DID Chaos and panic under the surface!

[DissociattedSoup]

Hi,
I am fairly new here, and only recently been diagnosed as a multiple personality due to childhood trauma (Last March). We have been consciously multiple since Nov '16 but different parts of us have been around a lot longer.
At the moment we are awaiting our first trauma therapy having been "discharged" from psychiatry (NHS in North Wales). So we are in a limbo as far as professional help is concerned and only have either our GP (who is next to useless) or A&E.
We have been through 2 episodes of flashbacks. One in January and the other in March. Before each of these episodes we suffered from insomnia, raging headaches and nightmares. It felt like we completely fell apart after each episode. About 3 weeks ago the insomnia and nightmares started again. They are building so much now that it feels as if there is a massive pressure building inside that we are trying to hold back. Other personalities are also making themselves know, in just the last 3 months we have found 3 others in here with us. Our switches between who is in control are "hard" that is they seem sudden awakenings into consciousness. Usually if we were walking and switched we would not miss a stride, now we stumble as the new personality gets established.
It is really scaring me a lot. I have heard "others" talking about ending it all. I dont think that is really anything to worry about but I cant help worrying. I feel so lost and alone, I really am running out of ways to cope with everything. Working on a couple of hours sleep a night is not great but then when I close my eyes I just see hideous things anyway. I know I need to speak to a therapist about this. The NHS just seems content to let us flounder until their system catches up or I do something stupid. I dont know what to do anymore? The visions, or flashbacks? we had the last two times were abhorrent. They reduced us to shaking balls of emotion. I am not strong enough to hold us all together for another one yet.

I have been trying to write this for 3 days now. I really do not know what advice anyone could offer or my reasons for posting. I guess it is just desperation. Our last option. I am not even sure I have got across how impossible it feels at the moment?

Sarah xx

 

[Suzetig]

I don’t think you are strong enough on your own - you need to work as a team on this. Do any of your parts communicate with each other? There’s a great workbook with exercises that can really help in the absence of therapy - it’s called Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation and it’s a skills based book aimed at helping you feel more cooperation between parts as a first step. It’s expensive (but cheaper than private therapy) and definitely worth a look.

In the meantime, try not to feel like it’s solely your job to keep everyone together, try to have an internal conversation- when you have a bumpy transition even saying to yourself “good grief, that was rough” begins to acknowledge the different parts and how hard you’re all finding it.

 

[digger]

we are in a limbo as far as professional help is concerned and only have either our GP (who is next to useless) or A&E.

Could you ask your GP to refer you to the community mental health team in the interim while you are waiting for therapy?

 

[DissociattedSoup]

Thankyou both for your responses.
I have found the workbook you mentioned Suzetig on Amazon and I will see if we can get it (PJ controls the financials, so I will have to get him to look at it). I also am really the only one who is keeping it all together. The "visions" come through our 3 year old, he does not really communicate at all. PJ the other "main" alter is still in denial that any of this trauma or multiplicity is real, despite us being able to communicate?? and 2 doctors telling him that he is multiple! He is also in real denial of the trauma, it never happened to him so in his world it did not exist. The other "adults" are difficult, Peter has only been around about a month and he won't talk to me he calls me stupid and weak. The other adult is just a moody teenager and she does not want to interact and just wants us to leave her alone. Ra is our sort of guiding light? he protects us but again does not communicate (as such, its complicated?) So that's why I feel so helpless.

digger, I am not sure, but I think it was the community mental health team that has just discharged us to go to the trauma therapy team at the local hospital? Actually I just looked at the letter and it was from the Deeside community mental health team, so yes it seems they have discharged us?? How is that even a duty of care. The letter says you have been referred to psychology and they will be in touch soon. In the meantime call your GP if you feel unwell. - I dont want to talk to our GP because last time we had contact with him he made some pretty transphobic comments to PJ about him "thinking he was a girl" - despite this being nothing about trans anything.

Thank you all
Hugs
Sarah x

 

[Esterio]

Hi Soupsarah

I don't have any input for you at this time. I just wanted to welcome you here to a safe place to share and to let you know I am reading your posts.

Peace be safe

 

[digger]

dont want to talk to our GP because last time we had contact with him he made some pretty transphobic comments to PJ about him "thinking he was a girl" - despite this being nothing about trans anything.

