Wondering if i should take a break

[barefoot]

I’m feeling pretty stressed out at the moment. Two main reasons:

1) my business is very slow at the moment. I barely have any work therefore I barely have any money coming in. There are a couple of projects that I thought were going to be happening by now but I’m just in limbo, waiting to hear. I keep nudging but am just getting radio silence at the moment. If both end up happening, it’s all good. If one ends up happening it’ll be either all good or ok (depending on which one happens) If neither ends up happening...well, that’s a very stressful prospect as I don’t have anything else in the pipeline right now and don’t have any ideas for creating new leads at the moment. As I worry more about it, my confidence in either happening is waning.

2) I’ve recently refocused in therapy so we are digging more into trauma. We’ve started dipping a toe in to looking at parts. I haven’t been dissociating in sessions - which is good progress. But, the flip side is that I’m feeling a lot that’s being stirred up. It feels like things are emerging/shifting. It’s hard, but I feel like I’m getting somewhere with some important stuff (now that I can largely keep my head in the room!)

I see my therapist for an hour every fortnight. If my finances were better, I would currently be choosing to go weekly, in order to push on and build momentum.

However, my work/money situation being what it is, I have actually found myself wondering today whether I should take a break from therapy. Again, two reasons:

1) therapy costs me around £250 a month at the moment including travel. I don’t really have that to spare. So, a therapy break would mean not spending that.

2) I’m feeling very stressed and worried about my work/money situation. And I’m not sure that starting from such an anxious state is helping me do the work in sessions. I just seem to be getting doubly stressed - stress (re session content) on top of stress (work/financial).

I don’t actively want to stop going to therapy. At all. I would actually prefer to go more often! Because it feels like things are shifting and I’m making some good progress and I want to keep going.

But my current work/finances situation is making me think that taking a break is the right thing to do. It will save money and remove a couple of stressors.

I suppose my main concerns about taking a break are:

- I have no idea how long the break will be. If I take a break until a work project comes through, that could be days or could be months.
- If it’s a long break, how easy will it be for me to go back and pick up where we left off?
- While I’m on a break, how will I press pause and “contain” where I’ve got to in therapy sessions? Or are there things I can do on my own during the break? Or is that not advisable?
I also feel a bit like it could look like I’m wimping out. That I’m quitting just as we are getting into harder stuff.

I just mentioned all this to my partner who looked really shocked that I was suggesting taking a break. She said that she thought I was feeling good about therapy at the moment and that she doesn’t want me not to go because of money. But...it’s quite a significant factor!

We’re not in dire straits at the moment but I already haven’t been able to pay my share of the bills this month, so she is paying for everything. And she can’t continue to do that for long.

I know none of you know whether I should take a break from therapy or not. Just wondering whether anyone has anything to throw in the mix here? To help me brainstorm or something?

I just feel so incredibly anxious about all of this and don’t know what to do.
I just want to cry :(

 

[Friday]

I’ve been going to therapy once a month -on average- for maybe the last year and a half. This is after taking about a 2 year break, because I couldn’t afford it. Prior to that my T had wanted me there 2-3x a week... couldn’t afford that, either, but I made twice a week happen as often as possible.

This once a month business isn’t actually me working on anything. It’s mostly just keeping my hand in. Touching base with someone to leave the door for therapy open for later when I can actually afford it.

I still go rounds with myself on whether I should quit altogether. I didn’t have any therapy the first time I dealt with this shit, and I was fine. Ish. Not really but I got through. But I also know myself well enough to know that if I did quit again, it would take a major crisis to get me back into any kind of therapy. And the hard thing there, is that it takes me a very long time to find anyone I can work with, at all. I don’t have common problems for the region I live in. Which lands me right in the place I was in 2 years ago... desperately wanting help right now / being out of my depth... taking 6mo to find it, and then it being too late to actually do anything but cleanup, rather than prevention or handling things well.

So it’s frustrating, but the alternative -for me- is worse.

 

[Suzetig]

For me financial struggles are a huge issue, so I’d usually do anything to avoid putting myself under financial stress. And £250 is a lot for therapy given that’s not a weekly session. By comparison I can see mine weekly for £140/month so it would take me longer to get to the “I can’t afford this” point.

But if I did, I would stop becaus the worry about money would undermine anything I was doing in therapy to the point where it would be useless. I know I’d struggle to rely on my partner to cover finances and finding work to keep things ticking over would take all my energy and time.

There are lots of things you could do if you decided to take a break, some really good resources out there and not actively picking at trauma might let your mind settle down a bit and help you see what the day to day impact on your life is when you’re not actively working on it.

I don’t know if you should take a break or not, but it’s a fair question when finances are tight. I hate the way decent mental health care in the U.K. comes down to whether you can afford private treatment or not. It should never be a case of choosing between health care and food for the month.

 

[Sandstone]

Coming out of hiding to say that my gut instinct is that this is the wrong time to stop. Your recent posts suggest that you are working on important things at the moment, and it would be a waste of of the slog that has brought you to this stage. Can you try to see the money as an investment in your future - one that will enable you to be more productive at work as well as more complete?

