Question about trigger avoidance

[Mee]

I think it depends on the trigger.

There are somethings I think it's foolish for me to try nnot avoid and NOT avoiding them out is avoidance in itself. For example: I used to use a social media platform a oetdon who raped me used. I stayed on it and tried to pretend to most ( not all) people that nothing had happened while I was dealing with a bigger emotional situation that was actually my trigger situation.

To remain on that social media platform is unnecessary daily re triggering. I do not believe it's helpful to me.

Now, my therapist also suggested I get rid of all other social media ( she does not particularly like me visiting here either ). Right now there are it's of re triggering things coming up in my reminders on facebook : deactivation seems to mto like choosing not to walk through a crocodile pit rather than not looking in a mirror And facing reality.

As a process of friendship editing ( including a former friend editing me!) and the triggering I divided to deactivate most of my online social mefua use and apply the same editing attitude when I feel ready to pick it back up.

Triggers: I do not want yo see my rapist again, this doesn’t feel like its unrealistic avoidance, it feels sensible.

My more difficult line is friendships connected at the time of the trigger event and rape. Mrape are terminated now but not all.

I am trying to decide whether I am avoiding representing myself in maintaining them? Or if cutting them off is avoidance to avoid any ’contamination’ with that time and place in life?

It's extremely difficult to get rid of all triggers; my home is filled with them. My wardrobe is, I cannot afford to avoid them.... Dates are triggers, Places are. Words : so many words are! yet these cannot be wiped off the calendar, map or dictionary.

But somethings? It seems sensible to me.

The grey Bits; the bits where j cannot work out where the avoidance lies or what the moral takeaway : where the integrity for me is I find the hardest.

Good luck

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I have been learning and learning, how to recognize my triggers before I reach the moment i am in trauma time. Sometimes I leave the room, sometimes I use a grounding aid. The only trigger I can't avoid is life itself and other humans.

 

[frogthroat]

If you try to avoid your triggers you'll end up like me where you live for 5 to 6 years barely leaving your home and then suddenly realize the boredom and loneliness is driving you insane. I have to learn to socialize all over like a preschooler. Please find healthy ways to deal with your triggers. You will be so much better off.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@frogthroat I very much agree, I try to not let potential triggers dictate how I live. There are some things it makes sense avoid to when I see it coming but those are the things I know will put me in a tailspin. Other triggers I used to not be able to handle, I use my grounding aids if I need them. That does not mean that I don't suffer in the process, I do, but I suffered more when I did know know how to get grounded.

 

[Freida]

@frogthroat Agreed! The triggers may never change. What changes is how I react to them.

 

[somerandomguy]

The triggers may never change.

This makes me feel, frankly, terrified. My triggers really make my day much more complicated and make interaction with other people much more problematic. Could it really be true that I'll never get over that? I mean, I already feel like I'm dealing with them pretty effectively, but I might have to stay this way??

I feel like I want to cry.

 

[Tinyflame]

@somerandomguy , I think how much they bother us can change, or the 'bother' lasts shorter. For me some became clinical: - ~ "I-know-why-that-bothers-me-but-because-I-know-why-it-no-longer-bothers-me-so-much". (Usually following repeated exposure in small doses, mind you. :( )Usually preceded by , "oh, that's why I'm so bothered! :confused:", and followed sometimes by" no one else would possibly guess this would be an issue".

So I suppose there is still dialog in my head but not the same emotional end result, or shorter lived. I try to change my mind and let it go and try to be brave and overcome it in many cases. It works better when I tell myself, "just forget it"- my emotional equivalent of trying not to let it become more than it should be in the way of ruining moments or the day(s).

Though I may throw out my nearly only (old) spring jacket today. ;):tup::happy:

Big triggers are harder for me though, not so much because they're emotion-laden as the potential consequences (fears) of repetition are scary/ terrifying.

 

[somerandomguy]

@Junebug - so I think you're saying you still feel the trigger, but you're able to dismiss it much more easily.

I still hate that. I don't want to have that emotional reaction of fight-flight-freeze at all. I want to be able to encounter the people who trigger me now and not think twice about it. If I'm always going to have that reaction - even for just a second or two - I still think it's going to affect me in a negative way.

Am I being too negative? Even if it's manageable, it still seems like it's always going to be unpleasant. I dont know if i can handle knowing that I'm never going to be fair to myself or to the people who I instinctively react to.

