- Post starter
- #937
mumstheword
VIP Member
No, that's my ex's opinion of himself. My T thinks he's a sociopath.
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life
- Post starter mumstheword
- Start date
- Post starter
- #938
mumstheword
VIP Member
Ex
Exactly. I feel good when I get to spend time with them. :-)
- Post starter
- #939
mumstheword
VIP Member
I don't know the answer to all those questions but I'll be sure to report any findings or illumination regarding this most broken part.
Of course I can't speak for any one else but I wonder a lot about this part and I've already done things like soul retrieval, I'm a bit scared to open up to this part, as it's sorrow and hopelessness are very confronting and possibly boundless, although that sounds silly when I put it like that.
I think I must be healing to have it come to the light of my consciousness, though.
Love to you, my much-respected-and-highly-regarded-friend @Freida :hug:
ladee
VIP Member
Mums, I totally get the 'mama thing', that part of our heart that never ever detaches from our kids.. My son did not have anything near what your kids have suffered. And yet, things went way haywire about a year ago... But.. he is also a grown man, in years if not in all the ways that count..
We never stop being connected to their lives, even if , as how turned out with my son, we have no contact. And that was because I finally realized I had to protect myself , from my own son. Your kids want to be with mama, and thru it all, they knew you loved them, regardless of what you had to do to save yourself...
You are one of the moms that inspire me to be a much better mom, even if we never see each other again... my own healing, will help us both. In the sense that I have let go, and left the end result to something bigger than both of us...
Guess I'm just trying to say, your love for your children, is felt by them from the core of their being.. it is apparent, because as soon as they can, they come back to you. Your love for your children has jumped off the pages here , every time you speak of them... and a mama heart, well, it's just that, if we love our kids... when I read that another of yours comes 'home' or gets in contact with you, it gives me so much hope about my own situation...
Not just in 'mothering', but in healing on this journey, what all you have endured, the love for your kids, I never hear self pity, I hear sadness, and pure joy when one of your kids come around, or make huge progress in school...and I hear lots of hope in your own journey.. and it has been unbelievably hard.. and here you are... makes me smile when I think of 'Mums'....
Just very proud of you... and happy you are getting a 'do over' in your living situation... so very happy for you....sending lots of hugs and respect... no matter what, you put one foot in front of the other... :hug::hug:
We never stop being connected to their lives, even if , as how turned out with my son, we have no contact. And that was because I finally realized I had to protect myself , from my own son. Your kids want to be with mama, and thru it all, they knew you loved them, regardless of what you had to do to save yourself...
You are one of the moms that inspire me to be a much better mom, even if we never see each other again... my own healing, will help us both. In the sense that I have let go, and left the end result to something bigger than both of us...
Guess I'm just trying to say, your love for your children, is felt by them from the core of their being.. it is apparent, because as soon as they can, they come back to you. Your love for your children has jumped off the pages here , every time you speak of them... and a mama heart, well, it's just that, if we love our kids... when I read that another of yours comes 'home' or gets in contact with you, it gives me so much hope about my own situation...
Not just in 'mothering', but in healing on this journey, what all you have endured, the love for your kids, I never hear self pity, I hear sadness, and pure joy when one of your kids come around, or make huge progress in school...and I hear lots of hope in your own journey.. and it has been unbelievably hard.. and here you are... makes me smile when I think of 'Mums'....
Just very proud of you... and happy you are getting a 'do over' in your living situation... so very happy for you....sending lots of hugs and respect... no matter what, you put one foot in front of the other... :hug::hug:
Swift
Diamond Member
So proud of you mums.
That your ex thinks that about himself is .... enlightening.
God, what a wanker!
Dangerous bloody narcissistic crazy man.
"Enlightened." "Heroic." "Beyond reproach."
What the actual f*ck?
That your ex thinks that about himself is .... enlightening.
God, what a wanker!
Dangerous bloody narcissistic crazy man.
"Enlightened." "Heroic." "Beyond reproach."
What the actual f*ck?
littleoc
VIP Member
You’ve been through so much that shouldn’t have been allowed to happen, and are still going through so much shit.
I’m amazed at not only your sense of survival, but your sense of just being a good person. You don’t know what it’s like to have a good mother, but you sure as hell don’t let that stop you from doing your f*cking best at it. Even though it hurts, a lot.
Just wanted you to know. I wish I had something great to say to help you more, but that’ll have to do <3
I’m amazed at not only your sense of survival, but your sense of just being a good person. You don’t know what it’s like to have a good mother, but you sure as hell don’t let that stop you from doing your f*cking best at it. Even though it hurts, a lot.
Just wanted you to know. I wish I had something great to say to help you more, but that’ll have to do <3
- Post starter
- #943
mumstheword
VIP Member
Love you @littleoc . You often cheer me up, just your presence makes me feel better.
My mum texted me just now. My "grandma passed away this pm".
I haven't texted back. I'm drinking organic red wine coz I don't know how to respond.
I only ever met my "grandma" once, wasn't allowed to call her grandma, had to call her by her first name. My mum wouldn't let my kids call her grandma either. Non of my kids feel comfortable with, or particularly like my mother.