Given your history, I think it would be a bad idea to ask your T for a discounted rate while money is tough.
What would it feel like to ask your partner to give you the next few months therapy as a birthday/Christmas gift?

 

[barefoot]

This once a month business isn’t actually me working on anything. It’s mostly just keeping my hand in.

Yes, one of my thoughts has been that I can go monthly until work/finances pick up. But, as in your experience, I’ve assumed that would mean not working on anything heavy. Because doing deeper work for an hour a month...I think that would be too long to hold stuff between sessions.

But I also know myself well enough to know that if I did quit again, it would take a major crisis to get me back into any kind of therapy.

Am sort of thinking this too. That, if I take a break of much longer than a month, I’m not sure whether I will go back. Just because I will feel out of it by then and may feel a sort of clunky awkwardness about returning. Not really sure why I think that. But, yeah...I feel a sense of awkwardness somehow about that.

And, you know, if I take a break and I feel good and I don’t feel I actually need to get back into therapy..? Well, that’s a different thing. And that will obviously be good to discover! At the moment though, where I am currently with the work, the thought of stopping for good because my current state is good enough/all I can hope for? That feels dispiriting. I’m not a huge hot mess all the time. But I would like to end up more...whole?...than I currently feel.

So it’s frustrating, but the alternative -for me- is worse.

Yeah, I hear ya...

And £250 is a lot for therapy given that’s not a weekly session. By comparison I can see mine weekly for £140/month

Yes, my T isn’t cheap, plus I have travel costs to central London. That said, I checked out a T who my GP recommended last year - she is based in the small town where I live so I could walk to see her...and her fee was £110. And I know loads of coaches who charge £150-250 per 45 min sessions.

So, yes, she’s not cheap. £140 a month for weekly sessions though?! That’s the biggest bargain ever for 1:1 work!

But if I did, I would stop becaus the worry about money would undermine anything I was doing in therapy to the point where it would be useless.

Yes, this is what I’m thinking...whether I won’t get as much out of the work because I’m already stressed about money. It hasn’t been useless - we’ve dug into some important stuff in recent sessions and I’m not really dysregulated/destabilised by money worries. At the moment. Not sure if that will change the longer this work limbo continues.

I know I’d struggle to rely on my partner to cover finances

It definitely isn’t a long term solution. Firstly, because I wouldn’t feel comfortable being paid for long term. Secondly because it’s not financially viable long term.

For a significant chunk of last year though, I was earning more than she was. So, I guess it all comes out in the wash somehow...

not actively picking at trauma might let your mind settle down a bit and help you see what the day to day impact on your life is when you’re not actively working on it.

The thing is, I feel like we’ve only just started to really pick at it. The last half a dozen sessions or so, we’ve been really refocusing and diving in. So, it feels like we’re just getting started as opposed to feeling like I could do with a break from it.

I hate the way decent mental health care in the U.K. comes down to whether you can afford private treatment or not. It should never be a case of choosing between health care and food for the month.

Yes, that’s something that really bothers me too. Though, fortunately, I am not in a situation of having to choose between food and therapy. Hopefully it won’t come to that!

Thank you for coming out of hiding @Sandstone - I appreciate it!

Your recent posts suggest that you are working on important things at the moment, and it would be a waste of of the slog that has brought you to this stage

Yes, this is the very frustrating part. I do feel like we’re finally able to get stuck into deeper, important stuff and that it’s happening and has been going well and proving useful...it feels very purposeful...so, to stop now...well..the timing stinks!

Can you try to see the money as an investment in your future - one that will enable you to be more productive at work as well as more complete?

Yes, I definitely see it that way. I just feel worried about investing money in it at the moment when my bank account is looking so feeble.

It feels like, I shouldn’t be prioritising therapy, I think?

Given your history, I think it would be a bad idea to ask your T for a discounted rate while money is tough.

Ha! No...I won’t be venturing to ask for a discount after fee-gate!

 

[barefoot]

Finally managed to make contact with one of the of the work project people. It’s the project that will bring me the most work and the most income. Sent her a text this morning and she replied straight away. We have agreed to have a call next week...though haven’t agreed a day or time... :rolleyes:
She said she has a few things to update me on the part of the business I was going to go in and work with, so I don’t know if that means they still need me or that things have now totally changed so they don’t.

So, still no clarity on that one and I’m not 100% confident that the call will happen next week. But it feels good to have got a reply, at least, after weeks of radio silence!

 

[hithere]

if you can manage financially without going completely homeless or without food, my suggestion would be to continue with therapy, and the more frequent the better. I would view the cost of therapy the same way I would view marketing for my business, or continuing ed for my business, or any other business expense. That's because the trauma is a saboteur to real success-at least for me. (I know some people's neurosis is a driver to achieve--mine is the opposite) If you ard delving into parts work, I believe you will quickly resolve some of your issues-and the parts work will work and help you with your business, too. Also, for me, the big breaks or even a two week break from "work" on the trauma really slows it down, really causes me to have to prime the pump again-especially since you say you were so dissociated (my big problem-once parts work started the dissociation really took a step back! all positive) So even though no money coming in is a stressor-it is also a BIG OPPORTUNITY to get some work done without the mind clogging up with business demands. If you can knock some sessions and trauma work out in a 4 sessions very close together-having a break from work so you can go hide lick your wounds while you recover from sessions-- is a real positive in my opinion.

