Self respecting discourse

[ILoveLife]

T said I need to practice self respect, but I'm kinda lost.

I was kinda browsing my diary diagonally and realised what she meant... I put myself down a lot in fluctuations. I notice I'm not the only one, obviously, so I thought a thread about it would make sense.

So how to word self respect?

I mean, it has to come from within but maybe the fake it till you make it approach might help. First the wording it, then the thinking it, then actually believing it.

Things I noticed are mostly based on the self blame belief or the undeserving/not worthy belief, which I believe are connected.

There are things I don't flat out say anymore, like call myself names outloud in a demeaning way. I used to say them whenever I felt guilty of something. Stupid, crazy, etc.
I still feel it, though.. but not as much.

But I realised I go around it, say those things in different ways, like I have to prove others I'm actually those things. Maybe I am...lol I don't know, but I should respect myself more regardless.

So, how do you word self respect?

 

[The Albatross]

I had a post about this a very long time ago. Can't find it. Good topic and my therapist nailed me with that as well. Changing the dialogue and word choices I was habitually using was tough but it is doable. Short on time, will revisit later when I can try a better search.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Hey Sietz, I'm struggling with this too. I posted about it the other day re the stress cup thing where I'll do really atrocious self-talk about not being able to do small tasks, while completely ignoring all the PTSD stuff in my stress cup, in my self-talk.

I guess for me, self-respect is going to be about honouring the superhuman strength I have put into surving trauma and healing from it and trying to view the "little tasks" (triggering stuff) that I have trouble with *in that wider context of trauma and PTSD*.

Like you, I'm staring at this new thing and thinking "Ummm ???" and drawing mostly blanks right now.

But that's always the (slightly uncomfortable) first phase of a new, creative endeavour, right?

Drawing blanks, feeling slightly lost, pushing your brain to try and start clumsily filling in the gaps.

We will get there! :)

 

[ILoveLife]

But that's always the (slightly uncomfortable) first phase of a new, creative endeavour, right?
Drawing blanks, feeling slightly lost, pushing your brain to try and start clumsily filling in the gaps.

That's a great way of looking at it :)

 

[Mach123]

Low self esteem bordering on self loathing. Probably self loathing in my case. Easily one of the most difficult psychological barriers and behind so many other seemingly unrelated things. It's very hard to get hold of it. It's so slippery. You think you stopped it and it pops out somewhere else unlooked for.

 

[grit]

What I love about this forum (was there a post about this?) is that people just write the darnest thing you want to understand yourself in a way that I could not ever articulated outloud.
Self respect is very internal thing. It is one area I noticed earlier in my adult life, I noticed some people (women) had it and I never understood until I got older much older like midlife.

Of course this goes without saying but this is instilled from healthy parenting. it is only this complicated when boundaries and self are intruded upon at early age in my opinion. the few people I know who have this naturally will not be understanding this conversation or would feel like splitting hair. I remembered young women same age as me in our 20s who would not put themselves in situations I thought were OK because they respected their bodies! I remembered this vividly but at the time, I was sort of in the bigggg fog of dissociation.

I was abusive to myself for a long time just by calling names, snickering and eye rolling to myself forever even slapping at times to show who was the boss (sick way to channel my mother). No wonder I was not getting nowhere in life.

However, now I am much less (it is very obvious when I do it) but what changed me the most for me is not so much the words but space and effort. I take shower and brush my teeth even though I am feeling really down and will spend my weekend on the couch. I will empty the sink without having visitors (I acknowledge outloud to myself that I am doing these things for me not for guests or others). I will do laundry for me. I am doing things normal self care things for me. this may not be your issues per se but this is how I learned to a point about the connection to self respect.

If I take a shower, put a lipstick and perfume for me that is good. I only did that if I was going out so I was doing for others. Self respect for me was more or less how I treat myself physically and thoughts than doing things because others will notice or I rather not go out smelling like a dirty rabbit but why should I make myself smell my dirty rabbit? could be blahahah in my head but hope it makes sense. I used to clean my apt only when people are coming over? why? I started to do it for myself (it is not often) but I acknowledge when I am doing things for me.
Just noticing this body deserves good, clean body and house and empty sink would somewhat communicate to me, I respect myself. Eventually it sort of seeped to my subconsciousness.

hope this makes sense

 

[Rose White]

I agree with @grit about the actions and behaviors sending messages to the body.

Once I accepted that my body deserved to be fed and watered and dressed and relieved when it needs, then I started to realize that my tired sad eyes were a part of my body too.

I decided to face those eyes, and a friend said she would support me. So I started telling those eyes that I loved them and taking selfies—at first only sharing them with my friend, then other friends, then groups...

I realized that when I speak to my eyes and see the smile in response, it’s like talking directly to my inner children. I still feel the abandonment wound, no doubt, but I have at least a few moments every day where I check in with myself, and I can picture myself smiling even without a mirror.

This has helped a lot with self-respect, especially in the presence of others.

 

[ILoveLife]

@grit and @Searching4Self that makes lots of sense.
Nothing happens alone in the body usually. :)

I'm not a selfie person, but might as well do other body feel good things. :)

I'm glad this worked for you guys.