Supporter Divorcing my spouse of 10 years

[Mawk]

I am divorcing my spouse of 10 years who has suffered from anxiety her whole life and additionally PTSD after combat related death she experienced in an explosion in 2010. It never got better and I realized that I was enabling the symptoms to get worse and often to the point where she would slam her face into mine warning me that I was the reason she would commit suicide. It got much worse than that too. I kept in as a codependent and thought if I only just did a little be more it would get better. FALSE. I ended up losing who I was and couldn't even carry on a conversation because I was so stressed out. I filed for divorce after she turned me in to authorities for domestic abuse (false accusation) and involved my work and career in order to "pay attention" to her more seriously. There was no way anyone could "pay more attention". At that point I was managing everything in our life including sole care for our two children, finances, court disability cases (won two) and watching her stay awake for 4 days just to sleep for 9 days after financial ruin and countless infidelities that I "didn't understand" why she "needed" them (constant attention) as she received an enormous amount from me, her children and all her family. That went on for 4 years. It was very abusive from physical, emotional, fiscal and psychological. It was my normal and wasn't until my ostracized siblings (never visited me because of my spouses out of control antics) finally got me to see the light.

My advice to a sufferer: You will be left if you don't face your fears. It's hard, but you have to. Wake up and start today. You suck to be around and your inhibition to WANT to get through your own fear and anxiety is pushing everyone away. Eventually, you will be alone which is your biggest fear. You either do it now, or later. Only difference is that you may have friends and family now but if you forestall, you will be in the same seat without friends and family. It's a choice. And if it were an easy choice, everyone would be doing it and not on this blog. Start by tackling a small fear first. You will feel accomplished and successful and want to tackle another. This fear might be just getting up and making your bed, or even going out to get one small gallon of milk. Do it. Do it now or wallow in you self-made destiny.

 

[Virtues]

How dare you label all sufferers as abusive because you were in an abusive relationship. You're a bigot nothing more. How dare you come into our house and try to push us around. You were stupid to stay in an abusive relationship and you're naive to believe that the "symptoms" are what caused your whore of a wife to act the way she did.

 

[EveHarrington]

You’re throwing all sufferers in the same basket, painting us all with the same paintbrush, which isn’t really fair.

My guess is that your partner has WAY more than PTSD going on, and you’re blaming it on PTSD alone, not even considering the possibility that much of it may simply be that she’s just not a very nice person.

You have no idea what it’s actually like to live with PTSD. Ohhhhh, we just need to face our fears? Thanks for enlightening us! You know so much more than the numerous ptsd experts out there!

*runs off to face fears*

Hurrah! I’m cured! Lol.

But, I’m not surprised. In line with all the literature out there on codependency, codependents like to play the victim. Sigh.

 

[zombycat]

While I wouldn't have put it as bluntly as Florian did, its pretty obvious that you don't have an understanding of PTSD as a whole in the sense that you're obviously projecting your own past experiences with one person onto all of us. That is neither fair, accurate nor helpful. The purpose of this place is to support each other as we work through the pain dealt to us by others, not to point fingers at people you don't even know and demand that they do what you wish your ex had. There is no need to take such an aggressive tone with us, and as you have already seen, we will not be the engine punching bag you vent your anger and betrayal on.

D'oh! *emotional punching bag

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm sorry you were abused by your spouse.
Instead of writing this nonsense you could've gone to the DV part of the forum and relate to some of us, might have been a richer experience.
Take care

 

[Gs172003]

That was a pretty danged hateful post. You have NO idea how any of us act. No idea what our fears our and NO idea what this is like. You know what YOUR wife acted like, what YOUR wife did and what YOUR wife CLAIMED it was like.
Bite me.

 

[ladee]

Whooaa !!! How about some chillin' here !!

First of all, @Mawk, has as much right to come here and vent as the rest of us do.. and it depends on where you are on your own journey as to what you read or understood him to say...

