to find reasons (usually through scientific research) why people do what they do and how people are so evil. I can’t get past the trying to logically figuring things out because I do want to make sense of things even though it can’t make sense.

I’m extremely grateful that you were able to put your feelings into words. My “logic” wants to excuse my abusers so it is a constant battle because I don’t have access to my emotions and keeping everything logical keeps my emotions even more hidden.

You wowed me when you said you did everything you could do to take care of yourself so you wouldn’t get PTSD yet you did. You are so strong even though you say you couldn’t stop yourself from getting all the horrible symptoms of PTSD and it is definitely not your fault. I’m still in the my “nervous system hijacking mode” which has basically been at least the 43 years I have been alive and have never had any control over this so called life. I hate that this is what it is. I hate that I didn’t get to choose how my defense mechanisms reacts to trauma and others have survived “worse” than I did and aren’t incapacitated in the way that I am. I know people say we all have choices but I DID NOT HAVE A CHOICE. You did not have a choice. I do hope that you continue to heal and will know that none of your abuse was your fault and it’s not you fault that your built in survival mechanisms did its job to keep you alive. I hope it’ll release me one day as it is a huge inconvenience now (my little way of humor) and you also.

Once again thank you for letting this out and hopefully it did help in some way to get it out. I wish you a good day today :x3:

 

[Sweetleaf]

it’s not you fault that your built in survival mechanisms did its job to keep you alive.

This sort of stuff is stuff I wish I was told more often, thank you for saying it. I forget that that's what this is, so often. Kind of makes me want to cry to think about, in a way, and I don't know why. Just thinking of myself in that situation. Maybe I'm just becoming a -gigantic- sap again who cries at the drop of a hat. I've been feeling kind of like that lately.

These symptoms aren't him continuing to hurt me. They are here because of what my body and brain had to do to survive all of that. They are a sign that I survived some difficult things, and my brain had to do all sorts of things to itself to make that happen. But, here I am. Alive. My brain needs to get the hint that it's all over but I'm alive.

It sucks and it hurts and I wish I could just return to normal, like I was before I met him, but it's not happening, not yet. Maybe I can make it happen.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this condition for so long.

 

[littleoc]

This sort of stuff is stuff I wish I was told more often, thank you for saying it. I forget that that...

You couldn't feel all that you feel now at that time. You need time to go through what happened, and you're backed up by a bit.

Preventing PTSD didn't stop it from developing because your brain was already on that road -- it needed to be able to find time to process, but it needed to calm down first.

I've read a lot of your posts on here. I think personally that you're doing a great job, trying to figure all this out.

I am personally completely plagued by guilt and over-empathy for all the people who hurt me, because I feel for their trauma. I even felt for the trauma of hurting me FOR an abuser. I have to accept that bad things do happen to people, and that doesn't mean they deserve love or pity. Especially not your ex, or mine. I can't grasp that well, though, and it's weird how some people really do just snap and enjoy taking revenge so much that it ends up being the only thing that works.

In your case, though? I'd say you have lots more to process, but once you do, you'll be able to realize that you are a survivor :) You got out, and you did literally last ditch efforts to survive and you made it. Not only that, but your last ditch efforts were to protect you from the horribleness of your reality -- not to become the aggressor.

That's one reason why I think you're strong :) I hope you can come to similar conclusions in your own time

 

[Freida]

Wow -- so many things I think......

It's a hard thing to think about, and I prefer to just ignore the fact that the person who abused me was also abused.

My T brought this up once -- that he could have been abused. My response? I don't care. He had a choice -- he chose the path that led to me.

It just feels like I have to continue to suffer at the hands of my abuser, while he gets to continue his life virtually without consequence for what he did, and go find new victims

I'm in the guilt phase of this right now..... How many others came after me because I kept quiet?

They are here because of what my body and brain had to do to survive all of that. They are a sign that I survived some difficult things, and my brain had to do all sorts of things to itself to make that happen

Hey! How did you get that all figured out so fast!? LOL I'm still miles from here..
Stop and give yourself a huge pat on the back - because this is brilliant

 

[Sweetleaf]

Hey! How did you get that all figured out so fast!? LOL I'm still miles from here..
Stop and give yourself a huge pat on the back - because this is brilliant

Lmao. I am still back and forth on it, myself, and of course, sometimes I just forget that "your brain did it to try to save you from worse" is a thing.

My therapist said similar lines to me when I was first seeing her. I think part of it is, she explained a bunch of brain stuff to me so that I understood a little better what was going on in my brain when I was experiencing psychosis due to the trauma, and how my brain had to adjust to deal with all that bad stuff that was going on during the trauma, as a survival mechanism.

Part of me getting diagnosed with PTSD made me think "oh thank f*cking god, I don't have some psychotic disorder or schizophrenia or something" so it kinda nudged those "this is happening because all that f*cked up shit made your brain bend itself into a pretzel" things along. The psychosis also showed me that the brain is capable of some wild shit.

Having to deal with psychosis helped me be more accepting of the diagnosis, I think. It was good to have answers as to why my brain never returned to "normal" after exiting psychosis. I was wanting to just go back to my old life, just pick things back up and get back at it. At least now I know why that seems to be impossible for the time being.

I'm in the guilt phase of this right now..... How many others came after me because I kept quiet?

This is the stuff that continually throws me into the internal struggle of "do I report all of that to the police, and hand over all my evidence, or not?"

On the one hand: getting him locked up and getting this shit on his record, will help fewer people become victims to him in the future.

On the other: doing that, the whole report process, and everything after, including seeing my abuser again... while also feeling intense fear at how he will react... and just a shitload of fear about the whole thing... that will be really f*cking hard, and that's like the understatement of the year. Difficult, distressing, scary, I don't even know if I could handle it at the moment. I don't know if I ever will be able to handle that. I just wish it would all go away, so badly. I wish I didn't have to make the "report it or let him go victimize others" choice.

 

[Freida]

I wish I didn't have to make the "report it or let him go victimize others" choice.

Oh I get that. I don't have any words of wisdom - but I get it.

 

[littleoc]

Lmao. I am still back and forth on it, myself, and of course, sometimes I just forget that "your brai...

Do what you can when you're ready?

I was basically forced to do a police report at the age of 13, maybe 14. I ended up not telling the full "truth" and it bothers me, but doesn't really matter because the man moved to China and when he came back, no warrant for his arrest... I'll get around to questioning that one day. For now...