 

[barefoot]

I'm not going to be homeless or without food @hithere
But things will be pretty tight if I don't get some more work soon and my partner is already largely paying my share of things just now.

It is true that therapy ultimately helps my business as it gets me to a better place. So, I do see it as beneficial for both my personal and professional development. I think I am like you in that fear and stress etc tend to disable me - I just get frozen in inaction and then I feel worse about myself, which makes it harder to come out of. Stress is definitely not a motivator for me! So, I am really struggling to come up with any ideas to get me out of this hole because I feel so panicked.

And I agree with you. At the moment, I have lots of time, so it's really frustrating not to be able to up my therapy sessions and blast through while I don't have anything to be disrupted by some heavy work. It does feel like such an opportunity to crack on and dig in.

But I still don't have any work on the horizon or have any ideas about trying to create any new opportunities and I don't feel able to justify spending around £500 a month to go to weekly sessions at a time when I'm earning a very nominal amount. Basically, my partner would have to pay for it at the moment. And that just feels really unfair - 'I don't have any work at the moment, so can you just pay all our bills and we need to tighten our belts on everything and we can't have a summer holiday this year for the first time ever...and, also, can you start paying for me to go to therapy every week?!'

If one of the projects came through as a green light go but wouldn't be starting for a while (but would definitely be starting later!) I would absolutely up my sessions and go weekly now, knowing that I can press on with the work and that the money will definitely be coming in at a later date. But I am still in limbo.

The call I was supposed to have last week...she cancelled it on the day. She's really unwell at the moment and was off work all last week - she's in the middle of a major health scare so she's feeling very scared and anxious as well as ill, in pain and exhausted. So, I get why she wasn't feeling up to the call. But I was so hoping to get clarity either way on whether the project is going ahead and now I still don't have that plus have no idea whether she is going to be well enough to follow up another time or whether she's going to be off for ages or what.

We will be saving a lot of money by not having a summer holiday this year so I guess I could speak to my partner and see if I could maybe do four weekly sessions in a row to power through some stuff...the cost of that would be much, much less than a cost of a holiday. But...I already feel like a selfish arse because I'm the reason we can't have a holiday. So to not have a holiday and then ask her for money to pay for more therapy...I feel like such a selfish waste of space at the moment!

 

[scout86]

I feel like such a selfish waste of space at the moment!

There's a pretty good chance your partner doesn't see you that way though. Maybe your partner would actually see those weekly sessions as a good investment.

Those are hard conversations to have. On the one hand, maybe they'll confirm our worst fears, and then what? On the other hand, maybe they WON'T confirm those fears and what on earth do you do what THAT? :)

 

[barefoot]

@scout86 - yes, she would definitely not describe me as a selfish waste of space. She is always only supportive, encouraging and kind.
I'm very lucky on that front :)

When I mentioned the idea of taking a break to her a few weeks back she looked shocked and said she didn't think it was a good idea and she encouraged me not to do anything about that at the moment.

She doesn't think now is not the time to lose the therapy - partly because I've been saying how we are getting stuck into important stuff (so she thinks it is useful and meaningful) and partly because I think she is worried that I could get more anxious and perhaps depressed with current stressors going on (including the lack of work/money) and I think she hopes therapy may help to prevent a downward spiral. And she knows I am quite attached to my therapist and that I don't want to stop going, so she said that taking a break will be counter-productive if the taking a break itself then also becomes a big stressor.

Knowing her and how she likes to be kind and likes to help, I suspect she would also feel bad (ie guilty) if she said we couldn't afford for me to go.

She has told me not to worry about money and that we'll make therapy work for as long as I want to keep going etc.
But I think that is largely because she is trying to reduce some stress and reassure me and be supportive rather than it realistically being
sustainable for very long. In other words, when we talk about it and she reassures me and encourages me to keep going, I don't know if I can actually trust her reassurances. Because I don't know how much it is just her being nice and wanting to help. I worry that, further down the line, we will end up in a muddle with money because she was trying to help and didn't want to say no to me continuing with therapy.

 

[scout86]

I don't know if I can actually trust her reassurances.

How does she usually handle money?

I ask because I tend to be REALLY conservative. Too many episodes losing a job with nowhere to go, I suppose. But it might also be a type of hypervigilence. My ex-husband was way more willing to spend money. And, most of the time, that was good, because we were investing in our farm, not blowing it on something frivolous. We need a balance, so you might want to consider what kind of job you each do, assessing financial risks.

 

[barefoot]

@scout86 - that's a good point. She is much more of a spender and I am more cautious. Our parents are also the same as us, so we obviously both learnt well!
We have both moved along the spectrum a bit during our years together though - she is less frivolous now than she was years ago and I have loosened up a bit. I guess the key thing is that she is a real believer in "I work too hard to not spend money on nice things and things we'll enjoy". And I am not working hard now. And she really is and has quite a stressful job. So, that's what's really out of balance.