General Is it ptsd or is it himso

[Never_falter2]

Do you sometimes wonder if something your Vet does is ptsd or If is just a reflection of his personality?
For me that can be both good and bad stuff.
For example he became obsessed with physical fitness and I always thinking is his ptsd. He can be quite outdoorsy. Which I really like but I think it is because he does not like stuff like crowds and restsurants so much.
For example he can be very snobby... about nearly everything... not like the guy who boast but like the guy who quietly thinks he is the smartest and wisest of all human beings. For example. A few days ago I was doing a flower arrangement... something he so deeply DOES NOT CARE about at all. Vet comes in and says in a offhand way “well of course you do know, that this flower kills that flower so that this won‘t last, don‘t you, little one?“. Me: “Oh really, how do you know?“. He: “(sacrilegical word). One just knows“ (@Hojay my friend could you help me translate „Ja, verd... (böses Wort *lol*), das weiß man doch einfach“. I struggle to translate this and to me it feels like it does not sound as snobby in English at all). Struts around, sort of inspects the other flower arrangements (like I said a thing he does not care about at all), “Those are better, good job“. This is snobby, it is not just me, is it?
I wanted to make a snarky comment, but then I thought that poor guy has ptsd and so much stress at his job and cannot help it. OTOH I could not help wondering if this is how he explains things the people at his job, one just knows, and if this might be one of the reason why he has stress there. Because civvies do not want to be talked like that. But I did not say it because I did not want to stress him more.

BTW he was totally wrong about the wrong flower killing the other faster, did not happen.

Would you have called him out on that. I know he has much stress and I know that in the German military “(sacriligecal word), One just knows“ is a) very common and b) one of the mildest things they say, while on civvy street it sounds rather snobby. So I ask myself. PTSD? Military culture? Just a guy in need of being told I won‘t be talked like that?
Sometimes I say something, sometimes I snap at him. Sometimes I bite my tongue.
My cousin suggested buying him a “One! Just! Knows!“-Shirt created by the German comedian Ruthe. I might or might not be doing that.

He is often very nice and friendly but he can be very snobby too when he is stressed... and I really do not think it contributes to his success in the workplace.

Actually I wanted to start this as a thread about how to know if something is ptsd or him but that my post about snobbiness grew so long. So I actually have two questions: How do I know if something I like or dislike is being ptsd or if it is being him? And: should I tell him he is a snob sometimes?

 

[EveHarrington]

None of what you describe is PTSD...

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is he being condescending? That's probably more military culture, especially if he had a command position.

Not to say all vets are condescending... but I seem to know quite a few with alpha-male personalities that tend to think they know it all :whistling:

 

[ben1982]

Without communication there won't be improvement. This doesn't mean you'll have to snap back. Reacting with offering him a warmt, peace and relaxation will often have more effect. When he's in a calm state, ask him something. There's a good chance he's unconsciously trying to create some action. I myself have trouble sometimes with nothing dangerous happening. After fighting i feel the world has lost it's volume. It's like hearing music with the volume to low to really enjoy it. So i sometimes get hyper and start doing active things. Like working out and seeking extremes. And it does feel like all normies are blessed with ignorance at times. And it's hard to communicate with them. Or bond with them. Because i can't really talk about the real issues. And in a way i envy them. For not knowing the horrible things i know. Their ignorance about real horror is beautiful and yet annoying to me at the same time. And i constant have the feeling i have to speed things up. Standing still feels rong.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Sweetpea76 Yes, he can be a bit, conscending and know-it-all-ish... and micromanaging me. He can also be very nice friendly and humble.

In our culture there is a stereotype that in the military there is a culture of snobbiness and also a culture of not asking stupid questions (which includes any questions), military folks have been telling me that this stereotype actually has a grain of truth in it and I also know that this way of talking would not be considered unfriendly there. At least I think so....I never served... but on civvy street it might be seen as unfriendly and create tension in the workplace.

I think he does it more when he is stressed. In the last weeks and month he has been doing it a lot and I often really try to bite my tongue but I am thinking about telling him... not when I am angry with him but when we both are relaxed.

 

[Never_falter2]

@ben1982 Thanks for the answer: I see you are relatively new and want to welcome you to this board. Are you a vet? I often hear that the world of civvy street feels sort of unreal and boring for vets.
You know he is feeling down those days, so I do not want to hurt his feelings and bit my tongue and when I discuss it with him I do not want to give him the feeling like he is worthless and useless on civvy street cause I know he already feels like this.

 

[ben1982]

It's not just ptsd we have to deal with for us who have been trained and shaped for combat. We are shaped to be on alert 24/7. And when we are back in civ life. You can't just turn it off. We are also constantly seeking the next obstacle to conquer. The next problem to solve. And the next thing that has to be done. Meanwhile scanning everything in the environment. looking for danger that's surely to come at the most unlikely moment. But in the civ world, nothing ever happens. And it makes us nervous. We feel out of place. Like we don't belong anymore. And everything we have learned and use to be important to us, has lost it's value. Our combat skills don't matter in the civ world. They took our identity and gave us a new one. Coming back we lost our identity again. And creating a new one is hard.

 

[ben1982]

I'm sorry, but i'm not at liberty to tell much about myself. I can only talk about the broader sense. These experiences are well known by many who have been trained for combat duties. And those who have been in combat first hand in particular. We need to relearn that peace and relaxation are good things. And find our new place within the civ world. Luckily u have the most effective tool at hand. Because nothing says peace and relaxation like a partners warmth. It's the best thing about being back. And the only thing that makes sense in the beginning. He needs you more than ever. It's not easy for partners. And you don't have to tolerate everything. But im sure he'll repay your kindness in the long run. Help him now, and you'll have the most loyal partner you can imagine. Slowly, everything slowly. You have to show him it's okay to relax. He has to relearn simple things like that. That it's okay to just do nothing sometimes and just relax. It's a long road. He can't just turn it off. It takes time.

 

[Justmehere]

Would you have called him out on that

Not every battle has to be fought. Not every wrong has to be corrected. Why bother picking a fight over it? Was he critiquing you? If so, that’s a little different. If he is trying to control you, then boundaries would be called for here. But if he’s just wrong on plant life...let it go.

 

[Never_falter2]

@ben1982 It seems that little unusual things give my Vet much stress, actually more stress then big unusual things. An example: I hurt my hand, but not really badly and did not tell him because I did not consider it important. So we had coffee and he was sort of stressed and kept saying something was wrong and he had no idea what... and then he was mega stressed and kept looking everywhere like expecting something bad in one corner of the room... until he said “You poured the coffee differntly than usual“, which was true my hand hurt a bit and the jug was heavy. After he found out he could relax again. It is the small things that stress him, not the big ones. Maybe because they are trained to notice things.

 

[Fadeaway]

Had my hubby translate it. He said the english version would be (translated for effect not word for word translation aka how we would say it in the u.s.) "It should be as plain as the nose on your face, anyone could see it , but you seem to be lacking in common sense."

 

[Never_falter2]

Okay, that is how you say this in English. Thanks... but I have to add “You see to be lacking in common sense“ is not added. It is implied but it is not said.
Nevertheless I think there is the possibility it does not contribute to a good work environment when he says that at work and I want to sit him down and tell him but not in a waythat undermines his selfesteem.

When he did this in the past I sometimes said nothing, sometimes told himi do not like it, sometimes said something ironic and sometimes snapped at him... and I always did so the minute he said it.
It would be to wait for a quiet minute and tell him in all friendliness but I do not want to hurt his feelings.