Not for men only - a place to discuss men's trauma issues (comments welcomed from all)

[somerandomguy]

It was within this last year that I got on Facebook and actually started reading comments to some memes and yes, it shocked me to my core.

The problem with social media is that it tends to bring out the worst in everybody. I was listening to a podcast featuring Rachael Maddox today and she made the point that if you post to social media while you're triggered, you're going to be angry and raw and may well end up saying something that might be offensive to other people, who then very well might get triggered themselves and post something offensive to you, and the cycle will potentially continue indefinitely.

Obviously something like #MeToo had to happen, and many if not most of its effects have been worthwhile. But as always, there will be people of all genders who use the movement as an excuse to act like jerks and idiots and attack other people (or entire groups of people) who don't deserve to be attacked. It's one reason that I stopped using Facebook. It just wasn't worth the constant stress for me.

 

[Still Standing]

there is so much conflicting information and everyone had an agenda or so much hate that they can’t see straight.

All I know is both men and women need to help each other and we need honest conversation unlike what is going on in social media.

Agree fully, Fionas74. We are so busy creating groups and divisions amongst ourselves, that the issues get totally lost is the anger, name-calling, accusations, and refusal to slow down and listen to responses and solutions. Few people know how to debate issues, they only know how to name call, physically react, and shut down opposing opinions. Nothing ever comes of things like this. The learning and solution solving attitudes are basically non-existent. " A house divided against itself cannot stand." We need a sturdy house and support the different "rooms" within it.

As for this thread, yes, somerandomguy, this is what I thinking while in my sleep-deprived mind, earlier this morning. I hadn't seen this thread, only the mens' one you started. Good job on getting both posted and going. :tup:

 

[Mee]

Fionas74 and still standing I concur.


I also hear and agree with a lot of somerandomguy’s stuff about how odd people are on social media. I accept people are triggered but ‘think before you speak’ is SO much easier online, as we type or at least voice to text is slower! Have I written stuff reactively? Absolutely. And I have always apologised when having done so. I believe people also read reactively .... if that makes sense. I am accused of ‘things’ far more often than I am emotional. I have Only twice written reactively pre ptsd on the Internet and was aware both times and tecognised it as what it was: time to turn off! I think a lot of people do not self police and self reflect and use select and the words, ‘sorry, I was wring’ Or just ‘I am sorry’

Why is this important? Because I think it’s ABSOLUTELY the same issue as we have with sexual offenders at the lower end of the spectrum at least. The selfish, grey areas. The ‘I want so I took’. The cannot hear others. The ‘I am not wrong, you got it wrong’. The ‘someone is wrong’ types. I am not saying it’s the same offence; I am saying it’s the same attitude. It’s one society fosters and wrongly calls free speech ( free speech is not harassment for example).

I think between you three you brought to air an tremendously important point with this.

 

[Cactus Bloom]

The problem with social media is that it tends to bring out the worst in everybody. I was listenin...

I was only on Facebook for 2 months and yes, I was addicted because I had to google so much. I didn’t even know what “snowflake” meant other than the beautiful white from Mother Nature. I would spend hours a day researching just one topic so I could try to understand all sides of whoever was being awful to another person. Now this is really showing my ignorance but I thought that I would be able to have a back and forth conversation about something because I wasn’t being emotional and using my hours worth of notes to formulate an “unbiased” comment. :roflmao: My comment would get skipped over so the other people could continue calling each other names. I cried every night from exhaustion but like always, I go to sleep, forget the day before and start over again. I left very few comments but I would spend 9-10 hours a day on just one post because of all the learning I have to do.

I have changed my “beliefs” so many times within those few months and I went down several “rabbit holes” into worlds that were so different and I was not doing good because I didn’t know which world to believe.

One world said patriarchal society is made up. Rape culture is made up. Feminists (now that is too big of a brush to paint) hate men and are the rulers and always have. Women pretend that they get raped. There’s “statistics” to even prove it. There’s the whole anti-women movement because guys are scared to even look at a woman because she can run to the police and report rape and the cops will immediately believe her and throw the guy in jail. Please hear me out because I’m not saying that this doesn’t happen. I’m just throwing a sliver of what I was looking at. And googling for answers is a nightmare because you have to put certain phrases or word combinations in the search to be able to find different results. For instance there was a group that claims 70% of rape accusations are false. Yes. And I googled it and found these “statistics”. Also “statistics” that say it’s around 2%. That took a long time to find out no one really knows exactly because there is so many variables in how reports are taken. I know you all know more about this than I do. I do know that men aren’t taken seriously if they are abused by a woman and there aren’t very many programs set up to help men and boys with abuse and rape. There aren’t as many resources for boys that are victims of sex trade.

There’s extreme sides and it all hurt to read. I did see more “feminists” sites that are advocating for boys and men and to start getting more knowledge out there. I hope more help is on the way.

I’m pretty upset right now because society really has messed us up. As a little girl I was taught to be “tough like a boy” because girls are “weak and crybabies”. I didn’t want to be weak so I was “tough” . Doesn’t work so well.

One thing I really want to know is it extremely scary for men just to work with women because she might accuse you of rape or sexual harassment? Does every man feel that way now? I care about you all and I want to do everything I can to help. I need good teachers because I’m so lost.

All of you are so amazing and thank you for letting me be here:)

 

[Mee]

Fiona74; my partner works with women and men. He has had an instance with a junior staff member who did not accuse him of making a pass at her but who became enamoured of him. He was not aware for a while and when he was did become a little concerned. He made himself more aware of his conduct - he is not flirtatious but is friendly ( to everyone) and did Not care to have this misunderstood.

