”she tried to anger me”

[Justmehere]

Context: Someone communicated with me about their last girlfriend. They want to date me. (That won’t be happening due to a long list of reasons and concerns beyond the topic of this thread.)

I had asked some questions to get to know him better. I did not communicate anything to him about PTSD or abuse or anything like that for myself.

He said his past relationship ended badly. His ex-girlfriend had been in abusive relationships in the past. He indicated anger and rage had been part of his past, and he had done work on it. Kudos to him.

He explained that the past girlfriend “tried to anger me.” He claimed she could only feel love when men are angry at her. So he felt she was purposefully trying to anger him and it was throwing off his own process of healing. He said they broke up because she wasn’t willing to deal with her abuse history and the risk of her causing him to lose his own healing and rage again was too great.

Here is the kicker: he says things like my father used to say.

It’s it common for people who rage to say the other person was trying purposefully to anger them and that’s the problem? Or is it unusual for me to run into it again and again?

 

[ILoveLife]

It’s it common for people who rage to say the other person was trying purposefully to anger them and that’s the problem?

Yep... Excuse for not dealing as well as he said I suppose.

 

[Sweetleaf]

It’s it common for people who rage to say the other person was trying purposefully to anger them and that’s the problem?

Yes, ugh. It's very common for shitty people in general to just blame others for all of their own faults and problems.

 

[Justmehere]

I’ve been angry. I’ve never thought whatever was angering me was someone trying to purposefully anger me. I recognize internet trolls will do that. But in a dating relationship... I mean... she trolled him to try to get a rise out of him?

I’m all creeped out. She may have been stuck in a rennactment. Needing to anger someone to feel love? That’s not love.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to get my head around...

 

[Friday]

It’s it common for people who rage to say the other person was trying purposefully to anger them and that’s the problem? Or is it unusual for me to run into it again and again?

Super common. Straight out of the abuser’s handbook. Page 1. She’s crazy. Blame shifting. And how it was all her fault.

***

It’s ALSO common for certain personality types -especially youngish women, but some men- to get reeeeeally manipulative, deliberately provoking their boyfriends into fights with other men, provoking jealousy & jealous rages, provoking smallish fights between them & their partner to get presents as “apologies” &/or their partner cancelling plans with others to stay home with them, and a whole helluva lot of other bullshit emotional games. :wtf: I hate these bitches. Of either sex. Being in the military you’re up to your eyeballs in this kind of classless trifling skank. There’s always at least one wife like this (and 1 wife who can’t handle separation :facepalm: but 94% of military wives are totally badass, there just alwaaaaays one!) but the vast majority of these venomous petty c*nts aren’t even girlfriends; but the base bunnies trying to be girlfriends, (they want the uniform, not the man) all turned on by violence, but especially any violence they can create with their drama that makes hem the center of attention.

Less commonly, in my experience/observation you also have

- People like me, who provoke people just to see what they’ll do / where their limits are & how they handle themselves. It’s a trust thing, I don’t trust anyone I haven’t seen a) pissed off & b) pissed off at ME. I know. Not healthy. I only didn’t do this once, though (Inwas trying to be more healthy) and ended up marrying the guy, which was even less healthy.

- Abuse victims turned abuser; they were treated like crap in a previous relationship, so now they treat their partner like crap >>> seen this one both unconsciously and as “perpetual victim”

- f*cked up idea of normal (family of origin stuff) where you’re “supposed” to be making people mad. For a lot of different reasons. One of my least favorites is that if you’re not being mean and cruel to someone, you’re not being “authentic” :rolleyes: Because self richeousness on top of viciousness is <insert antonym for awesome>.

- Straight up crazy (for real), no disorder needed, they’re just effing nuts.

- Various dramatic disorders like BPD or emotionally unregulated like Bipolar or PMDD

- Alcoholics / Addicts & accompanying volatility

- list goes on.

***

Regardless of a ton of personal experience with exceptions to the Abuser Handbook, I view anyone who leads with that information as deeply suspicious. Almost everyone I know has dated at least one crazy psycho bitch... but they don’t walk around waving that flag. Because it’s the exception, not the way they usually handle themselves. So they don’t need to stroke their own ego nor prep their next victim.

 

[ILoveLife]

^^^^ Yep!

I view anyone who leads with that information as deeply suspicious.

Excuses.

