Relationship Emotional abuse...

[Catlady4]

My boyfriend has PTSD, he hasn’t seen a therapist for it...
He’s been emotionally abusive on and off through our relationship...
He will suddenly get angry and say hurtful things and if I try to breakup with him he’ll get hysterical and then start gaslighting me...
I was really scared of him for a while and told him he was being emotionally abusive (which he denied)... talking to him about it didn’t work. Eventually, about a year ago, I posted something on Facebook about it in a round about way, saying how I was scared but not saying that it was him, but he knew and asked me about it and apologized and he got a bit better since then... sometimes he’s able to control it and I can tell he’s angry but he’s trying really hard not to take it out on me or he’ll calmly tell he needs to leave or get off the phone or something and I can tell it means he can’t take anymore and needs space so I’m just glad when he can convey that to me before it goes out of hand, but I’m still worried that I’m staying in a potentially dangerous relationship... I feel bad for him because I know he’s still suffering from PTSD and he lives with his mom who keeps triggering him, but I don’t know if things will really get better...

 

[Sweetpea76]

When you say emotional abuse do you mean lashing out verbally?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I feel bad for him because I know he’s still suffering from PTSD and he lives with his mom who keeps triggering him

Sufferer here and coming from someone that was emotionally abusive (lashing out that was anxiety filled and anxiety drive, hyper arrousal so now seen as a PTSD symptom by my therapist for those reasons) who lived with (or they lived with me) my dad and step mom who would intentionally trigger me plus my dad is part of my trauma thus he alone is a trigger. PTSD isn't an excuse to emotionally abuse someone. We are responsible for our behaviors and controling our behaviors so that you do not abuse those around you. Even though my dad & step mom were huge triggers, that's on me to manage. Sufferers must manage their own triggers. Nothing excuses abusing others.

he hasn’t seen a therapist for it...

Biggest issue. Why is he not in treatment? Untreated PTSD can run wild out of control like wild fires. He is also responsible to get himself in treatment. Are you ok dealing with being abused the remainder of your life? He needs treatment. You likely need your own treatment. You also can benefit from couples counseling. And you need clear strict boundries.

My few cents.

 

[Freida]

Neither of you will get better without treatment. And treatment sucks. So you have to make real decisions
He has to decide if having a relationship with you is worth doing the work to save it
You have to decide if being the receiver of his abuse is worth it to have a relationship with him
You can't fix him. That's the biggest mistake I see from supporters. They think if they just love us more, take better care of us, be more patient with us, we will change. We won't. It takes therapy and a lot of gut wrenching horrible work to change
He has to make the choice to do the work
You have to make the choice to stay with him if he refuses

I wish I could be more supportive and say happier things. But ptsd is a monster that takes over everyone's lives. Even when both people are doing the RIGHT work to try to live with it. Trying to do it without help? ....problematic.

 

[Catlady4]

When you say emotional abuse do you mean lashing out verbally?

Yes. I don’t know if it could have been that he was already having a panic attack or something and I didn’t realize what was going on and would insist on him calling me or talking about things that maybe have stressed him out. Sometimes it was an ongoing situation that I guess he was stressing about and he would kind of bring it up but then seem really angry or upset and it would turn into an argument... I thought he was always starting arguments but Idk now. It ended up getting worse from the arguments to where it seems like he resents me sometimes

 

[Catlady4]

Sufferer here and coming from someone that was emotionally abusive (lashing out that was anxi...

He had no clue about the PTSD. I realized he had it because my mom was diagnosed with it, they had some similar symptoms, and similar upbringing. I was going to try and move him in with me once I get my own place so he wouldn’t be around the trauma all the time like he is now, and since he can’t afford counseling (partly because his mom has forced him to quit his job), I figured my insurance would probably cover couples counseling so it would help both of us and be affordable... but he’s overseas with his family so there’s very little that I can do to help right now. I’m just worried it could backfire once I get him here.

 

[Catlady4]

Neither of you will get better without treatment. And treatment sucks. So you have to make real decisio...

I don’t know if there are even good therapist near where he lives, or how much it costs, but I don’t think he can afford it (he’s overseas rn). He went to a dr once but I don’t know what he told the dr or if they were even a specialist but they just told him he was selfish and didn’t diagnose him with anything, so part of me is worried I’d be talking him into seeing a quack. Once he’s over here I think it would be easier to get him help and keep his crazy mom away from him... I could get couples counseling on my insurance, but I’m just worried things would backfire once he’s over here...

 

[joeylittle]

He had no clue about the PTSD. I realized he had it because my mom was diagnosed with it, they had some similar symptoms, and similar upbringing.

Yeah - no, that’s not really how it works.

I do understand feeling like you get it because you’ve lived with it - but you’ve only spent 3 months total with your bf in person...it seems like a real leap to be doing a mental health assessment.

He went to a dr once but I don’t know what he told the dr or if they were even a specialist but they just told him he was selfish and didn’t diagnose him with anything,

Told him he was selfish sounds like what he ‘heard’ them say and how he relayed it to you. Is that possible?

 

[blackemerald1]

Sufferer here....

keep his crazy mom away from him

Your suggestion that his mother is triggering him and therefore he abuses you is a big concern. You are excusing his abusive behaviour whether it stems from PTSD or anything else including his mother.

How realistic is it to try and isolate him from his mother?

I’m just worried things would backfire once he’s over here...

That is a big worry. If he is not taking responsibility for his abuse now. Imagine what it will be like when he is residing with you and he is dependant on you. I'd really suggest you have another think about this.

'Outing' him on fb for abusive behaviour is not really going to address his behaviour long term is it?

 

[Catlady4]

Yeah - no, that’s not really how it works.

I do understand feeling like you get it because you...

Aside from those 3 months in person, we’ve had over 2 years of talking on the phone and texting. I’ve heard about his past, and I’ve heard his mental breakdowns and had him call me in the middle of the night sobbing because of nightmares about his dad beating him or something. He has a hard time working because the stress causes him to get physically ill, which is he same as my moms PTSD. If I cants tell from over 2 years of communicating with him, there’s no way anyone on here can know anything about anyone based off of what they post on here. Sorry but I find what you said about that absolutely rediculous.

And yes as for what the doctor, it’s simply what he relayed to me.

 

[Catlady4]

Sufferer here....


Your suggestion that his mother is triggering him and therefore he abuses you...

He doesn’t take it out on me because of her, but she ends up making him withdraw and have panic attacks. I think my inability to understand and trying to force him out of his withdrawals caused a majority of the arguments we’ve had. I don’t want to isolate his mother from him, he can go see her or talk to her or whatever but I want to get him out of that household so he can start to have peace of mind. That wouldn’t be isolating her. The way she’s treating him is uncalled for. My mom went through physical abuse from my grandmother as a kid and continued emotional abuse from her until she was an adult and it wasn’t until she could move away from her that she started to recover from her PTSD.

That wasn’t my plan to get through to him, but trying to find an outlet but he seemed to sort of understand how it was effecting me and worked on it for me at that point. That was a year ago and things have gotten better for the most part.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m a little concerned you are trying to move a man you already fear into your home.

You have also describe in other threads staying up all hours and going to great lengths to diagnose him with PTSD and to try to set up things to treat it and resolve it for him.

You mention that your mother had PTSD and I wonder if you might be trying to work out unresolved issues with her by trying to fix things with a man you believe has PTSD who scares you. Was your mother emotionally abusive as well?

Have you considered counseling for you to sort things out a little more?