I heard him say, If, as sufferers, we don't tend to our PTSD, and all the crap we do, we are going to end up alone... and maybe, just maybe, we'll have to do our healing alone, if at all... He OWNED what all he did wrong.. and sounded like to me, he knows more about PTSD than she did...

There was no reason at all for name calling and attacking him... again, he has the right to come here and vent just like WE DO... he was saying how he feels and how it turned out... he never said it was all her fault, and he certainly did not attack any of us .... he was talking about sufferers who don't get help... that there is only so much support that can be given until the dam breaks...

Yes, he has options... but so do we, and many many times we do not pick the one that will get us where we want to be... damn... just glad I am not a Supporter... I wouldn't post here for fear of being attacked.. if I dared to have my own hurt and frustration... He's hurt and exhausted. What he might have needed was validation for doing what was right for him and his kids and let her crash and burn...

So, for me, and only my own voice... congratulations for finally leaving... hope it turns out well for you in the long run.. takes courage to come on a place full of people with PTSD and say your side of the story.... sorry you gave all you had, even if you know now it was not helping... but it does say at one time you really loved her and tried to help in the only way you knew how....I give you kudo's for trying..

Don't know if you will even come back and read this.. in a way, I hope you don't.. it will just be validation of how reactive we can be. Hope you and your kids build a good life... and thank you for sticking by her as long as you did...

 

[Gs172003]

Whooaa !!! How about some chillin' here !!

First of all, @Mawk, has as much right to come here and vent...

That is not how that post felt to me. Again he has no idea how any of us act. We are being painted with the same brush as his ex and it's not fair . However, I do apologize for getting so upset.

 

[Virtues]

There was no reason at all for name calling and attacking him

I knew after I posted what I posted that I crossed the line. You want to talk about triggered. This post triggered me. If you want to trigger me, just tell me that all my hard work and dedication to recovery isn't enough, because I find certain things difficult, and I'm afraid to engage in certain activities.

This doesn't make me an attention whore, this doesn't make me a cheat or a liar, this doesn't make me vindictive; I am none of these things, and these things have nothing to do with PTSD symptoms. I'm not patting my own back but I am a kind, loving, generous, forgiving, father and husband who is full of grace and mercy and love, and to HELL with anyone who will put me in another category just because I have a diagnosis.

@ladee I respect your opinion (always have) and there is no doubt in my mind that I was in the wrong in my post, but what's said is said I can't take it back. I am, however, not upset about getting upset, just upset about how I reacted to it.

 

[ladee]

And your reply shows the man that I respect and admire from what I know of you here... But he didn't say anything to those of us who ARE working our asses off to become the people we want to be... you are not who he was talking to or about.... but I have tons of respect for anyone who can have their say, and then rethink it... I do appreciate you @Florian7051. You have ALWAYS owned it when things need to be different, and you take what ever action required to make that happen...

No, you are not an attention whore... but you do take pride in your accomplishments and that teaches us to do the same... Thank you .... and you know what I mean when I say that !! And happy to hear it is finally ok with you to get upset... this recovery things covers things we never dreamed of.. and I, like you, don't get upset because I got upset... we are humans first... lessons learned... never easy, but always 'doable'.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m laughing because we’re all being told we are all in the wrong for being upset at being told

“You suck to be around” (direct quote)

Nope, we’re not wrong!

A total noob comes here and tells us we all suck to be around!

Yeah, I think we have a right to be upset.

I mean if any one of us made a post entitled “You suck to be around” then people would rightfully get upset!

I know, I know, she’s putting words in this guys mouth and saying he’s only talking about those of us who aren’t working hard, but nope! Not how I read it, and I’ve read it many times. He’s not just slagging on those who aren’t working hard. He’s slamming us all.

 

[Gs172003]

I’m laughing because ladee is sitting here telling us we are all in the wrong for being upset a...

He said alot that he shouldn't have. I shouldnt have said bite me either.