Is everyone over alert? Well..... have sexual assaults on either gender stopped? Or workplace romances?

I would say my ptsd has made my husband more aware than my rape ( and despite previous workplace harassment we both shrugged and laughed over) . People learn differently I regret to say. I am not suggesting he gas been part if the problem ; merely tgst neither of is truly recognised the impact.
.

 

[somerandomguy]

One thing I really want to know is it extremely scary for men just to work with women because she might accuse you of rape or sexual harassment? Does every man feel that way now?

#MeToo caused me to get triggered and dissociate and feel suicidal. I'm not a typical case. Other men will definitely have reacted differently.

On the other hand, being triggered so badly by #MeToo was kind of the first time I realized how bad my trauma issues really were.

 

[Mee]

I am so sorry it had that impact for you.

So.much.

 

[somerandomguy]

I forgot to answer the question! No, I typically don't take any extra precautions with the women I work with. I don't think accusations against completely blameless people happen very often at all. I know it happens, but workplace violence happens too and is probably just as likely. I probably take a lot more precautions for an active shooter situation.

 

[lostnconfused]

I just wanted to say my brother and I grew up being physically and emotionally abused by a female relative, not only a male relative, so I grew up aware that males are also abused by women.

He felt triggered and upset that the #MeToo movement seemed to only talk about women, in his opinion (I informed him that, in the beginning of the movement, gay men came forward about the abuse they went through, too), but he also told me it helped him finally realize that he was sexually assaulted by a friend when he was 15, which was the first time he'd ever disclosed it to anyone.

I also wanted to express my sympathy about your, I believe, experience you mentioned with Reddit: when I mentioned the abuse I went through, growing up, several of the users there didn't care, and I also saw them be unsympathetic towards others' experiences and emotions. I thought I read stats saying that most of the members on there were in their teens and 20s, so, I guess that makes sense why many of them didn't understand about PTSD and how it still affects some adults, despite them wanting and trying to heal themselves. So, that sort of helped me not feel as upset; plus, finding other forums where older adults congregate and act more mature helped.

 

[Cactus Bloom]

I just wanted to say my brother and I grew up being physically and emotionally abused by a female...

I’m really sorry what you and your brother have and do continue to go through. Thank you for sharing. I’m assuming your mentioning me about my experience on Reddit but it was on Facebook. I did also want to mention that after I got off of Facebook, I found out about Reddit and actually became addicted to so many things on there and I was able to have a small amount of back and forth “conversations”. But, I had to quit that cold turkey because it became too distressing. There was a post about stories of what had happened when a woman just said no to a date and on Reddit most of the time you don’t know if the person is male or female because of the user name so I was actually leaving a comment and said “I’m a 43 year old female....” I was corrected to say “I’m a 43 year old woman”. By another person. And I was down voted. What the heck!? The most outrage I became the most aware of is yes, men being left out and left behind especially in regards to the social constructs where it’s not possible that boys and men are or can be raped by women. I’ve read many men tell their stories about this happening to them. Of course many people don’t understand how the body and brain works and the way the body reacts to touch in ways that a person has no control over which leads to more confusion and shame and self-blame because the body betrays them. I came across a guy by the name of Andrew Pari who is a trauma specialist and was able to have a back and forth conversation with him. He is the founder/director of Sexual Assault Awareness and travels the country and also is spreading the word on Reddit about the sexual response that boys/girls men/women can and do have when being sexually abused, raped or assaulted. He does conferences and seminars around the country to teach people in law enforcement and educators about the response. I was excited to hear this being talked about.

Somerandomguy, is this one of the many kinds of discussions that need to start happening on the national level and world level to pull us forward to get laws changed and help boys and men feel less shame raising your voices so healing can take place? To have more resources to protect boys and men from abusive women? Do you find this is one of the biggest problem in our society?

 

[somerandomguy]

on Reddit most of the time you don’t know if the person is male or female because of the user name so I was actually leaving a comment and said “I’m a 43 year old female....” I was corrected to say “I’m a 43 year old woman”. By another person. And I was down voted.

Reddit is a toxic place, perhaps because as @lostnconfused stated it is populated by people with limited life experience. I believe your experience. There is an entire subreddit, for example, dedicated to making fun of men who preface their statements with "As a man..." Completely unnecessary and toxic.

He is the founder/director of Sexual Assault Awareness and travels the country and also is spreading the word on Reddit about the sexual response that boys/girls men/women can and do have when being sexually abused, raped or assaulted.

I'll look this guy up. It sounds like he's doing great work. The issue is, unfortunately, that once he finishes his IamA it's over and forgotten, but the toxic Reddit gender wars persist. At least he'll be able to educate a few people though, so I'm not saying it's not worth doing.

Somerandomguy, is this one of the many kinds of discussions that need to start happening on the national level and world level to pull us forward to get laws changed and help boys and men feel less shame raising your voices so healing can take place?

Yes! Absolutely! We need to talk publicly about all aspects of abuse, and unfortunately especially the most unpleasant aspects, if we want people to understand our issues and advocacy.

To have more resources to protect boys and men from abusive women? Do you find this is one of the biggest problem in our society?

Advocating specifically for men and boys is a political minefield. I wish it weren't, but I think as a society we're not ready to see gender neutral advocacy, which is really too bad. I do think advocacy specifically for men and boys has to be done, but it also is going to have to be a larger conversation about patterns of abuse for men/women/other genders to avoid being shut down. We should be having these larger conversations anyway.

As always, this is just my opinion. Other men and other people may have different opinions, and that's okay.

 

[Swift]

Hey, just dropped by to comment on what an awesome thread this is. I'll read it all soon.
Great work @somerandomguy