 

[blackemerald1]

Oh yes I am ashamed to say I married a man who had to tell me every excruciating bad thing about everyone else in his life. When I told him I didn't want to hear about all that bs anymore....and that was a long time after I had let him run with his 'ordeal' he fell in love with someone else and left. :speechless: :oops:

I guess she and the next several he has 'explained' his failed relationships to have all suffered hearing about my failings etc., lol... There is justice... :rolleyes::singing:

Edited: Good job you are not dating him. It get's very boring listening to that crap.

 

[Mach123]

What's common is for us to attract the same people over and over again. It's so we can keep reliving it. My first trauma therapist said "you don't see the others, they're invisible." She also said this was getting better in large part meaning this would stop. I don't really see it but IDK. I know I'm better. How much better and better at what? I'm not sure. I keep repeating "it's a pathology." It makes sense to me when I say it like that. : )

 

[barefoot]

I think both things can be true.

That, yes, some angry people don’t take responsibility for their own feelings and flip things around to blame others for deliberately provoking their anger.

Also, some people do - either consciously or unconsciously - provoke angry responses from others for whatever reason (it’s all they know; they think that’s how relationships are/how love is expressed; they are reenacting previous relationship dynamics; they are projecting their own anger and then get a heap of it back; they think it's fun to provoke etc etc)

I guess you're not going to know what the deal was with this guy and his ex - whether he's someone who always just blames his anger on others or whether she was in some way provoking him. Maybe that is also a challenge to get your head around...it could be either, so how do we know which it is...?

 

[Gs172003]

I’ve been angry. I’ve never thought whatever was angering me was someone trying to purposefully...

Why did he feel the need to tell you? Didn't you just start this online dating thing?

 

[Justmehere]

I've been trading messages with this one for a few weeks. This guy, he struck me as a possible narcissist at the beginning. Right at the beginning. My spidey senses went off, but I couldn't figure out why. He seemed nice... like too nice. But I think ordinary healthy people are too nice. I set boundaries to communicate at a distance. His messages have been beautifully written. I feel like I've been idealized though, and that makes me feel ill. I asked my therapist about it. Showed him some of what he wrote last week. I told her I think something is off. She said he seems possibly needy, possibly a nice guy, and suggested I ask harder questions.

I asked about past relationships, told him I don't need a detailed history, but what have relationships been like for him? Why is he looking for someone now? I summarized my entire dating history in two super vague sentences.

My therapist said I'd have to be ready to handle being asked hard questions back. Odd thing, he answered, but he never asked more questions about me. He was glad to talk all about him, tell me how amazing and wonderful I am, and leave it at that.

The only relationship he spoke about, and it was at length, was his most recent ex. The woman who tried to make him angry. That's his summary. Her.

I had also asked about other big topics, and had concerning responses to those...

What's sticking in my head is the part that is so much like my father. It's actually creepy. I've been processing trauma at the hands of my father only to go out and find someone very like him. :eek:

I was blamed for provoking my father to violent rage as a kid. I remember being SO stressed out as a kid walking on eggshells with fear and anticipation my father would explode, that in a way, I would just poke the bear instead of waiting for him to suddenly pounce, because then at least I would be ready for it? I don't know. Kids and teenagers test limits because that's what they do as part of growing up. My entire extended family, neighbors, etc, as a kid told me, don't make him angry. That was their sole path to handle the situation. Don't make him angry. I would ask how, and I don't remember anyone spelling it out or walking it through with me. I seemed to make him angry just existing. But it was more than that. I did seek out something. I'm not sure it was the rage, but safety.

I feel tremendous guilt about this.

To read a guy like my father write about how a woman tried to provoke him to get angry... I guess it's stirring up some denial that yes, humans actually can be this way. I feel like a dunce at relationships.

I plan to end the contact because of other concerns that suggest he is a trauma reenactment waiting to happen. But, I have one nagging thought, for someone who had a struggle with anger and worked it through in a healthy way, would they talk about it this way? He admitted his battle with rage and anger, it is very possible she was so much chaos she did try to provoke him, and didn't get treatment.

 

[ILoveLife]

it is very possible she was so much chaos she did try to provoke him, and didn't get treatment.

It's possible, yeah.
But how far are you willing to go with this guy to find out?

other concerns that suggest he is a trauma reenactment waiting to happen

2+2= the right decision