Relationship Pointing blame

[JM318]

My vet and I are on bad terms at the moment, we agreed to give space for the next few days. I told him we need to avoid breaking up and work through our problems, because we’ve been through this a few times in the past. Stress, more stress, fighting, depression, isolation, breakup, blame, time apart, back together, super happy, life is good, then the cycle starts again. I want to know if pointing blame at the relationship instead of the (other) stressors is an easy way out? I feel like the stressors and our relationship starting to crumble happen simultaneously and if you lined them side by side, they match up perfectly. I’m tired of this and I thought we got it right this time around, but we didn’t. He told me everything else in his life is fine but the relationship makes him unhappy. Then he says really hurtful things where most people would leave and never look back, but I just take it bc I know he doesn’t mean it. Every time he has symptoms it’s the relationships fault.... is this normal?

 

[LuckiLee]

Sadly it is normal. Relationships add stress. Have you read the PTSD stress cup yet? It explains alot!

 

[JM318]

Sadly it is normal. Relationships add stress. Have you read the PTSD stress cup yet? It explains alot!...

Yes, I have.. I guess I’m just tired of this. When we’re good we’re good and when we’re bad, we’re not bad, we’re breaking up. Why can’t we just take some time, be mad, work through things and move on? Why is it always so dramatic... it’s to the point now that after 4 years, I literally had to slap myself in the face because I couldn’t believe this is happening again... like is this real? We’ve literally just gotten through an entire year and we were so happy, we moved in together, then all of a sudden things started happeneing, romance stopped, and now he’s blaming the relationship. The romance stopped because the focus on the relationship ended so that he can focus on whatever else was going on in his life. I don’t want to lose him but I’m tried of the emotional abuse, especially over the last few months, and me taking blame for everything. It’s not fair! I have needs to and mine always get pushed aside. And then once we’re breaking up, then I feel like “oh shit, this is my fault” like I literally believe I’ve done something to cause this. Maybe a little but nothing worth breaking up over. I’m just so tired and confused and of course I have my first nursing clinical all day tomorrow. Always happens at the most inconvenient times.

 

[B0103mcus]

Everything you said is exactly what I have been dealing with. This time its my graduation and party that are being affected. I finally put the kabosh to the cycle. He knows I love him and he knows I'm willing to do what it takes together, but I'm done doing all the work and taking the "hits". It's now been five days of no contact since I put my foot down and he once again blocked my phone number. It is so hard, but every time I am the one to go back. This time he will either want to learn and try to function healthy or I'm going to keep moving. Your clinicals are very important. I was there and it wasnt an easy task. The only time I had reprieve and full focused on my clinicals was when he left for treatment for two months. Another supporter told me to accept that this is the cycle and it will never change I accept him and I accept the unique relationship, but only if it can be remotely healthy.

 

[JM318]

Everything you said is exactly what I have been dealing with. This time its my graduation and part...

I hear you! I’ve initiated no contact as well... for me. I moved out and he has contacted me twice about my mail, and I ignored, I figured it wasn’t all that important (since I pay my bills electronically) and I sent the DMV my change of address. He passed me on his motorcycle and I later found he was dropping my mail off. I wonder if he expected to see me or say something, but you know what? It really doesn’t matter. He knows I love him, and he knows my stance.. I won’t go back unless he’s committed to treatment, and this relationship (not running every time he’s symptomatic)... without that we will always be stuck in this same cycle and I can’t do it anymore. I have lost so much of myself... I turn 30 tomorrow, I just started nursing school and I got a new German Shepherd since it’s been years since my last dog passed. I’m slowly feeling whole again, but I know it’ll always be him... even if we never get back together. That’s how life works I guess.

 

[B0103mcus]

I hear you! I’ve initiated no contact as well... for me. I moved out and he has contacted me twice abou...

