Relationship Detachment

[master z]

When it comes to detachment what does it mean with PTSD and recovering addicts? Does detachment mean they are gone forever or just sorting through things?

Want to be clear I am grieving my relationship/ friendship with my sufferer in case they never come back. I am still angry and upset about a lot of things regarding me and her. I am using this board to gain clarity on topics and to change my way how I think about her and the situation.

The main issue with her isn't PTSD it is Codependency. Codependency is why she has done things that have drove me crazy.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you expand on the codependency issues?

I had an ex who was codependent and it fcked me up royally.

 

[master z]

She was codependent with her ex. What I found out codependency is - trauma from childhood that stunts your emotional growth. Attracted to narcissists. They don't have sense of good or bad without someone elses judgement why attracted to narcissist.

Before she met me she had a boyfriend of 10 years who cheated on her, got her addicted to aderall and raped her.She told me that she couldn't live without him and when they broke up she was scared sh......less because she had no idea how to live without him.

When I met her and started relationship was after she had broken up with him and before she went to her treatment center. After she came back from rehab she still allowed him in her life. She would tell me things that would have prevented fights and misunderstandings 6 months earlier.

@EveHarrington what did the codependent do to you? The way it drove me crazy is I had no idea what it was and how she was stuck in time of when childhood trauma happened. So I treated her and epectations of a 29 year old when I should have looked at her as a 7 year old

 

[OrangeJulius]

When it comes to detachment what does it mean with PTSD and recovering addicts? Does detachment mean they are gone forever or just sorting through things?

I don't think we can answer this. I think it depends on the person. In regards to PTSD, detachment is more of a survival instinct than a decision to step away and "sort through things".

Want to be clear I am grieving my relationship/ friendship with my sufferer in case they never come back.

I do not mean to sounds harsh in any way. But it is really difficult for me to grasp this. I know that I would not be able to grieve properly if I had any thoughts of the person "coming back". If this sentence was more like "i am grieving, just looking for clarity of what happened here" that I could understand. But you specifically suggest she might come back. Maybe I am reading too far into it. I don't know. But just be mindful that you may not habe let go as much as you think and it may be stunting you from moving on.

 

[master z]

You may have read to far but my fault for the verbiage and structure.

Whether she comes back or not I need to grieve what could have been. If she comes back and still angry with her it will fail. If she doesn't come back and still angry with her I won't be able to move on. Why I need to grieve because I need to accept my hurt feelings

 

[EveHarrington]

She was looking to you to fix her? To be her savior? Her white knight?

My ex was a fixer, he had a history of codependency where he tried to fix his partners.

 

[master z]

She was looking to you to fix her? To be her savior? Her white knight?

My ex was a fixer, he ha...

No wouldn't say that.

About mine

 

[EveHarrington]

Well that’s what codependency is. One person who tries to fix another. Another person who looks to be rescued.

 

[master z]

Well that’s what codependency is. One person who tries to fix another. Another person who looks...

She was looking to be rescused / fixed by the narcissistic.

With me in ways she was looking to be saved but was learning independce so wasn't as noticeable

 

[EveHarrington]

Ok I understand now.

 

[master z]

So I am dealing with the recovering addict which has been frustrating

 

[EveHarrington]

I really don’t think it’s possible to get over someone while holding out hope that they’ll come back.

Been there. Done that. Have the scars to prove it.

I have a friend who got out of a f*cked up relationship about 6 months ago which sent him off the deep end. He hasn’t fully let go of her, saying “maybe in a few years we’ll get together...” I just said oh hail no!! If you get back together with her I will stage a full on intervention. (Yes, it was THAT bad!) What I didn’t say was that I’d walk away from the friendship as I wasn’t about to watch him f*ck up his life again. But I digress. I know that his holding out hope for her was keeping him from moving on. Essentially you can’t have it both ways. Holding out hope by definition means you aren’t moving on.