Dom Violence Why am i so terrified to leave?

[littleoc]

Telling more people may be helpful (I’m assuming you trust them) — having support and understanding during this time is very important :hug:

You’re doing amazing work! I’m very impressed with your bravery. Keep it up!

 

[SameBoat]

Hey guys
Quick update, I’m flying out of California tomorrow to go to Ohio where my aunt said I could stay with her until it’s time to go work for my dad. That still hinges on a couple things in his business but if it works out it’s going to be a great short term gig and I think I will learn a lot from my dad in that time. He thinks I’m going to want to stay, but I doubt it. I’m sure I’ll like it and probably be good at it but I like hunting and fireworks and public land so I’ll probably come back to the states. That’s all a ways off though, As much as it feels good to be gone the other part of me just wants to go home and get in my bed and hug everybody. So I’m trying to stay away and just keep putting one foot in front of the other in any direction that is not back towards him. No matter how small the step just try and make it through that moment or day or week and DONT make any plans that would lead me back to where I don’t want to go..
easier said than done but you guys were right my family has been so supportive and helpful
One question that I’m curious how you guys deal with, when explaining that I broke up with my guy of 10 years people always ask why I would give it up after so long. I don’t want to talk bad about him and if I give a vague answers of it wasn’t working out or we didn’t get along or he didn’t respect me, then it’s like people judge me for walking out and giving up on this relationship and they start lecturing me about working it out.

Other than that things are going well hopefully continue to I feel pretty happy right now

 

[ILoveLife]

Glad you have a place to stay and definitely happy your family is supportive :)

it’s like people judge me for walking out and giving up on this relationship and they start lecturing me about working it out

You really don't owe anyone explanations. But if you want to say anything, you can say you tried but in the end it wasn't the right relationship for you. It's none of their business anyway right?

Happy for you :) :hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @SameBoat - I am so glad you have let us know how you are getting along. It's great to hear you are doing well and are ok.

Your decision's appear very sound and healthy. You are correct - every step you make in finding a new future without abuse being a feature in it, is a great future. Never doubt that!

I think going to work for your father is a positive step. He may believe that you will find some permanency working with him and he may be correct. It doesn't matter right now. It is a job which will enable you to be independent. That is a great start.

If you decide along the way that you can leap frog to a better job or one you would rather have then you make that decision then. I'd suggest you wait until you are stabilised financially and emotionally and then plan your next move. It is entirely up to you but try not to jump hurdles before you have got to them. :)

The future is yours now. It may be difficult and stressful and I can certainly understand your feelings (they are completely normal). However when you get some distance and perspective on your last relationship I am hoping you will see that it was toxic and the abuse you were subjected to was never going to be a healthy life for you. Nobody deserves abuse. Ever!!

I'm relieved for you that your family have been supportive. Half the battle is knowing you have a safe haven. Peace of mind is priceless.

part of me just wants to go home and get in my bed and hug everybody.

Understandable...you want normalcy (even if it was horrible).

I think you are very lovable and your prospects are huge. Your career, ability to succeed, your ambitions - in time you will almost certainly find a partner who can hug you back and never make you worry or feel unsafe around them. Nothing beats success @SameBoat :singing: :)

You can make your own home and fill it with love and understanding and maybe even your own children...I'm not sure if that is on your list? It will take a while but when you are ready I am sure you will enjoy having a relationship with a person who is not abusive. It's called a healthy relationship with someone who has the ability to care, value and love you. So please take hugs from me for now if you accept. :hug:

when explaining that I broke up with my guy of 10 years people always ask why I would give it up after so long.

So..except for professional therapy...don't tell people anything you do not feel comfortable telling. If it's family and you trust them sure tell them what went down. It is important to have someone to vent and talk to about the relationship (but only to safe people)

Try not to keep bringing it into new friendships and situations. You know why you left. Your family support's your decision. You will not get anyone who has any real notion of DV suggesting you should go back and try and work it all out. :eek:

then it’s like people judge me for walking out and giving up on this relationship and they start lecturing me about working it out.

I think it is important to not think of this relationship as a failure on your part. The reasons why you terminate any relationship are private and nobody has a right to judge you...nobody! They are your reasons. You do not have to justify to anyone why you ended the relationship. You are not a failure @SameBoat - in fact quite the reverse. You are a success.:)

Yes 10 years is a long time. However there are many people around who have spent a life time trying to safely exit a DV relationship. Not all of them get out alive unfortunately. Those that do make it out alive...almost all regret not leaving after the first threat. But that is the bitch hindsight is hey?