We work in the same facility. So of course despite my attempt to avoiding we have run into each other twice. I just act like I didn't see him. I just can't deal with another drama outburst at work and I know he is not in a good place. He has stuff of mine, however, I strictly said to not contact me to return for them. It has always given him a reason to contact prior. I mean business this time. I worked so hard to get him the help while dealing with the untreated PTSD and grad school, work, and single parenting. I will not stay if he is not following the treatment plan and him using me as a doormat. I have no ill will, I love him, but a relationship takes two. I actually uninvited him to my graduation party and ceremony because he was not once supportive or acknowledged how much I was juggling while being supportive of him. It spun off him being distespectful towards me and refusing to dicuss my concerns that he asked me to discuss. It hurts to have done that, but with his current head space I don't want another event soiled and made about him. Today I'm in a funk of wondering why I wasn't good enough for him to have done the same in return.

 

[Mach123]

It's a pattern. I'm sorry, it is very hard I know. : (

 

[JM318]

We work in the same facility. So of course despite my attempt to avoiding we have run into each ot...

Have you ever wondered if the tables were turned if they would’ve advocated for our relationship and stayed to fight for it? I often wonder that. And I know how hard it is to have something that’s a big deal in your life and to not get the support; I feel like mine always ruins or isn’t there for something important.. and then I think.. maybe it’s just uncomfortable for him and he’s protecting himself. It always goes back to... why doesn’t he get help? To make all of these life experiences a little easier to navigate through. I know exactly how you feel. Reach out anytime, you can private message me too.

 

[B0103mcus]

Thank you. I appreciate it. Same here. I actually asked him that a few weeks back... "would you ever stay by my side if I was struggling with mental health or with medical concerns?" He just gave me this blank stare. I said, "Exactly my point. Ive already had one incident where you left me going into emergent surgery alone. So how could I feel secure knowing that." I get the feeling of uncomfortable with going to events, but I've always told him to vocalize it and I reinforce the purpose of exposure to decrease the trigger and leave it at that, but make it known it's something that bothers me because I wouldnt do it to him. Ive always been super patient and understanding, but I've just reached a point where my anxiety is back full force and I'm tired of being lonely and tired of not being cared for also. I'm very uneasy because for me this is probably the end and I tell myself I need to fully grieve. What I'm feeling is like a form of detox. For me I've done a complete 180 on how I handed down this boundary. I know him well enough that he is stubborn as hell and when he is in a thick of an irrational dissacotiating anger episode he will convince himself to watch me walk. It's like all I did was for what? For him to back slide and probably relapse. To find out that I didn't mean enough to fight for.

 

[B0103mcus]

So mine went to inpatient treatment, number six in the nation for PTSD. I was going to walk as soon as I got him in, but we worked through it for two months and when the therapist asked if I wanted to stay with him I made my expectations very clear and he agreed. Whopping six months later and the last two months have been back to hell. Now he doesn't want to do couples therapy again because he doesn't want to be in therapy all the time. He didn't start AA, has not followed up with psychiatry, and I wonder if he is still seeing his individual therapist weekly or she is horrible. Then negate anything I said were my expectations for staying. My one girlfriend left out of all my friends and family, she is also a marine, finally threw her hands up and said leave him because he has already tried sabotaging your new job (which his random showing up at my clinicals for his wallet almost made me fail my last practicum for graduation but was my fault) and he treats you like crap. Her telling me that was insane because they are both marines and have each other's backs and she was so helpful in helping me navigate situations and calming me at times. Urhh ahh. So frustrating and sad.

 

[Friday]

Today I'm in a funk of wondering why I wasn't good enough for him to have done the same in return

When someone is being an asshole? Blame them. Not yourself.

Seriously.

Someone being pissed off ar you? Might be your fault.
Someone not doing something nice for you? Is 100% on them.

You can make people mad at you.
You can’t make people nice at you.

 

[dulcia]

but I just take it bc I know he doesn’t mean it.

How do you know he doesn't mean it?