Should i try?

[FauxLiz]

@EveHarrington I could but here is the thing, River Oaks is just over a 1,000 miles from where I live so if I called everyday and they told me on say Tuesday afternoon they could admit me if I was there by noon the next day I can't figure out a reasonable way to do that financially. An economy one-way ticket with that short of notice I can't even imagine the cost, it is a 17 hour drive not including stops so yeah a min of 24 hours notice would be necessary.

My t and I had a very strong disagreement today over the admissions form. By the end of the appointment I capitulated and will probably hate myself down the road but they will only accept admission forms from your outpatient treatment team and he has apparently changed his mind on this issue since November and wouldn't submit the form unless I allowed him to say I have an issue with alcohol use (I drink, 2-4 days a week sometimes a single drink some times 4-6) I can go weeks without a drink and it not be a problem but I am also aware that it is a negative coping mechanism.. Lately, I feel like all we do is play tug of war with my life and I am losing the war. And even worse I am afraid I am going to lash out in anger and rage at our inability to agree on this issue and I will get hurt.

To be honest tonight as I sit here I am battling with myself in regards to whether I would be safer in an inpatient environment where I didn't feel safe than at home where I feel safe but am not sure I can stay safe. Add to that what impact would an admission at this point have on my admission at River Oaks, who would pick up my son on Friday night when he gets home from his trip especially since my car is still in the shop and most likely will be until Friday and oh, yeah how would the work get paid for if I am not the one picking up the car? How would things with the separation agreement be completed if I am not here to sign the paperwork?

Sorry I didn't mean to unload here I am just really really struggling and feel on the verge of imploding.

 

[EveHarrington]

So your therapist was being manipulative and saying no treatment for you unless you say you have an alcohol problem?!?

 

[scout86]

Sorry I didn't mean to unload here I am just really really struggling and feel on the verge of imploding.

That's what "here" is for!

As far as the alcohol goes, maybe it's a problem, maybe it's not. It won't hurt to discuss it. (I know it's not easy to trust these people, but they ARE supposed to know what they're doing.)

Do you have a procedure in place, in the event that you're no longer able to stay safe? You can get yourself admitted any time. Kind of hard to get out (without jumping through hoops) once you do. So, maybe knowing how you'll handle the situation, in case it arises, is enough?

 

[FauxLiz]

Depends upon how you look at it, from my viewpoint yes, from his "I want to make sure you get the help you need" like I said tug of war and while he wasn't saying no treatment just that he wouldn't submit the paperwork. Yes I probably could have taken the paperwork to my Pdoc and had him submit it but since t submitted the first time I was afraid they would see that as a red flag on my admission eligibility.

 

[FauxLiz]

@scout86 we did have a procedure in place if I didn't think I could stay safe, problem is it was to go to the hospital I was in the beginning of March that felt more unsafe than being at home. There was no supervision of guests, outside food and drink were allowed on the floor and could be kept in the kitchen fridge with your name on it (if you had guests that wanted to bring in alcohol, drugs whatever for you it wouldn't be hard. The psych unit had an "open wing" meaning after 48 hours if you said you could stay safe and staff believed you they transfered you to the open side, you could sign yourself out to go anywhere on the hospital grounds for 15 min at a time (wasn't closely monitored) including the parking lots, wooded areas etc. The rooms all had tall like 9-10 ft windows with curtains and industrious person could do a lot of damage with that, internet access was the regular hospital access, you were give a pair of headphones that you could check out from the desk to listen to music, watch movies what ever on the computers and you really were not monitored. Paper clips were left by staff in my room, on lounge and day room tables etc easy access to hurt yourself and that was on the locked wing. Hard plastic cups available for your beverages, meals served with regular silverware including knives and you were allowed to eat in your room and trays were not monitored when you returned them to the rack, oh and yeah you could order food/beverages from dining any time as often as you wanted between 6am and 7:30pm. When I am teetering on the edge I really don't want any more temptations. Also, meds were not monitored they handed you a med cup with your meds and you could walk away with them, no one made sure you took them or if you flushed them. One of my meds they were not familiar with for my headaches and the dr ordered a doseage twice my normal with greater frequency and it is a sch. 4 narcotic. I could have had a hay day just being stoned if I wanted to on that med with no monitoring.

Since then no new safe plan, t was out on spring break for a week which didn't help as it immediately followed the time period where he was "threatening/manipulating" me to try and go back to the unsafe safe hospital. I am beginning to think I need to seriously reconsider our work but as I have to have an outpatient t before I can be admitted to River Oaks I am not going to be on the search until after I return if I am allowed to readmit.

 

[scout86]

That doesn't sound super safe, but at least, I guess, you weren't alone. (Sounds like maybe you're alone at home for awhile?)

 

[FauxLiz]

@scout86 i am alone until late Friday yes but not being alone, yet poorly monitored with the ability to go off on my own, have private room so would bee alone in there while surrounded by people not a lot of help.

I am really hoping to hear something today either from River Oaks or from my soon to be ex-employer I really need to feel as though things are progressing forward in some manner.

 

[scout86]

I can totally relate to that feeling! I hope you hear something. Be sure to keep us posted!

 

[Freida]

I wonder if he pushed on the alcohol thing because it could bump you up in the line to get in.....
Your son can call an uber to get home -- hes an adult
Is there another inpatient hospital anywhere near by? Like if you drove to the next city over?
Do you have a friend you can stay with if things get dicey? I've had people stay with me over the years - I agree because I know they won't hurt themselves in someone else's home.

You are on the right track and things are aligning for you (finally!). You just need to hold on a bit longer..... and vent away here to your little heart's content!

 

[FauxLiz]

@Freida I am not sure why he pushed the alcohol thing its like since I returned from River Oaks in January he has been hammering on the issue and I don't know why. I am not drinking more actually less as money is tight and alcohol is a luxury expense. I just feel like something happened in our therapeutic relationship when I returned and we just can't seem to get on the same page about things.

Traditionally yes my son could call and Uber, if they served the area where we live and the school chaperones would release him to one, but since neither is possible that is an issue.

There is another inpatient hospital in a near city but I won't go there as I know several people that work there and they are not exactly known for their discretion. They talk about patients without ever saying a name but making sure that they give enough details that in my size of community you can't help but know who they are talking about.

It is spring break week here so anyone that I would trust is out of town so no one to stay with. I am on the right track I just have to hold on as long as needed until I can go back.

 

[Freida]

Traditionally yes my son could call and Uber,

Well crap --and I was thinking I was being all brilliant.

I am on the right track I just have to hold on as long as needed until I can go back.

Yes you can.... I'll help!

 

[FauxLiz]

@Freida you are brilliant, its just that my life seems to always find a way to circumvent even brilliant ideas.

Here's a question, do you ever get infuriated with the calm unemotional responses that your therapist gives you. In our session on Tuesday after our frustrating discussion about the paperwork for River Oaks he ended the session with "What do you need from me?" to which I answered I didn't know, so his reply was well if there is anything before we meet on Friday let me know. So, after much though I sent him an email today. His reply, which at this point I would almost rather he didn't reply, was "thank you for sharing your thoughts, I look forward to conversing on Friday" I swear if I could jump through the email and scream at him to stop being so calm and robotic. I know it is his job to retain his emotional control but every now and then I really wish I could break his facade.