I don't know how to talk to someone I have never really had a "relationship" with, because she never really treated me like a person that she saw or acknowledged, about another person I had no relationship with.
I think my mother is frightened of me, but it s not me, it's her own fear and refusal to be real or respectful to me, she can't treat people as people, she's too mired in her own toxic mindset. Especially me, I've known her so long, I'm I don't know what I am ... a source of shame? Someone she wished took better care of her? A crazy nuisance? A witness and recipient of her abuse and mental illness she wishes didn't exist? A source of pain and guilt? A disappointment, I know that.
Just having her address me has me eaten up with excessive guilt, shame, uncertainty and not knowing what to do or how to respond, so I'm drinking. Not too excessively, but still, not good.
Last edited:
Swift
Diamond Member
Argh I need a bloody drink after reading about your mum.
I don't know whether to say I'm sorry about your grandma passing or not.
So, I'm sorry she's gone and I'm sorry your mum's a dickhead.
I'm sorry you're upset.
I think my mum is uncomfortable with my issues because they remind her that she screwed up something she could have done a good job at - I'm a walking, talking reminder of how badly she stuffed up.
In particular she hates my SH scars, and is always at me to cover them up because "the neighbours will talk" and "people will think I'm crazy"''
What that really means is, she's afraid people will think she stuffed up, and she can't...
She can't believe the self-serving BS she tells herself if I'm standing right there being me, the person I am and the things that have happened to me.
She can't maintain the Official Fiction she's built, that she's a kind, loving, sensitive, intelligent person and a good mother; because what happened to me wouldn't have happened if that was the truth.
That translates into uncomfortability, frightened, stuff.
It's not you, mums. It's her shit.
Sending hugs.
I don't know whether to say I'm sorry about your grandma passing or not.
So, I'm sorry she's gone and I'm sorry your mum's a dickhead.
I'm sorry you're upset.
I think my mum is uncomfortable with my issues because they remind her that she screwed up something she could have done a good job at - I'm a walking, talking reminder of how badly she stuffed up.
In particular she hates my SH scars, and is always at me to cover them up because "the neighbours will talk" and "people will think I'm crazy"''
What that really means is, she's afraid people will think she stuffed up, and she can't...
She can't believe the self-serving BS she tells herself if I'm standing right there being me, the person I am and the things that have happened to me.
She can't maintain the Official Fiction she's built, that she's a kind, loving, sensitive, intelligent person and a good mother; because what happened to me wouldn't have happened if that was the truth.
That translates into uncomfortability, frightened, stuff.
It's not you, mums. It's her shit.
Sending hugs.
- Post starter
- #945
mumstheword
VIP Member
Yep, I think something similar is going on with mine.
She once said "I wouldn't be a nice person, if it wasn't for my grandma" her mum's mum was a kind and loving carer, so mum tells me, she died when I was two, I think I met her, when I was seven, in ghost form, but that's another story. I remember being shocked that she thought she was a nice person and envious that she had a loving mother-figure in her life, even if it wasn't her mum, instead she had a loving, live-in grandmother.
Why couldn't she treat me kindly, if she had had someone kindly to take care of her?
What I hate about having to talk to my mum is having to be fake, and pretend everything is fine, which I can't do anymore, or feel like an arsehole, because I don't
Last edited:
- Post starter
- #946
mumstheword
VIP Member
...and can't pretend everything is fine. It's really, really scary trying to approach my mum about anything that needs addressing, because she's just horrible, flat out lies to my face and denies stuff or is bitchy, hostile, vitriolic and knows how to hurt me, so it's been years since I've bothered to try to have a real conversation with her. I'm just not up for opening myself up to more emotional abuse.
It might be 31 years since she's physically attacked me, but I still don't feel safe around her.
So what do I do? How do I respond to somebody who has never treated me in a non-harmful way?
Who I really want nothing at all to do with?
Her mother, who, I guess, from what she had told me, taught her how to be an abusive arseholes to her child/children, has just died. I feel absolutely nothing about my grandmother passing and I just want my mother to leave me alone, or better still, become a real and decent human person towards her oldest daughter. Like that's going to happen.
It feels like a threat to me, just her talking to me.
Should I block her, I wonder?
It might be 31 years since she's physically attacked me, but I still don't feel safe around her.
So what do I do? How do I respond to somebody who has never treated me in a non-harmful way?
Who I really want nothing at all to do with?
Her mother, who, I guess, from what she had told me, taught her how to be an abusive arseholes to her child/children, has just died. I feel absolutely nothing about my grandmother passing and I just want my mother to leave me alone, or better still, become a real and decent human person towards her oldest daughter. Like that's going to happen.
It feels like a threat to me, just her talking to me.
Should I block her, I wonder?
Last edited:
- Post starter
- #947
mumstheword
VIP Member
So I'm feeling like an actual and complete piece of shit. A figurative walking pit of garbage.
I can't even respond to my mother texting me that my grandmother has just died.
What kind of a person does that? That's pathetic.
Talking to my mother feels life-threateningly dangerous.
I think, today, that I am a horrible person.
