american98
Bronze Member
I just finished my sophomore year in college, going into junior, and am finally accepting that I need to look for external help for what I'm experiencing and that I won't ever be able to heal if I don't tell anyone and keep it bottled up, trying to fix it myself. This experience has completely ruined any attempts I've made at forming healthy relationships, platonic and otherwise, since I forced myself to go through with it, and in the relationship with the one long term significant other/girlfriend I've had since, I didn't think I deserved a relationship and the majority of it was just me telling her I've done an awful thing but not trusting her enough to tell her what it was or let myself actually love her.
Long story short, after my freshman year of college I forced myself to lose my virginity to an escort because I had become consumed by a paranoia that had convinced me that a potential partner would look down on me for being a virgin and not want to engage with me.
This stemmed from the relationship I had with the first and only girl I loved. She had been my best friend since seventh grade and we began to develop a relationship around junior and senior year, but she would always push me away because she was Catholic and didn't want to have sex and was worried I wouldn't want to be with her if I knew that, obviously I never cared. We dated for a while senior year, then she broke up with me Spring Break, once we got to the point in the relationship where she thought I expected her to have sex, I didn't but we weren't good at communicating with each other even though we cared about each other, and deep down I know she loved me too, even if she might deny any feelings today because we were never super public about our relationship. Though I must admit, sometimes the doubt that I'm making up our whole relationship in my head does eat away at my, and in the present she's actively trying to propagate that notion.
But long story short, at the end of senior year in High School, after graduation, she brought me to another room, alone, during the graduation party and told me she didn't want to have sex. I think she expected me to kiss her, but I was a dipshit and after we broke up I got getting more into smoking weed, up to the point where me and my friends decided to do acid. We had done it twice before graduation. I thought I was some enlightened prophet and simply told her I know and hugged her thinking that if I kissed her she'd think I only wanted to have sex with her, I was trying to show her I cared about her as a person.
After graduation we all went to beach week, I didn't want to be there, so did acid everyday, four days in a row, and didn't really actively engage with the festivities. At one point I told her I'd done acid and, whether accurately or not, judged from her reaction that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me because I'd done acid.
This caused me to spiral the rest of the summer, in the month of June I did acid 11 times. Me and my best friend went on a two week roadtrip together where he was the only person I talked to for the entire duration and we tripped together and developed a deep bond, real coming of age story there, to the point I almost convinced myself that I was gay for him because I thought she never cared about me and that he was the only person who ever cared about me. I'd consider him closer than a brother, it almost felt like he was an extension of myself during that time, he had also just broken up with his long term girlfriend, who I was also friends, and she was talking to me a lot about it. I tried to be impartial and not get involved or talk to her too much, but sometimes she would text me about weird/reckless stuff she would do for attention and it low key freaked me out.
All the acid convinced me that there was never anything between me and the girl, so I barely even tried to see her the rest of the summer. My freshman year I lived with one of her best friends, a potentially gay Indian kid, who was also best friends with my best friends ex-girlfriend, and we pledged a fraternity together where one of my other friend's older brother was president.
At one point my best friends ex-girlfriend visited and I tried to be nice to them while they stayed with the person I was living with, but she posted pictures of us on social media together and started a rumor that we had sex to get back at my best friend.
This really hurt in the longterm my relationship with him, and eventually a week before pledging ended I decided I had to drop because I couldn't be trapped with my roommate for four years because he was too close to my ex and my best friend's ex and all I really wanted was some distance from that, but this also had the unintentional side effect of hurting my relationship with my friend who's older brother was president because he thought I dropped because the fraternity didn't have enough parties or wasn't "cool" enough, which wasn't true.
But being forced to live with him for the rest of the year, after he became a brother, caused me to become cut off from the rest of the world because I was constantly surrounded by all my old potential pledge brothers and brothers though they held a disdain and resentment for me, this made it hard for me to develop new relationships freshman year.
After getting back the summer of freshman year, my old ex-girlfriend, who I was still in love with because I had lived with her best friend for a year who was constantly visiting her and talking about her, was in a new relationship where she was having sex and she was constantly throwing jabs at me during the summer about dropping the fraternity and assuming I wasn't having sex and looking down on me for that.
I didn't have sex freshman year because of how things ended between me and her, not only was I consumed by guilt because of what happened but also I didn't trust any potential partners or think they cared about me when they told me they did. Throughout the summer I managed to heal our relationship partially, eventually making her realize that I never cared about sex, but she still just told me it was too late, even if she was nice about it.
This somehow got twisted in my mind to thinking that if she of all people looked down on me for being a virgin all girls would and forcing myself to meticulously plan out sleeping with an escort and actually following through with it. Listening to Mac Miller's The Divine Feminine during the deed, so now whenever I force myself to listen to the album I have flashbacks to the event.
This left me stranded at the beginning of sophomore year, all of my high school friends scattered in the wind, my two closest friends resenting me because of perceived slights, without any infrastructure trying to deal with this new trauma and feeling like this was a secret I had to take to the grave.
