Dom Violence Am i responsible for getting my mother safe?

[Strangelongtrip]

Hey everyone, I’ve written a little in my diary about some of the things my dad has done to me (classic narcissistic abuse). He has installed cameras in every room in the house but the bedrooms and bathrooms and has notifications set to his phone when certain doors open at certain times and the cameras are motion activated. So anytime any of us goes anywhere he knows. He also has trackers on our phones (my brother and I want to release our numbers and pay for our own phones but we can’t because there’s over $2000 in unpaid bills on the account). He has his family’s support and they can’t see that he’s an abusive POS.

The other week he physically attacked my brother after my brother called him out because he had stolen money from our bonds (then he lied and said I had said it was okay—I didn’t even know). He’s terrible to my mom and always has been. For example, she went to North Carolina to be with her mom who had breast cancer and be there with her for treatment. Well my mom “didn’t call him enough” so when she got back he screamed at her for three days straight. He read all of her text messages and screamed at her about talking bad about his family.

She came to me in tears multiple times, hundreds throughout my life. She’s been using me for emotional support since I was about 12. She has thought she’s been going crazy multiple times (all three of us have thought this). She’s thought of leaving him and I told her I would help her get an apartment and find a job, she’s complained to me so many times, but always goes back to him.

I saw this abuse cycle and growing up thought it was normal and I got into my own abusive relationship but I got out. My mom has been in this for 29 years.

Now I’m about to move out (which I know will be a whole thing and I’m trying to take every precaution to keep myself safe, I don’t really know what to do so if anyone has advice let me know, to let him know I really don’t want him to be part of the process bc he’ll try to control everything, but I don’t want him to retailiate by cutting off my phone or cutting off my insurance (I’m on expensive meds but I could get them from goodrx pretty cheap) or the worst option is he somehow sabotages my business because a lot of my clients are in my neighborhood). I’ve done ridiculous things before and he’s reacted calmly though (getting a dog, withdrawing from school) but taking an audience away from a narcissist seems dangerous. I’ve moved out to college before but he was paying for it so he was in control.

I’m also worried about my mom and what he’ll do to her. I want to get her help but she won’t go to therapy or anywhere to get help. I don’t know what to do I feel guilty I can’t help her more.

 

[Justmehere]

Direct her to a domestic violence shelter or agency. If she isn’t ready to leave, she isn’t ready. It’s not up to you to keep her safe. That’s beyond your power and control. It actually may be a way for her to escape hard choices and getting professional help by turning to you instead. You can also set boundaries with her and let her know that you need to take space, and you’ll be able to better support her if she also gets help from a therapist, and you can’t do it unless she gets that outside help.

I have had to do the same with a family member myself, nearly ripped my heart out to do it, but it did actually help them make some changes when I pulled away.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[EveHarrington]

I see you making a lot of excuses as to why you can’t get away from your father.

Why are you hooked on keeping your phone number? Getting a new number is easy. Step 1, get new number. Step 2, tell everyone what your new number is. I really don’t understand why people make this out to be so difficult.

 

[scout86]

but I don’t want him to retailiate by cutting off my phone or cutting off my insurance (I’m on expensive meds but I could get them from goodrx pretty cheap) or the worst option is he somehow sabotages my business because a lot of my clients are in my neighborhood)

What's more important, the phone or your freedom? My 2 cents worth is that, most of the time, you can't have it both ways with that kind of person. You're either independent of them or they own you. Sometimes it's hard to make it without them, for awhile. It gets better. Personally, I think it's worth what it costs.

Your mother sounds like an adult who's got the capacity to make her own choices. You can support and encourage, but she's not your responsibility and you can't make her choices for her. Maybe that sounds harsh, but you can't rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued. You CAN show her that there's the potential for life out there.

 

[FragileGlass]

In a professional capacity, I have dealt with this head banger way too often, it’s up to the victim to reach their max capacity. No one can do anything or intervene until provable criminal activity has taken place and even then it’s still up to the victim to pursue charges and in a lot of cases they don’t.

I know you love your mom, but you have to save yourself and stabilize first before you can be of assistance to anyone. It may take some tough choices against your father. Police complaints, restraining orders if he continues to overstep your personal safety etc....... i know you’ll be worried about the fall out that your mom may face in doing so. Again, you come first and you gotta save you. Your mom is an adult that does have a choice. She needs to make it.

Does your mom have financial capacity to care for herself? Her own income that is not tied to your father?