I'm not horrible to people that aren't horrible to me. I never am, I get mortified if I hurt other's feelings, and I try very hard not to dump stuff or treat people shabbily, if I get triggered or am in a shitty mood or hurting, if I do, I own It, I apologize and I am mortified at myself, but I don't like being manipulated or lied to. That's my boundary, treat me respectfully and everything's cool. I am sensitive, I like to do things that bring a little more love and kindness and beauty and pleasure into the world, but I'm tired of being bullied, taken advantage of, being talked down to and treated with contempt, being shamed and undermined.
I don't even think I'm horrible to people that are horrible to me, not really, I'd rather avoid them than have a confrontation, because I've learned to avoid unreasonable people. Two people, especially, taught me that, with some people, you will always lose, be stepped on and treated as if you are nothing. You are only as good as you can make them look and
people can be so unkind, so callous and cruel, so dishonest and just destructive. I detest being unkind, or being accused of being horrible just for asking others to be accountable and respectful and responsible in any manner. My mum taught me that is a dangerous thing to dare to want or ask for, though. So, seeing as she won't treat me or mine kindly or honestly or respectfully, I just can't deal.
I don't like dodgy, hateful and spiteful people who have no respect. I trust that so very little.
I've really, really overdosed on that kind of treatment. Now I'm allergic. Triggery, very painful.... So that makes me a terrible daughter to my mother. I don't trust her, it hurts me to have anything to do with her. I managed for 44 years to do my best to be in relationship with her.That's was after I tried to get far, far away from her, thousands of kilometres North and over the ocean, when I was 16, but she moved up here, followed me up when I was 21. I loved my stepfather but he's dead now.
She's just someone I can't handle being around and it makes me feel very, very bad and guilty and wrong.
I didn't get therapy this week. My trauma T was sick and my sexual assault T is still away.
My relationship with my mum is one of my big top-of-the-list issues to take into therapy.
I think it is me that is in the wrong. I'm just a sick, crazy, horrible daughter. Shame shame shame on me.
Not sure how to deal with this. It feels bad.
I'm sorry Ma, I'm a bad daughter. Please don't hurt me anymore. Just leave me in peace. I've had enough.
I can't even respond to my mother texting me that my grandmother has just died.
What kind of a person does that? That's pathetic.
Talking to my mother feels life-threateningly dangerous.
I think, today, that I am a horrible person.
I'm not horrible to people that aren't horrible to me. I never am, I get mortified if I hurt other's feelings, and I try very hard not to dump stuff or treat people shabbily, if I get triggered or am in a shitty mood or hurting, if I do, I own It, I apologize and I am mortified at myself, but I don't like being manipulated or lied to. That's my boundary, treat me respectfully and everything's cool. I am sensitive, I like to do things that bring a little more love and kindness and beauty and pleasure into the world, but I'm tired of being bullied, taken advantage of, being talked down to and treated with contempt, being shamed and undermined.
I don't even think I'm horrible to people that are horrible to me, not really, I'd rather avoid them than have a confrontation, because I've learned to avoid unreasonable people. Two people, especially, taught me that, with some people, you will always lose, be stepped on and treated as if you are nothing. You are only as good as you can make them look and
people can be so unkind, so callous and cruel, so dishonest and just destructive. I detest being unkind, or being accused of being horrible just for asking others to be accountable and respectful and responsible in any manner. My mum taught me that is a dangerous thing to dare to want or ask for, though. So, seeing as she won't treat me or mine kindly or honestly or respectfully, I just can't deal.
I don't like dodgy, hateful and spiteful people who have no respect. I trust that so very little.
I've really, really overdosed on that kind of treatment. Now I'm allergic. Triggery, very painful.... So that makes me a terrible daughter to my mother. I don't trust her, it hurts me to have anything to do with her. I managed for 44 years to do my best to be in relationship with her.That's was after I tried to get far, far away from her, thousands of kilometres North and over the ocean, when I was 16, but she moved up here, followed me up when I was 21. I loved my stepfather but he's dead now.
She's just someone I can't handle being around and it makes me feel very, very bad and guilty and wrong.
I didn't get therapy this week. My trauma T was sick and my sexual assault T is still away.
My relationship with my mum is one of my big top-of-the-list issues to take into therapy.
I think it is me that is in the wrong. I'm just a sick, crazy, horrible daughter. Shame shame shame on me.
Not sure how to deal with this. It feels bad.
I'm sorry Ma, I'm a bad daughter. Please don't hurt me anymore. Just leave me in peace. I've had enough.
Last edited:
ILoveLife
VIP Member
:hug: You're the furthest from a horrible person possible.
You're not a bad daughter either. For the shit done to you, I dare to say you're extremely good at still maintaining her close and that's a sign of respect, not being a horrible person.
Lots of love to you mums. :hug:
You're not a bad daughter either. For the shit done to you, I dare to say you're extremely good at still maintaining her close and that's a sign of respect, not being a horrible person.
Lots of love to you mums. :hug:
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
Latest posts
-
-
-
-
had a dream i was cutting myself again and it felt good
- Latest: Seraphine fatal
-
