Relationship Have i been an evil person...?

[Catlady4]

Threatening to leave my boyfriend over issues that now seem to be attributed to his PTSD (withdrawal, sudden anger outbursts, gaming addiction, etc), and almost using it as a way to get him to finally “take me seriously” that it was a problem... breaking up with him shortly before Christmas (over a year ago) and telling him on Christmas eve when he kept trying to get me back that I was going on a date on the day after Christmas... getting back with him a month later just to end up, 8 months later lying and going out with a male I know through work (to fast food, and he took me and my mom out for sushi...) and lying to my boyfriend to hide it.... I never actually cheated but lying and considering dating other guys is just as bad...
I feel like I’ve done so much to hurt him and I kept making excuses that he caused it and that I wasn’t happy but he wouldn’t let me break up with him.... I’ve hurt him so many times and now he can’t trust me and it’s added to everything...
Do I have some mental problem or something?? Even if my boyfriend had anger issues or something this is no excuse, right?

 

[Sweetpea76]

May I ask, how old are you guys and how much time have you spent together in person?

 

[Catlady4]

May I ask, how old are you guys and how much time have you spent together in person?

I’m 20 and he’s 22.
We were together for about 3 months total in person and 2 years it’s been long distance....

He had planned on coming here to visit In February, until I broke up with him that December, and then he spent his savings and told me he didn’t trust me so he didn’t want to come to visit yet... this was about a year and a half ago.

 

[EveHarrington]

He wouldn’t let you break up with him? Was he violent and threatening you? He lives in another country so I’m not understanding how he wouldn’t let you break up with him. I think you’re coming up with excuses for your behavior. Just as we can’t blame ptsd for our behavior, neither can you. You’re able to make your own choices and you chose to engage in hurtful behavior.

 

[Suzetig]

Gaming addiction isn’t a symptom of PTSD.

getting back with him a month later just to end up, 8 months later lying and going out with a male I know through work (to fast food, and he took me and my mom out for sushi...) and lying to my boyfriend to hide it.... I never actually cheated

If you saw someone else while in a relationship with him you did indeed cheat.

I’m wondering what you’re looking for OP, what kind of help or support do you think you need?

 

[joeylittle]

Threatening to leave my boyfriend...and almost using it as a way to get him to finally “take me seriously” that it was a problem.

Manipulative.

getting back with him a month later just to end up, 8 months later lying and going out with a male I know through work...and lying to my boyfriend to hide it

. I never actually cheated but lying and considering dating other guys is just as bad...

Yeah, I’d call this cheating, unless you were just hanging out with the other guy and the relationship was firmly friendship.

Even if my boyfriend had anger issues or something this is no excuse, right?

Correct. Your problems are your own, he’s not the cause of them.

I’m 20 and he’s 22.
We were together for about 3 months total in person and 2 years it’s been long distance....

You we’re together for three months when you were 18? Why are you even trying to make this work?

I don’t think it’s PTSD, particularly. Just a relationship that barely got off the ground.

Why not move on?

 

[Catlady4]

He wouldn’t let you break up with him? Was he violent and threatening you? He lives in another...

Like I said myself, I realized I was making excuses for what I was doing at that time. He would blackmail me so I was concerned.
I couldn’t talk to him about our problems and then I would get threatened when I tried to get out of the relationship so I felt trapped and didn’t care about our relationship anymore at that point. I feel really bad about it now but I feel like I can’t do anything to fix our relationship because he resents me now but still doesn’t want to end the relationship

 

[Catlady4]

Gaming addiction isn’t a symptom of PTSD.



If you saw someone else while in a relationship with him...

Addiction is connected to PTSD. Not particularly gaming addiction.

I’m concerned that I can’t fix the damage I’ve done to our relationship. If he already has trust issues and now resents me for what I did, is it hopeless? This was something I did a year ago but I still feel like I did something unforgivable and I don’t know how to make it up to him...

 

[Catlady4]

Manipulative.

Yeah, I’d call this cheating, unless you were just hanging out with the other guy...

Me and the guy from work were just hanging out and nothing relationship related was discussed, but I feel terrible about lying to my boyfriend and losing his trust.
It was last year but I know he still cants trust me and it’s my fault we didn’t get to see each other last year, but why would you say we should end the relationship when we are both trying to make things work? We were both immature but trying to fix things

 

[somerandomguy]

Addiction is connected to PTSD.

No it isn't.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think that there are a few issues going on here.

The first issue is that you're both young and immature. From your discription you two seem to thrive off of manufactured drama. That's very much a kid thing... it's like a high school couple fighting by the lockers with dramatic scenes. It doesn't make things romantic and exciting, it makes things toxic. I have kids you guys' age and I myself was married around that age. I know that manufactured drama well. It's something people grow out of as they mature. It's being taken over the top here though.

Secondly, you don't know him. You know what he tells you. You're not witnessing, you're getting his accounts of everything. Three months together is not enough time to get to know somebody, and long distance communication is not the same as physically being together. If he is having this much drama with you online or over the phone what do you think would happen if you lived together?

Thirdly, you cannot assume he has PTSD. Self diagnosis is always a bad idea. PTSD is a symptom cluster, and it shares symptoms with many other mental disorders. People are misdiagnosed by professionals all the time. Also, like I said before, you're not there so you're just getting his account of things. You aren't seeing him when he is supposedly having symptoms. You aren't seeing his mother abuse or trigger him. I would full-stop assuming he has PTSD and using that to justify any behaviors that he is having.

Fourthly, you're trying to rescue him and fix everything. That just plain does not work... ever. Never ever ever.

Let's say that he does have PTSD... say that you're correct and all these issues are PTSD related. You want to move a symptomatic, untreated PTSD sufferer across the globe and in with you. He cannot keep a job, and he doesn't speak the language. You already say he is emotionally abusing you and blackmailing you over the phone... that's without you irritating him every day by the way you leave your socks on the floor. Allllllllll of this is going to go over like a lead balloon.

All of this needs a huge, giant set of brakes put on. I'd set a goal... drama free for 6 months. See if you can manage to cut the drama for 6 months in your long distance relationship. Then have him seek a diagnosis, and treatment of needed, where he is at now. If he can't even do that, then there is no way he could handle the move. All the reasons he's giving you as to why he can't get help are just excuses. He's a grown man, he can get help if he wants to. Hold him accountable for himself.

Addiction is connected to PTSD. Not particularly gaming addiction.

I agree with @somerandomguy. It's not "connected" to PTSD. It's a bad coping method some sufferers use.

 

[Suzetig]

Addiction is connected to PTSD. Not particularly gaming addiction.

Cite your source for this please. People with poor mental health develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, that’s a result of repeated poor choices becoming a habit - there’s nothing psychological or neurological that forces someone into any kind of addiction.

Better to say addiction is connected to poor mental health and even then it’s a bit chicken and egg.

I think you’d do well to heed advice to stop assuming he has PTSD. He’s not been diagnosed and you’re not qualified to know what’s actually going on with him.