Sorry, I didn't think it would be this long, I'll try to wrap it up. I somehow got in a relationship in the fall, mainly because she was the primary instigator, and over Christmas break I kissed my old ex-girlfriend but was too scarred by the experience of having sex with the escort to go any farther, even though she wanted to, and she was weirded out by my reaction.
I tried to have a serious relationship with the girl at college in the spring, but I was never able to openly communicate with her and instead of talking to her about how I felt and what happened, and deep down I wanted still to be with the original girl, I channeled that energy into writing a feature length script about pokémon because that reminded me of my childhood innocence.
In the script the main characters returns after not seeing the person he loved for a long time, darken and changed, eventually revealing his starter pokémon to now be a clone, something a made a methapor for having sex with the escort, both a life threatening mistake, at first the girl rejects him saying she doesn't know him anymore, but eventually accepts him for it and tells him that one mistake doesn't erase a lifetime of good.
That relationship I had with the college girl ended because she thought I didn't actually care about her, she might've thought I was still in love with someone else, and maybe I was or am, I don't know at this point, all I know is that at this point, about to start summer break the only positive I can draw from all this is that at least it made me a good screenwriter, my professor gave me a 99 on my script for the final, unrelated to the pokemon movie but still, under the surface, it was about my relationship between me and the original girl and told me that's the highest grade he's ever given in the class. But I have trouble engaging with society, sleeping, am constantly plagued by negative thoughts and flashbacks to the events and related events, so I don't think it was worth it.
I'm going to abroad to London in the fall, 99% sure I am, and if I do, I can turn everything around then, fix my slipping grades in everything except screenwriting, create new friendships, just move on, but first I have to get in the right mindset before I leave. This is what finally pushed me to look for external help because I feel like as long as I try to fix it myself, whether through writing or whatever, if I don't express the truth of what happened to the real world, I'll feel like I'm living in my own reality separate from everyone else's, unsure whether my reality is real. I hate that I feel like I'm toxic to every relationship I'm apart, whether romantic or not, to the point I'm afraid to start new ones.
I didn't mean for it to go this long, I just wanted to explain myself. TLDR: I forced myself to lose my virginity to an escort and am still haunted by it almost a year later and feel I burned the bridge between me and any of my old friends who would've supported me.
I think this might be PTSD because of the flashbacks I have/trouble sleeping/Avoiding the Mac Miller album because it was what was playing while I was having sex with the escort, and having worst than normal flashbacks when I force myself to listen to it, but I haven't seen anyone to talk or get diagnosed, I'm planning on probably finding a therapist to talk to while I'm home in the summer before I leave for London, but would appreciate any help or insight here.
Long story short, after my freshman year of college I forced myself to lose my virginity to an escort because I had become consumed by a paranoia that had convinced me that a potential partner would look down on me for being a virgin and not want to engage with me.
This stemmed from the relationship I had with the first and only girl I loved. She had been my best friend since seventh grade and we began to develop a relationship around junior and senior year, but she would always push me away because she was Catholic and didn't want to have sex and was worried I wouldn't want to be with her if I knew that, obviously I never cared. We dated for a while senior year, then she broke up with me Spring Break, once we got to the point in the relationship where she thought I expected her to have sex, I didn't but we weren't good at communicating with each other even though we cared about each other, and deep down I know she loved me too, even if she might deny any feelings today because we were never super public about our relationship. Though I must admit, sometimes the doubt that I'm making up our whole relationship in my head does eat away at my, and in the present she's actively trying to propagate that notion.
But long story short, at the end of senior year in High School, after graduation, she brought me to another room, alone, during the graduation party and told me she didn't want to have sex. I think she expected me to kiss her, but I was a dipshit and after we broke up I got getting more into smoking weed, up to the point where me and my friends decided to do acid. We had done it twice before graduation. I thought I was some enlightened prophet and simply told her I know and hugged her thinking that if I kissed her she'd think I only wanted to have sex with her, I was trying to show her I cared about her as a person.
After graduation we all went to beach week, I didn't want to be there, so did acid everyday, four days in a row, and didn't really actively engage with the festivities. At one point I told her I'd done acid and, whether accurately or not, judged from her reaction that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me because I'd done acid.
This caused me to spiral the rest of the summer, in the month of June I did acid 11 times. Me and my best friend went on a two week roadtrip together where he was the only person I talked to for the entire duration and we tripped together and developed a deep bond, real coming of age story there, to the point I almost convinced myself that I was gay for him because I thought she never cared about me and that he was the only person who ever cared about me. I'd consider him closer than a brother, it almost felt like he was an extension of myself during that time, he had also just broken up with his long term girlfriend, who I was also friends, and she was talking to me a lot about it. I tried to be impartial and not get involved or talk to her too much, but sometimes she would text me about weird/reckless stuff she would do for attention and it low key freaked me out.