Understandable. Are there any other GPs at the practice you can see instead? Or any other GP practices in close enough proximity to you that you might consider changing to? I know changing GPs can be a faff but might be worth considering.

It might also be worth phoning the community mental health people anyway and asking them for suggestions for additional support while you wait for therapy. I know it varies widely across the UK, but as an example, my health authority have a crisis line at least, under the same umbrella of departments as community mental health, that you can call even if you're not currently under there care. The number itself though largely appears to be a secret guarded by dragons until you happen across the right person to let it slip! :rolleyes:

Also maybe worth contacting your local branch of Mind for suggestions of other support that might be available to you. Home | Mind, the mental health charity - help for mental health problems

Oh, and have you come across the PODS website yet? There may be some good resources for you to look at there and I *think* they also have a forum, although I haven't personally accessed that part of the site. Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors | PODS

 

[DissociattedSoup]

@digger
Thanks for your marvellous suggestions.
I actually have the crisis line for the local CMHT it was given to me after my first visit, it is just the letter about the discharge quotes that number if we required a reassessment by them within 3 years. So I suppose I stupidly thought I could ONLY call it if I needed reassessment. I will give it a try in the morning (It is not 24 hour) they can only tell me to go away can't they?
I did get a letter from the trauma team, but it was just a questionnaire that I needed to complete. I handed that in last Tuesday, so with a bit of luck I will get some response from them soon. Its just I know I am heading into something I cant handle and need something or someone to help.
I have been on PODS, it is very good (Not seen the forum though?) and I will look at Mind too.
I have also done a little bit of yoga/meditation and it seems to have grounded me a little for tonight anyway.
Thank you for your help.
Sarah xx

 

[DissociattedSoup]

Just to update.
I called the CMHT helpline today and they re-directed me to "CALL listening line" for North Wales. Its a 24 hour line for anyone with mental or trauma issues in North Wales, its on 0800 132737. (Just in case anyone searches in future).
They were very good and helped a little. I am in a better place a bit now. I had a flashback this morning to an incident that happened when I was 7. There is some more to come, I can just feel it.

That is something I wanted to ask, is this usual that the visions/flashbacks are pre-warned in this way (headaches, insomnia and nightmares)? It does seem to happen to me each and every time. I just cannot find anyone else talking about it. All I can find is people being "triggered" and having these memories?? I really just want them to stop.

Thanks all for your help. You really did help me. <3 especially you digger, thanks.

Sarah xx

 

[Dissociated1]

You might find the Dissociation, Depersonalization & Derealization sub forum helpful:
Dissociation, Depersonalization & Derealization

A good way to get helpful responses is for the post title and first few sentences to be as specific as possible so members. This will allow members scanning through the new threads or hovering over the preview to know if they can contribute without needing to open and read the post.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

visions/flashbacks are pre-warned in this way (headaches, insomnia and nightmares)

Hello @Soupsarah , I've had that except the headaches. I've found only one way to lessen them for me, everyone is different. If I write my stories/novels my memories come through that way and not through the nightmares.

As for lessening memories, I've worked on my PTSD and DID for 29 plus years and it's part of the journey for me. Though I've integrated most of my alters I still have a few stragglers, protectors, who are still here with me.

Memories emerge when I'm ready to deal with what happened. There were times I wanted to shut those memories down and keep them from emerging, but those days are in the past. Currently I welcome whatever comes to me and helps me put together the pieces of my life. I had dissociative amnesia so I didn't recall anything from my early childhood until alters came out and told their story.

 

[DissociattedSoup]

Hi
Thanks both for your insights.
@Dissociated1 : I did actually post this first in the sub-forum you recommended but it was moved quickly to here. I will try and be a bit more concise in future. It did take me a while to write that, and I removed/edited it a lot, so the title may of been a bit obscure after that. I will do better next time!

@Congruency : I am journaling and I have also found that I can sometimes write without being conscious about what I am writing. Some weird stuff is coming out of that. The insomnia and nightmares are getting unbearable though. I am barely functioning at the moment.
:-(
Sarah xx

 

[hithere]

Just to update.
I called the CMHT helpline today and they re-directed me to "CALL listening line" for...

for me there is this type of "pre-warning"--good description of that experience.