Lots of people think they know all about DV and have their own opinions of what it looks like, what it feels like etc. (Usually from something horrible they have seen on the news..) But they don't know the constant gut wrenching pain and anxiety of living in a abusive relationship. They have no idea. So they are never going to be good judges of what you lived. It is entirely out of their scope of experience. You have to ignore and forgive their ignorance and not take their advice to heart. Or, better still just don't tell them anything at all and don't bring it up. Remember this is your life, your privacy and you don't need to justify leaving any relationship.

I agree with you..you do not have to say anything bad about your ex partner because that is just dredging it all into your present. You are no longer with him and you do not have to justify why. (Keep discussions like this for therapeutic purposes).

If it is someone who knew you were in a long term relationship and has any sensitivity in them...they will not blunder into being judgemental or asking stupid questions about why you are no longer in that relationship and you are not obligated to tell them if they do. imho.

Avoid the voyeuristic tendencies other's like to indulge in and focus on what you are doing right now or plan to do. If that isn't 'interesting enough' then disengage or make something up that you like the sound of. Example:- I wanted an opportunity to work with my father, work overseas, travel, get a tan...:wacky: Why do you want to know...??? :stop: Be private with your private life.

feel pretty happy right now

I'm very pleased you are feeling happy right now.

Please keep us posted about your travels.

Again, wonderful to hear of your plans for your future.:hug:

Go well,
b1

 

[LanaD]

Hey guys
Quick update, I’m flying out of California tomorrow to go to Ohio where my aunt said I cou...

If anyone asks why you broke up you can just say that the relationship ran its course, that it was mutual, or some such neutral thing, and if people insist just say there's nothing to talk about and maybe ask them a really personal question to make them uncomfortable ;)

 

[littleoc]

Very happy for you, and very proud of you.

Nothing helpful to say from me, but I wanted you to know that I'm impressed

 

[SameBoat]

Hey guys I’m still on Ohio at my aunts, it’s going pretty well and even though I still wanted to go back, yesterday he made the switch from begging me to come back to telling me that he’s messaging my friends and going to bars and meeting awesome women which makes it MUCH easier to want to never go back. I should just keep him blocked but for some reason I still keep texting occasionally.
I would really like to get in to therapy but right now I’m way out in the country and I won’t even be here that long so I don’t want to find a therapist here and if would be tough to get there anyway. Has anyone heard of or experienced online therapy? I would like to not have to start over brand new every time I move as it takes a long time to explain the situation and it looks like I will be moving around quite a bit.

Also, my cousin in California told me that things are getting violent/physical from her dude and so I’m trying to give her advice/encourage her but I feel like a hypocrite because I stayed for so long. Doing the best I can though and sharing the resources that helped me get this far

 

[littleoc]

Has anyone heard of or experienced online therapy?

I tried once, when I was a child, but I remember being dissatisfied... I think though it was a bad circumstance for me. But it was through a program like Skype. She was in another state. I have no idea how to search for that again, but I hope letting you know that it was a thing could be helpful. Maybe someone would be willing to work with you?

but I feel like a hypocrite because I stayed for so long.

You're not a hypocrite. You took a time to learn -- as we all do. Maybe you can help her speed up the process to realizing that this isn't worth staying for.

 

[Happyplace76]

Hey guys I’m still on Ohio at my aunts, it’s going pretty well and even though I still wanted to g...

Glad it's going better than you expected @SameBoat. I'm in Ohio and there are therapists in the more rural areas (not sure what part you're in) but you can check out Psychology Today - there's a ton and you can check their credentials, what they specialize in, services, etc... I wish I didn't have Medicaid, I'd love to find a therapist that JUST does trauma and DV (New person through shelter hasn't returned my calls, she's new) and I bet you can.

The texting... normal did the same thing. Feeling like a hypocrite - would you feel like a hypocrite if you didn't pull your foot out of the fire, but warned the next person? Of course not - I came across a quote the other day by Rick Warren : " In God's garden of grace, even broken trees bear fruit". I like to take that even in our darkest moments, we can always always help another - and that's what you're doing. What good are our struggles if even one person can learn from them or it can help them? So glad to hear you're doing well!

 

[Happyplace76]

Glad it's going better than you expected @SameBoat. I'm in Ohio and there are...

Either Psychology.com or Psychology Today - you can input your zip code and it'll give a list of therapists.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yes I agree with @Happyplace76 and her opinion. ^^^

You really do like to hate yourself don't you @SameBoat !! You would be ideally suited to talk about DV with your cousin bc you have experienced DV and moved out. I'd be worried if you did not support her anyway because she is family. :)

yesterday he made the switch from begging me to come back to telling me that he’s messaging my friends and going to bars and meeting awesome women which

I think it would be a good idea to keep him blocked. He's working through abusive stages because you text him and give him the opportunity to keep at it even if it is over an electronic device.

