Depression, how does it affect you?

[Theverytiredgirl]

Depression is weird, it can take so many different forms. For me, it’s like I’m dragging rocks around with me, every where I go, everything I do, it’s like I’m dragging a ten ton brick around with me. I’m listless and uninspired, and what really scares me is that I’ve lost my drive to succeed. I wish for all this pain and struggle to be over, I really feel like not everyone in this world is dealt the same amount of adversity, tradgedy, trauma, pain. I sometimes find myself in a rare moment of jealousy when I see people who look happy and carefree, I don’t like feeling jealous it’s an ugly emotion. Between the fibromyalgia, severe insomnia and ptsd and anxiety I hardly feel human anymore. I feel as though I’ve been cursed to suffer and I’m struggling with finding meaning in life. I don’t know why I’m here, I’m not terribly religious but I grew up Christian, and I find myself talking to god a lot. What is depression like for you? I’m a good listener, and feel free to tell your story.

 

[Briar Rose]

First of all I am sorry that you feel so bad.
And I totally agree with huge parts of your post. For me depression is like a heavyweight on my shoulders pushing me down all the time, everyone seems to walk carefree, and I am here struggling to even get out of bed.
Then Depression is a big ball of ‘nothingness’ for me, like every emotion, the ability to feel is sucked out of me. I lost interest in everything, and everything seems to be so meaningless, l like a zombie, numb and dead…
I don't know who I am any more, totally lost myself somewhere in the dark.
I also experience these moments of jealousy, I can get very angry in those moments, and I am really ashamed to admit this.

 

[intothelight]

It just makes me tired and uninterested in life in general.

 

[Eliza]

For me it's feeling everything and nothing all at once.
Not wanting to go out, but not wanting to miss out and lose friends.
Wanting to be alone, but feeling lonely, even when I'm with people.
Knowing that I have an awesome job, but somehow unable to enjoy it.
Knowing I have brilliant friends, but believing that they secretly hate me.
Feeling physically unwell, but not being able to put my finger on what it is.

 

[Emotional girl]

Sorry to here you are feeling low at the moment and I hope things improve for you soon.
I am in the depth of depression myself at the moment.
I think that there is great misconception in the outside world that people who are depressed are just sad all the time.
For me sadness makes up a small part of my depression.Most of time I just feel completely numb and several times a day I think really really dark thoughts.
I like to push people away who care about me when I am depressed because I want to be alone and because I do not think that I deserve any love or understanding.
I have these conversations going on in my head and none of them are positive,even if I have done something good during the day I will always end with some kind of negative slant on it.
I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

 

[ArmadilloPolarBear]

For me it’s like I never figured out who I am, like not being allowed to, and I’m in my 30’s. A constant struggle day to day, and putting so much energy into just getting through life that I don’t know the meaning of why I am here, and who I am. I have been so afraid of failure that I do not try things. I often do not feel human, and like nothing is real or people are not real. And withdraw from everyone.

I feel confused and like I am missing something really big that I need in my life. Stuck in an endless loop of isolation. Life just doesn’t seem real, like it’s a dream.

I’m not necessarily jealous of happy people who can socialize, it’s like I cannot identify with them, like it doesn’t register in my brain what it’s like to socialize with people. Basically life is a dream that doesn’t make any sense and at times this depression and distress doesn’t concern me, though I’m desperate for relief and miserable, though it’s like I can feel everything and nothing at the same time.

 

[Theverytiredgirl]

First of all I am sorry that you feel so bad.
And I totally agree with huge parts of your post. For...

The zombie thing omg yes. I should have added a question on whether antidepressants make the really depressing times even weirder. Like they make me much less visibly depressed, I function, but I feel dead inside. Thank you for everyone who responded, and I’m sorry you are feeling low, or have experienced this. Hugs

 

[Tinyflame]

I would say alone, removed, isolated even with people, exhausted, dragging, separated, without hope for present or future.

 

[Still Standing]

Depression, ah, yes. The old familiar world of excruciating deep hurt that explodes in the heart. The feeling of choking back a torrent of tears that has no sound. The sense of being left out, lost, faking life. The exhaustion of constant hiding your true self from everyone. Feeling inferior and unimportant. Always tired. Wanting to be alone. And the ultimate escape in life: being a bag lady. Yup! That was once my all-consuming desire of escape. The depth of depression was what I called, "emotional suicide....thus the bag lady solution, escape from reality. It is a deep, black hole, that sucks you down in a spiral of hopelessness.

 

[Tinyflame]

Agree with you @Still Standing , true description. Except fear becoming a bag lady, not relief for me.

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible, I can relate to how you feel. My depression is a pressure feeling all around me. I feel like I'm drowning, though I know I'm not. I keep trying to get air yet, I can never get enough, I feel like I'm in depths of the ocean fighting to fight to get to the top. No matter how hard I try to get to the surface, I'm still deep in the waters suffering, struggling to survive, isolated, confused, full of anxiety, fear and sadness. I write a lot of poetry and I wrote a poem about how my depression made me feel.

 

[Friday]

Depression is a comparatively new thing for me. I never had it when I did what I wanted, when I wanted... I wanted to fight? I fought. I wanted to get laid? I had sex. I wanted to eat? I ate. I wanted to drink/get f*cked up? I wanted to push limits, drive faster, live harder, see more / do more / do nothing? I did that. I was very, very... feral ...for a long time. I was also very functional. Even if my life was chaotic as hell.

The self control needed to NOT lash out at people, places, things? To keep my temper & my libido & my chutzpah in check?

Kicked my legs out from underneath me.

There’s no joy, no rage, no life, no passion, no fire, no... je ne sais quoi. It’s just TheNothing. I can stare at a wall, as if it’s the most interesting thing I’ve ever seen, for hours, days, weeks, months.

It’s worse than being dead inside, because at least then I’ve still got outside I can move around though.

It’s just apathy, and sleep that never rests, and less than nothingness, meaninglessness... and also a damn sight too close to despair for comfort.