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New Here
Hey all. I'm completely new to this type of thing so I apologize if this post is triggering in any type of way, but I'm really looking for some clarity and I feel as though I've exhausted all my other options and need to get some outside input.
To begin with, I want to make extremely clear that I take responsibility for many of the things that happened in this story, and I fully understand that I put myself in a dangerous situation. I have had enough drunk experiences to know for certain that I get extremely flirty and sexual when I drink, and made the decision to get drunk this night anyway. But something does not sit well with me about this night and I can't stop thinking about the possibility that I was sexually assaulted. This occurrence happened almost 3 months ago and I was 18-years-old, so able to legally give consent. The issue is that I was extremely, EXTREMELY drunk.
To give some context, this man is my brother's best friend and roommate who I had met on a number of occasions. There were two prior instances where I was drunk and engaged in sexual acts with this man, but he always refused to have sex with me while I was intoxicated. We had shared some intimacy while I was sober as well, so this was by no means an isolated incident. In fact, prior to this potential assault, this man and I had been "talking" and were on the verge of dating. We had discussed having sex. I had openly admitted to him that I wanted to get my virginity out of the way and had somewhat agreed to sleep with him at some point. Before going to this man's house, I had even texted my friend and nervously told her that I thought I might be losing my virginity that night. However, I mentioned on several occasions to this man that I didn't want to be drunk when I lost my virginity.
On this night, I had been drinking an excessive amount of wine. I had drank several liters in under an hour, and I am a lightweight, so I was gone pretty quickly. I distinctly remember laying on the couch with him at one point and asking him to get me another cup of wine. When he asked why I couldn't get it myself I replied that I was so drunk I didn't think I could walk. That is my last absolutely concrete memory from that night.
I found text messages on my phone later of me texting this man in extremely jumbled words and sentences. I was clearly intoxicated, and he was completely sober. I don't remember going into his bedroom. I don't remember taking off my clothes. I distinctly remember asking him if he had a condom and when he replied that he did not I was uncomfortable but made no move to stop him. I vaguely remember him asking if I was sure about this and I replied with a "yes." The next few hours are a complete blur to me. I remember various positions and a few jumbled conversations we had, but I wasn't really reciprocating anything. I was just kind of laying there. I remember my limbs kind of felt like lead, and he was definitely holding me up at certain points because I couldn't hold my own weight.
But I don't remember a single moment in the night where I put up any kind of a fight or asked him to stop. He was not forcing me to do anything. I do not think he had cruel intentions. I wanted it. I was willing. But I was also extremely intoxicated. I remember feeling numb. I remember my vision was blurry and the room looked hazy and I couldn't focus my eyes on anything. I don't know if I could have gotten him to stop if I wanted to, but I also didn't try.
When we discussed this night the next day, the man told me that I was acting like a completely different person. He mentioned things that I have absolutely no recollection of, such as knocking over furniture, yelling, crying, etc. He even admitted jokingly later how he barely knew me sober because he was so used to seeing me completely trashed.
So here is my question- does it count as sexual assault just because I was drunk? I don't necessarily regret sleeping with this man, but I regret how it happened. But again, I know that regretting sex doesn't mean it was rape. But that night replays in my head all the time. I don't remember so much of it. All I have are disjointed and hazy memories with no idea how things started or how they ended. I didn't say no but technically I wasn't in a position to give consent either, even though I did. Obviously he SHOULD have waited until I was sober...but is it rape just because he didn't?
All I know is that I have gone through that night over and over in my mind every day since it occurred, and that I blame myself for it and for not putting up a fight. I would appreciate any and all input on this because I really don't know what to think. I take responsibility for making bad choices and getting myself into that situation, but there's still a part of me that feels like I was not completely in control of what happened and the man is somewhat at fault.
To begin with, I want to make extremely clear that I take responsibility for many of the things that happened in this story, and I fully understand that I put myself in a dangerous situation. I have had enough drunk experiences to know for certain that I get extremely flirty and sexual when I drink, and made the decision to get drunk this night anyway. But something does not sit well with me about this night and I can't stop thinking about the possibility that I was sexually assaulted. This occurrence happened almost 3 months ago and I was 18-years-old, so able to legally give consent. The issue is that I was extremely, EXTREMELY drunk.
To give some context, this man is my brother's best friend and roommate who I had met on a number of occasions. There were two prior instances where I was drunk and engaged in sexual acts with this man, but he always refused to have sex with me while I was intoxicated. We had shared some intimacy while I was sober as well, so this was by no means an isolated incident. In fact, prior to this potential assault, this man and I had been "talking" and were on the verge of dating. We had discussed having sex. I had openly admitted to him that I wanted to get my virginity out of the way and had somewhat agreed to sleep with him at some point. Before going to this man's house, I had even texted my friend and nervously told her that I thought I might be losing my virginity that night. However, I mentioned on several occasions to this man that I didn't want to be drunk when I lost my virginity.
On this night, I had been drinking an excessive amount of wine. I had drank several liters in under an hour, and I am a lightweight, so I was gone pretty quickly. I distinctly remember laying on the couch with him at one point and asking him to get me another cup of wine. When he asked why I couldn't get it myself I replied that I was so drunk I didn't think I could walk. That is my last absolutely concrete memory from that night.
I found text messages on my phone later of me texting this man in extremely jumbled words and sentences. I was clearly intoxicated, and he was completely sober. I don't remember going into his bedroom. I don't remember taking off my clothes. I distinctly remember asking him if he had a condom and when he replied that he did not I was uncomfortable but made no move to stop him. I vaguely remember him asking if I was sure about this and I replied with a "yes." The next few hours are a complete blur to me. I remember various positions and a few jumbled conversations we had, but I wasn't really reciprocating anything. I was just kind of laying there. I remember my limbs kind of felt like lead, and he was definitely holding me up at certain points because I couldn't hold my own weight.
But I don't remember a single moment in the night where I put up any kind of a fight or asked him to stop. He was not forcing me to do anything. I do not think he had cruel intentions. I wanted it. I was willing. But I was also extremely intoxicated. I remember feeling numb. I remember my vision was blurry and the room looked hazy and I couldn't focus my eyes on anything. I don't know if I could have gotten him to stop if I wanted to, but I also didn't try.
When we discussed this night the next day, the man told me that I was acting like a completely different person. He mentioned things that I have absolutely no recollection of, such as knocking over furniture, yelling, crying, etc. He even admitted jokingly later how he barely knew me sober because he was so used to seeing me completely trashed.
So here is my question- does it count as sexual assault just because I was drunk? I don't necessarily regret sleeping with this man, but I regret how it happened. But again, I know that regretting sex doesn't mean it was rape. But that night replays in my head all the time. I don't remember so much of it. All I have are disjointed and hazy memories with no idea how things started or how they ended. I didn't say no but technically I wasn't in a position to give consent either, even though I did. Obviously he SHOULD have waited until I was sober...but is it rape just because he didn't?
All I know is that I have gone through that night over and over in my mind every day since it occurred, and that I blame myself for it and for not putting up a fight. I would appreciate any and all input on this because I really don't know what to think. I take responsibility for making bad choices and getting myself into that situation, but there's still a part of me that feels like I was not completely in control of what happened and the man is somewhat at fault.