 

[Suzetig]

You’ve built a business before so if he sabotages that the worst you’ll need to do is start again. Your phone etc are inconvenient more than anything. I wouldn’t be telling him you don’t want him to have anything to do with you moving out - I would just move. Once and for all get out.

Try to build some savings so that you’ve got a financial cushion if (when) he pulls your phone and insurance - or better still, cancel them yourself so that he doesn’t have that to hold over you. Besides, if he’s tracking your phone surely it would make more sense to ditch it?

You’re either an independent adult or you’re not. If he’s as controlling as you say he is, you will need to have nothing that ties you financially to him because he’ll use it to keep control. And if you’re finding it hard to contemplate cutting those ties, think how hard it must be for your mum who loves him (and possibly still does) has children with him and who is reliant on him.

I agree with others, get out of there and sort yourself out - give your mum and model to show it can be done.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

What's more important, the phone or your freedom? My 2 cents worth is that, most of the time, you can't...

That’s very true. I can pay for my own phone anyways. Plus I have iPhone so all of my contacts would switch over even if I changed numbers. The thing about the business is that it’s the only way I can be independent right now. But my clients are really loyal to me and don’t really like him anyways so I don’t think I’d actually have a problem. I feel like showing my mom I can make it will help her.

In a professional capacity, I have dealt with this head banger way too often, it’s up to the vic...

My mom has no bank accounts of her own, no credit of her own, and my dad won’t let her get a job. I have no idea how she’d do it to be honest but she could find a way I think and I could help her.

 

[Suzetig]

The best way to help her is to be fully independent and standing on your own two feet, so that if/when she is ready you can show her how it’s done. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

 

[shimmerz]

so if anyone has advice let me know,

If there is a women's shelter or outreach nearby then I would suggest hooking up with them so they can help you build a safety plan.

I left a situation with 3 little kids back in the day. Now, two of my three kids are trapped in it. It is heartbreaking to watch.

but I don’t want him to retailiate by cutting off my phone or cutting off my insurance

This thought patterning needs to go if you truly want independence. You can't have it both ways with this type. Anything - and I mean anything - that you allow yourself to rely on from him - will be used by him maximally to dis-empower you. I am going to suggest that before you give anyone a heads up that independence is your plan, make sure you have replaced and can carry financially anything that you rely on from him. Make sure you are hooked up with an agency who understands what is happening to you and plan carefully and secretly.

After that. No contact is best. Which is difficult when you are concerned about your mother, but honestly, in this type of family, currency is recognized by each player that safety comes in outing the 'big mouth' in the family. And they most likely will throw you under the bus to get in good favours with your father. One thing is for certain with these types. A good victim is hard to come by and when one leaves, all eyes will be on the ones that haven't escaped.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you all so much! Sorry I'm having a hard time responding to everyone. For my phone I do worry because I have ads up with my phone number for my business that are 5 year ads and are locked in, but I can work around it for everything I'll find a way. It'd be nice to be completely independent. Thank god for GoodRx, they have all my prescriptions for under $100 a month, so even if I get off insurance I'll be covered until next year when I can apply to it again and get my own. And I have about two or three months left until I move out, so I have time to save up a good amount of money so I'm safe. I talked to my mom some more and she's really excited that I can get out and get safe and be in a less toxic environment. I should never have doubted her: she's very strong and can handle anything.

I have my mom's family that's supportive and I'm learning to get to know them after my dad isolated us from them for a decade. We used to be so close, now I rarely see them. I love them a lot and they love me and they live nearby. I'm excited to be around them more.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I see you making a lot of excuses as to why you can’t get away from your father.

Why are you...

I'm concerned about it because of my ads that are up and running throughout the county have my current number on them. I can't change them, they're in newsletters that only go out every year or so. They've gotten me hundreds of dollars in business. It could cost me new business: my business runs through my phone/email. That's my only source of income. But I do have a website and can put my edited number up. I think it'll end up being okay though.

 

[Suzetig]

I talked to my mom some more and she's really excited that I can get out and get safe and be in a less toxic environment.

I’m glad you have support but I’d suggest caution here - as the time comes closer for you to leave, your mum may get very scared and share your plans with your dad. Not because she would want to betray you but because she’s in a very unsafe, controlling relationship and there’s nothing so threatening as someone leaving the nest - because it’s proves it can be done and reinforces her stuckness.

Keep your plans secret and safe until you actually leave - hard as it is, it’s safer to not talk given just how controlling you’ve said your dad is.