 

[Tinyflame]

so I think you're saying you still feel the trigger, but you're able to dismiss it much more easily.
.. I want to be able to encounter the people who trigger me now and not think twice about it.
..Am I being too negative? .. I dont know if i can handle knowing that I'm never going to be fair to myself or to the people who I instinctively react to.

Hi @somerandomguy I'm sorry I screwed up the quote but to respond to these 4 parts:

-Yes, exactly on the first. Mostly applies to more inanimate objects, or non-personal things.
-I think the people one is to be expected and even avoided as possible. If the person is negative. If it is nothing to really do at all with the person themself, remind yourself of the differences, and look for them. If they can't be avoided and are negative/ harmful/ have been harmful see if you can pinpoint what upsets you the most (why, other than the obvious- their actions), then live without them in mind/ hanging over your head.
-No, I don't think too negative just not knowing how feeling different will be like.
-Thank you for last part, never thought of that, as I try to not treat people unfairly. But that is very different than being afraid and triggered by someone who you (I) shouldn't be. You are right, that is unfair. :(

Also I think identifying 'what' the actual trigger is is huge.

 

[somerandomguy]

I've been trying to avoid talking about my specific trigger here but I want to avoid any misunderstandings. I'm triggered by strange women within a certain age range, and I am triggered by them because they remind me of my abuser. It doesn't feel right to me that I will always be triggered by women - even for a second or two - and that I will always have to work to dismiss being triggered by people who haven't done me any harm.

So this is my new normal? I don't know how I can accept that. My vision of myself doesn't include being discriminatory or misogynistic.

All thoughts are welcome. In fact, please help. I don't know how to live with always being this way. Up until now I've just assumed the triggers would go away once I was "better."

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think triggers ever 'go away', exactly? @somerandomguy , but some become -what's the word- pretty emotion-unladen?

Actually I could say a lot, but I won't. Only to say, no, it needn't be forever, the reactions become briefer. It's no different than women having lousy experiences with men (or otherwise).

Not sure if 'strange' means odd or a stranger?, but you might consider saying it for this reason alone:

When I was in University I was talking to a 'friend', we were talking about prejudice, I said I don't care if people are purple green whatever,. but I am ashamed to admit I am afraid of men of (his) nationality. I explained what happened with one (not much detail, very little description), and that I was sorry. :( He said, "I don't blame you, I would feel the same too!"

And the weirdest thing happened- I never felt that way about men of his nationality, including him, ever again. To this day. I can't explain it, except to say, it felt like my eyes were opened, don't know the words.

So maybe try. Pulling apart the trigger can help.

I also noticed, for example, in another case, it wasn't old men, but a certain type of glasses combined with a certain expression and angle.

The same can go in reverse, btw; we can assign 'good' qualities to people who remind us of other good people, especially on the basis of physical resemblance, and chances are it may be unfounded.

Working through the trauma(s) reduces the impact of triggers, I think. It probably meant more my friend was horrified than anything else (to my heart).

 

[Freida]

Could it really be true that I'll never get over that? I

Up until now I've just assumed the triggers would go away once I was "better."

Think of it this way ----

I HATE brussels sprouts. Sadly, I grew up in a family that loves them, so they were served for dinner a lot. Everytime I saw them on the table it made me want to gag. And -- as for kids everywhere - I was told "just take one bite, you might learn to like them. ". EWWWWWW It got so bad that I started to shake if i even saw one. So parents realized yea, I really didn't like them and they stopped making me try to eat them.

Did I learn to like them? Nope. Do they still make me gag when I smell them? Yep. Does it make me "feel" anything? Not really. Just makes me wonder how can people eat those nasty things. I think the same thing about people who eat crickets even though I've never tried one

That's an insultingly basic description of a trigger but it's kind of how it works. You hate it, you have an emotional reaction to it, you work on it, you lose the emotional reaction, you acknowledge it as something unpleasant that seems like a far away memory, and it no longer really bothers you

@Junebug's idea of tearing it apart to the small parts and then working on those is dead on. That's what I've been doing in EMDR. Taking an overwhelming memory that is filled with triggers, pulling them apart into smaller chunks, and then addressing each chunk separately. Once we are done processing that entire memory I may find that out of the original 10 triggers only one still bothers me. But even that one isn't a big deal -uncomfortable but something I can work with because it no longer derails me.

Does that help?