I want to self harm and i don't understand why

[frogthroat]

First off, let me start by saying that I know better than this and even though I have this urge I'm pretty sure I can sit with it until it passes.
I want to cut myself and I used to pretty regularly as a teen and sometimes, embarrassingly enough, in my early twenties. My thighs are so scarred up from me cutting myself. I always thought self injury was a child's way of seeking attention or crying out for help so I don't understand why I want to do this as an grown ass woman.
I know it has something to do with toxic stress but could it be part of processing? I'm getting hit with some pretty distressing memories at this point. I'm also realizing that some of the things that happened in my life that I thought were normal were actually abuse and I don't understand why I didn't realize that when I was being abused by another person as well and I knew that was bad because it hurt and it was mean.
My T told me to go to a shelter and find a little dog. I like chihuahua dogs. I'm afraid I'm a psychopath like my dad and hurt the dog. I think maybe this is what triggered all of this? I've hit a snag and I'm really depressed again.

 

[Freemartin]

I've come to notice that traumatic memories, when surfacing, bring their own coping mechanisms with them. Meaning that if I'm dealing with memories from my teenage years, the chances are I'm having cutting urges. I dunno if this is what's going on with you.

Hang in there. Those urges are tough motherf* kers.

 

[frogthroat]

Meaning that if I'm dealing with memories from my teenage years, the chances are I'm having cutting urges. I dunno if this is what's going on with you.

That makes sense but the thing that's really bothering me is from when I was around 6 to 9. I'm not drinking except for some weekends now, watching tons of porn, or overeating as much so maybe my body is trying a last stitch resort coping mechanism.
I really need to exercise. I'm sure that would help at least some. It gets hard for me to come out of my house but I need to make myself go release some energy probably.

 

[Freemartin]

Okay, so exercise would help.
Let's make a deal: during the next 4 hours you get outta the house & sweat. What kind of exercise is your favourite/possible for you now?

 

[frogthroat]

Okay, so exercise would help.
Let's make a deal: during the next 4 hours you get outta the house & s...

Well, I'm at work in a 100 degree factory right now so I'm sweaty enough. I have a gym membership I've just been moody and lazy. I do like how lifting weights and then running on the elliptical makes me feel once I actually drag my ass to the gym.

 

[Freemartin]

So, you've already done getting out in the world and sweating :).

I need to re-establish my gym routine as well.
How are the urges now?

 

[frogthroat]

So, you've already done getting out in the world and sweating :).

I need to re-establish my gym rou...

They aren't so bad. When I have really bad flashbacks I stop managing my negative emotions like I should be then I freak out. I think it actually has alot to do with the fact that I get agitated because I can't concentrate as well. I'm not anywhere near as bad as I was even 3 months ago though. I would've actually sliced myself or gotten drunk so I actually think I'm doing better than I thought. Thanks for responding though. My meltdowns are starting to come up less and then pass by pretty quickly.

I live alone and I need to really find shit to do so I don't get stuck in my head so much. I'm really kind of just figuring out who I am and it kind of sucks but at the same time it's not so bad. Sometimes, I still correlate things that happened to me to things that are happening now and that's not relevant or helpful in any way.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I am a recovering cutter and alcoholic, so I can identify with the distress you are feeling and struggling not to reach for the tried and true mind changers that are not healthy coping mechanisms. They’re quick at stopping the overflow of stress, but are very dangerous. We all know how deadly alcohol is, but remember, your skin is covered with bacteria. Anytime it is lacerated, you increase the chance of contracting an infection. Especially if you work in a hot environment. Bacteria loves that.
I cut slot in high school. When I escaped home to go to college, I was happy for the first time and I didn’t cut again until I was 40 and had a breakdown whereupon I recovered all my suppressed memories of sexual abuse. I was in the emergency phase of this process for two years. I cut like crazy. My T at the time was matter of fact about it and he ignored it. Many years have passed since then and I don’t even think of cutting anymore. For me, I just had to learn really good self care. And recognizing, just like you can, that I’m getting triggered by horrid memories or reminders of our hell. I finally know what it feels like to be grounded. Body work helped me in this area. And energy work like acupuncture and reiki.
I find it helpful, like you are doing, to reach out and ask for help. I had to hear over and over how not to cut. It’s addictive. See what you can do about lessening your stress. Hopefully you have a therapist. Learning new skills like mindfulness meditation take time, but you can start or restart your journey to discover what helps you and then practice that over and over until it is second nature.
I hope things calm down soon. Don’t know where you live. Where I am it is nighttime so if I was feeling like cutting, then I would heat up my bag of corn in the microwave, crawl into bed and come onto this site. Or I would go on YouTube and watch a segment of Tara Brach who leads weekly talks on difficult emotions and how to use mindfulness to
Lessen the stress that is part and parcel of life. She has many that are specifically about trauma.
Wherever you are, I wish you peace of mind. Remember, it’s July 26. You are not 9 now. You are safe and you will be safe from now on. Take care.

 

[frogthroat]

I am a recovering cutter and alcoholic, so I can identify with the distress you are feeling and str...

Thank you. I do have a therapist. I've been in therapy about 6 months now. I did end up cutting myself tonight but it's where no one can see. I actually feel better but I do feel foolish. I only usually do this about once or twice a year not anywhere near as much as I did as a preteen/young teen.
It's a stress I don't really understand that builds up and then it gets to the point where I can't handle it and I do that. I should really talk to my T about it but I'm really embarrassed. I mean I'm 30 years old and it's a childish thing to do.