Childhood False memories that i lived by, please help.

[Serendipity26]

I know how confusing it is not to be believed. Like you, my family, all of them, seem to be invested in...

The main reason that I would want the memories to be true is because they were so real and it felt like i had experienced them plus all the anxiety and panic attacks that I had later in my life in similar events. When i was first told that they never happened i felt relief and a surge of confidence. I was happier in my body and no longer hated the world. I had been angry for the last 4 years of my life at my parents and all the just anger left-- it was great, but then i wanted to know how i possibly could have created so many false things in my head. It made me feel like a nutcase. If they were real then I'd feel less insane, but after realizing how common false memories it would be nice to just give them up. There's no explanation for how i felt later in life now and no reason for my anxiety or p.a. except for maybe higher empathy for people. Movies and tv with that in it would make my heart rate speed and I'd leave the film or even avoid it if I predicted what would happen beforehand. Most people don't react to things the way i do in situations like that whether they went through it or not...or maybe they do and we're all just great at hiding it. At this point I'm going to take my parents word for it as it has increased my confidence and self-esteem; however if it does turn out to be real I can say that I wasn't surprised.

 

[blackemerald1]

I have extremely early childhood memories. So much so that I asked my parents about a couple of things I thought I remembered. They were very surprised I could remember. None of my siblings (all close in age) remember.

I also 'pretended' various situations either were or were not happening at home when I was a kid. I felt too embarrassed to be different so it was easier. Do you have any Aunts or Uncles that might offer some insight into your childhood if you believe your siblings are unable or unwilling to recall?

Your parents may be like mine. They smooth over the rough stuff because in this new parenting era they know it is not pc to admit all that stuff. I still love my parents.

I don't think you are crazy. I would explore this with a therapist because that is a lot of anxiety, avoidance and self-doubt happening to go on living with and pretending that you thought up something false. That would make me crazy. You don't have to hate your parents over this.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

At this point I'm going to take my parents word for it

I wanted to believe what my mother told me, that I had a great imagination, i.e.; you're a liar. The only problem for me? I had too many clues and behaviors which told me something horrible happened in my childhood. It took me a long time to trust myself and disregard my mother's words. Plus I had PTSD from age three years old which means I had something traumatic happen to me.

 

[Serendipity26]

I wanted to believe what my mother told me, that I had a great imagination, i.e.; you're a liar. The...

How did you realize that what you believed was true? I can't seem to trust myself over my parents even though i don't think i made the stuff up. Like you there are countless clues. It just sucks that there isn't anything to decipher real vs false memories at this day and age.

I have extremely early childhood memories. So much so that I asked my parents about a couple of th...

I'm thinking of considering therapy now (although it worries me that aparently a therapist has the ability to unintentionally instill false memories and I don't want that). And yes I have a very good memory, so good that alot of other things i remember have been validated so it makes me so confused as to how something that effected me so much all of a sudden never happened. Thank you for your reply also, now I don't feel so alone in what I'm experiencing and it seems like we have the pretending-things-are-great-as-a-kid characteristic in commom.

 

[whiteraven]

I have very specific memories about some things - not all trauma related - and when I ask my mom (and mentioned one or two to my dad when he was alive), they denied it. Or said they never remembered anything like that.

I think my mom is dissociative and literally doesn't remember. I think my dad didn't want to own up to what happened, so he lied (or conveniently forgot).

I have a lot of trouble and expend a lot of energy, worrying that my actual memories are not real. My current therapist said it really doesn't matter. What matters is how I feel about the thoughts and the images and the things I *believe* happened.

 

[NightSky]

I’ll just echo what some others have said: ultimately it doesn’t matter. Although it feels like it matter so much because it’s you life and you want to know. I get that. Like REALLY get it. The last 20+ years I’ve struggled almost daily with an internal debate about whether or not horrible flashbacks I have are real. Unlike you, I do not remember things well. I’m quite dissociative. And have very few memories of my childhood. BUT, similar to you, from the time I was young until now, I am extremely triggered by shows/movies/books/news stories with sexual abuse/rape in them. I am not triggered by other things. I would be able to handle watching things that you say disturb you. But I cannot handle the other stuff. I am also opposite in that when I am able to believe myself, I am relieved. When I don’t, I feel stressed and upset.
Either way, it’s true that you don’t have to hate your parents either way.
I do know that my father was verbally/emotionally abusive which contributed to my CPTSD, but I do not hate him. On the contrary, I love him dearly. I spent a lot of my life being angry and upset because of things he said to me. But he was abused by his father, and he did and still does the best he can. I know he loves me. And I love him. It’s ok to have that kind of relationship.
But you do need to be compassionate with yourself. Get a therapist. Don’t worry about anything being planted. The majority won’t get hung up in details. They’ll help you process how those memories, whether real or not, are impacting you now.