All the acid convinced me that there was never anything between me and the girl, so I barely even tried to see her the rest of the summer. My freshman year I lived with one of her best friends, a potentially gay Indian kid, who was also best friends with my best friends ex-girlfriend, and we pledged a fraternity together where one of my other friend's older brother was president.
At one point my best friends ex-girlfriend visited and I tried to be nice to them while they stayed with the person I was living with, but she posted pictures of us on social media together and started a rumor that we had sex to get back at my best friend.
This really hurt in the longterm my relationship with him, and eventually a week before pledging ended I decided I had to drop because I couldn't be trapped with my roommate for four years because he was too close to my ex and my best friend's ex and all I really wanted was some distance from that, but this also had the unintentional side effect of hurting my relationship with my friend who's older brother was president because he thought I dropped because the fraternity didn't have enough parties or wasn't "cool" enough, which wasn't true.
But being forced to live with him for the rest of the year, after he became a brother, caused me to become cut off from the rest of the world because I was constantly surrounded by all my old potential pledge brothers and brothers though they held a disdain and resentment for me, this made it hard for me to develop new relationships freshman year.
After getting back the summer of freshman year, my old ex-girlfriend, who I was still in love with because I had lived with her best friend for a year who was constantly visiting her and talking about her, was in a new relationship where she was having sex and she was constantly throwing jabs at me during the summer about dropping the fraternity and assuming I wasn't having sex and looking down on me for that.
I didn't have sex freshman year because of how things ended between me and her, not only was I consumed by guilt because of what happened but also I didn't trust any potential partners or think they cared about me when they told me they did. Throughout the summer I managed to heal our relationship partially, eventually making her realize that I never cared about sex, but she still just told me it was too late, even if she was nice about it.
This somehow got twisted in my mind to thinking that if she of all people looked down on me for being a virgin all girls would and forcing myself to meticulously plan out sleeping with an escort and actually following through with it. Listening to Mac Miller's The Divine Feminine during the deed, so now whenever I force myself to listen to the album I have flashbacks to the event.
This left me stranded at the beginning of sophomore year, all of my high school friends scattered in the wind, my two closest friends resenting me because of perceived slights, without any infrastructure trying to deal with this new trauma and feeling like this was a secret I had to take to the grave.
Sorry, I didn't think it would be this long, I'll try to wrap it up. I somehow got in a relationship in the fall, mainly because she was the primary instigator, and over Christmas break I kissed my old ex-girlfriend but was too scarred by the experience of having sex with the escort to go any farther, even though she wanted to, and she was weirded out by my reaction.
I tried to have a serious relationship with the girl at college in the spring, but I was never able to openly communicate with her and instead of talking to her about how I felt and what happened, and deep down I wanted still to be with the original girl, I channeled that energy into writing a feature length script about pokémon because that reminded me of my childhood innocence.
In the script the main characters returns after not seeing the person he loved for a long time, darken and changed, eventually revealing his starter pokémon to now be a clone, something a made a methapor for having sex with the escort, both a life threatening mistake, at first the girl rejects him saying she doesn't know him anymore, but eventually accepts him for it and tells him that one mistake doesn't erase a lifetime of good.
That relationship I had with the college girl ended because she thought I didn't actually care about her, she might've thought I was still in love with someone else, and maybe I was or am, I don't know at this point, all I know is that at this point, about to start summer break the only positive I can draw from all this is that at least it made me a good screenwriter, my professor gave me a 99 on my script for the final, unrelated to the pokemon movie but still, under the surface, it was about my relationship between me and the original girl and told me that's the highest grade he's ever given in the class. But I have trouble engaging with society, sleeping, am constantly plagued by negative thoughts and flashbacks to the events and related events, so I don't think it was worth it.
I'm going to abroad to London in the fall, 99% sure I am, and if I do, I can turn everything around then, fix my slipping grades in everything except screenwriting, create new friendships, just move on, but first I have to get in the right mindset before I leave. This is what finally pushed me to look for external help because I feel like as long as I try to fix it myself, whether through writing or whatever, if I don't express the truth of what happened to the real world, I'll feel like I'm living in my own reality separate from everyone else's, unsure whether my reality is real. I hate that I feel like I'm toxic to every relationship I'm apart, whether romantic or not, to the point I'm afraid to start new ones.
I didn't mean for it to go this long, I just wanted to explain myself. TLDR: I forced myself to lose my virginity to an escort and am still haunted by it almost a year later and feel I burned the bridge between me and any of my old friends who would've supported me.
I think this might be PTSD because of the flashbacks I have/trouble sleeping/Avoiding the Mac Miller album because it was what was playing while I was having sex with the escort, and having worst than normal flashbacks when I force myself to listen to it, but I haven't seen anyone to talk or get diagnosed, I'm planning on probably finding a therapist to talk to while I'm home in the summer before I leave for London, but would appreciate any help or insight here.