Also, I have to ask you... what is the reason you keep in touch with him at all? What is the hook/attraction/need for these occasional texts? I'm not asking to be critical... Please have a think about why you feel compelled to do it and what thought process you could adopt to stop it.

It's not healthy imo - you have terminated the relationship and left because of his abusive behaviour and that included ranting and yelling. Now he's trying to what? make you feel jealous, emotionally black-mail you with finding another woman?? :laugh:

Every opportunity you give him to abuse you after you have left and decided you have terminated the relationship is just unnecessary and not really going to be of assistance as you start afresh. Nor is it healthy for him either. End the texting, if he wants to begin a new relationship that is his prerogative and has nothing to do with you. (Poor other woman:wideeyed: )

I know I sound harsh^^ but this isn't a 'friend' you had a difference of opinion with and decided to cool off before working out how to get past it.

This is a abusive ex partner. Massive difference.

Yes you spent/invested a lot of time into this relationship and how did he pay you back? He abused you! Length of relationship does have some meaning for you because you tried so hard to make it all work. You put in so much emotional energy and there is a empty feeling of loss and WTF questions and rationalising and excuses for him or you or what if I had done XYZ differently? Or even was he abusive enough or did I deserve the abuse and finally I need to hear know he misses me just a little.

It's a bit like an addiction. Or perhaps a lot like it. We will bargain because we so want it to not be what it is/was. We really want it all back minus the abuse. Or even we don't want it back but miss so many of the 'good moments'.

May be you don't have all those thoughts. I am guessing of course...

It's not true to say that every woman that leaves a DV situation instantly hates their partner and never fantasises about returning. The statistics bear this out - a lot of women do return...though of course some return for economic and other reasons. Whatever the reason it has never been out of a desire to be further abused even though that is what happens. In fact the abuse escalates.The situation becomes even worse and women and children are damaged further. It only stops when a party (usually the woman) ends up dead or leaves the relationship and terminates all contact.

Some women don't harbour any ideas about returning because they know they missed death by seconds and are just glad to be away and find safety such a relief. Even then there is a huge amount of 'processing' the dynamics of the relationship before they can heal and move on.

Some don't because the abuse is a slow and painful burn they know they should not have to deal with - but fantasise about it all changing somehow.

There is a lot of 'processing' and grief. But the electronic messaging is just giving him an opportunity to write hurtful things. I'm sure you feel hurt. Don't let him hurt you anymore. Take that away from him SameBoat...

******************
Regarding using Skype to access a therapist. Yes it works well and I have used it for many years because I have wanted to keep the same therapist but have moved many, many times. Continuity of something such as therapy was very, very important to me because everything changed around me or I changed locations too often. Also I had the tyranny of distance to deal with and no therapist even remotely near me. There are other reason but they were the main ones.

Now apparently, it is considered quite normal and helpful for those that reside far from help. I'd say you have to find the therapist and establish all the normal things that need to be agreed about but ask first if they do consults via Skype.

Completely doable and I have done it.:)

It's a lot different in some ways because you are not meeting person to person. But in other ways it's just the same. It would be an ideal option for you because even when you move overseas you can still Skype and keep the therapy going.

Sameboat I hope my ideas have helped. I do think therapy would be a good idea. Keep in touch with your cousin...it's a long haul doing it on your own but finding someone who is going through it...might give you some perspectives on your own situation and how far you have actually come. You would be amazed at how much you have learned without knowing it.

:hug:
b1

 

[DharmaGirl]

but I feel like a hypocrite because I stayed for so long

You stayed as long as you had to. First he had to groom you to the point where you felt you deserved what he dished out, were ashamed, and felt you couldn't make it in the world. Sorry if I am projecting. It seems many of us keep texting, or stay, or go back because we want the chance to make it right. If only we tried harder, acted perfectly, weighed the right amount, wore the perfect clothes, kept a perfect house, and cooked like a chef, it would work out and he would only show you his good side. That is where his power is. Your power is in what you are doing. Staying away, helping others. You are a powerful person for leaving! I can't stress this enough. You did it! When you feel bad about yourself, keep coming back to how powerful you are by having left.

For me, I believed I was undeserving and creepy, since he said I was creepy. I'm not creepy. I carried this for 15 years before I learned in a domestic violence course in my nursing program that they convince you that you are creepy, or stupid, or ugly, or fat. Mine asked me if I had gained a pound once. Really? How would you notice? The point is that you are none of the things he convinced you you were. You are a human being deserving of good in your life.