General Supporters: ask a sufferer (symptoms etc)

[Never_falter2]

Okay, my question would be: are supporters welcome in the therapy section or is this very personal?

 

[Mytime]

Is not allowing yourself to feel happiness, accomplishments or good about yourself. Is it a symptom or is it depression?

 

[Swift]

Okay, my question would be: are supporters welcome in the therapy section or is this very personal...

I don't really know. I'm probably not the best person to ask... therapy tends to be pretty personal to me.

Is not allowing yourself to feel happiness, accomplishments or good about yourself. Is it a symptom or is it depression?

Um. That's a really interesting question.
Once again I might not be the best person, but I'll give you my answer.
I have Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) as a secondary diagnosis, because clearly the drama queens were in charge of naming stuff that day.
To me, depression itself feels different to PTSD, but I'd put those symptoms in the PTSD basket.
It's not so much that I don't allow myself to feel good about myself, as that I really have a hard time with those feelings. Like, to the extent that they're not there the way they are in typical people.
Accomplishments are tricky too. It's like I get a "backlash" of all the bad stuff if I do something good, which drives my supporters bonkers. It doesn't make much sense to me either - why does doing something "good" give me such a kick in the bad stuff?
As for not allowing oneself to feel happiness...
The brain craves consistency. In particular, the PTSD brain only feels safe if it has a similar kind of brain environment. Thus, feeling anything other than rubbish can make the brain feel unsafe.
I've seen this myself in neurofeedback - my brain will be doing really well by the measurements, calming right down and quieting itself, and then it will go "holy crap I don't like this" and I start to freak out. Had to stop the session early last time, because that happened, and I basically bolted out of there afterwards.
Which makes a perverse kind of sense.
Our brains are set up to be "safety machines". They're not organized in a way that maximizes our happiness or our productivity. They're organized in a way that keeps us safe.

The other thing with trauma, particularly my type of trauma, which was an abusive relationship with a pedophile...
The "good" is often a prelude to the "bad"'. Our abusers are super nice to us when they're about to do something evil, and then they're nice to us again afterwards. So, if things are going well, I'm not focused on that, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and thinking about which direction the blow is going to come from.
My therapists have put up with a lot of "what the heck are you playing at, by being good to me?" Over the years.

I don't really know how to fix that, but it is getting better with time.
The mental health cha-cha: two steps forward, one step back.

 

[Mytime]

@Swift thank you for your rely. What you said, does make sense. You have helped me understand a bit more. :hug:

 

[OrangeJulius]

Just wanting to hear from sufferers about what its like going out. My honey doesn't go out often. When he does, its usually a birthday for a close friend, so its important to him to be there for them and he just deals with the stress (usually by drinking heavily).

So, in light of that mindset, is it easier to deal with the stress of going out (to show a friend they're important to you) with your partner there? Or is it easier to not have the added stress of "dealing" with your partner also?

In short, I am being left out (in my view, unnecessarily) and I can't discern if this is a stress cup thing or an asshole thing.

I am bringing this up with him because I will not accept this, but it will help me approach this conversation better if I hear from others first.

Thanks!

 

[Freida]

ohhhh....so many answers to that question...... :):)

It depends on the type of friend ----
A battle buddy in need always comes first. Always. If a battle needs you - you go. It doesn't matter the time, the day, the place. You go. And you leave spouse home - because those worlds can't cross. Ever,

A battle buddie having a birthday. Spouse stays home because we are going to be talking about things that we don't want you to know or have to explain to you. Oddly dispatch/LE/EMS has some of the same rules. When your day job is life and death you need to be able to talk like you talk -- not pretty it up for the normies.
Or - all spouses come and it's a different kind of party because the conversation changes

Regular buddy -- now its whatever rules you would set for a regular relationship. Sometimes spouse just needs to get away and hang out with the guys/gals. Sometimes they are just being an ass. What is acceptable to you?

Does that help?

 

[Never_falter2]

I am just a spouse but I have been told it is more difficult for them to go out with their partner with them... unless they feel that their partner is good at judging possible dangers...
Why? Because if they feel that they have to protect their partner. It is helpful for them if their partner knows what to do in case something goes wrong... and because they like to stress with themselves with thinking of the most unlikely dangers it is good you know what to do in case a mad man goes on rampage in just the restaurant/mall whatever? Would you know what to do? You run, hide, tell.
If you can, you must run, leave your stuff there if they are to heavy to take with you, encourage others to run. If it is not possible to run, hide, barricade yourself, lock doors and move away from them if possible.

It might help him to discuss with you where the exits are before you go. It might be helpful to discuss several possible danger with you like what to do when a mad man goes on rampage, what to do when there is several of them, what to do in case of a fire and so on.

 

[OrangeJulius]

A battle buddy in need always comes first.

Totally get that! Its not a battle buddy. All his are dead or off-grid unfortunately. But, I don't know if these EMS buddies are his new "battle buddies".

Oddly dispatch/LE/EMS has some of the same rules.

not pretty it up for the normies.

Totally get this too. But he and I are both EMS so we see the same things at work and talk the same in that regard. And the thing I am currently being left out of is a birthday for a co-worker of BOTH of ours. So I know everybody there and am good friends with the host of the party who is throwing it for someone who my honey is good friends with. I have heard of other spouses going that also work with us. (all the EMS incest) And the personality of the host is TOTALLY "bring your SO". I KNOW he asked my honey where I am when he showed up without me and I really wonder what he said since the answer is AT HOME DOING NOTHING....and now contemplating this damn PTSD relationship. Sorry....venting.

all spouses come and it's a different kind of party because the conversation changes

I imagine it being more this way. Especially since thee birthday boy's wife will be there. Although she is LE so that's not completely the same. Not sure if he has non-first responder friends coming also.

Sometimes spouse just needs to get away and hang out with the guys/gals.

And that's fine too! I get that! I just wish he would say that! And he goes shooting with these guys all the time (like once a week more recently) so its not like he's ever deprived of guy time. (all of my "!" are at him...not you! lol)

Sometimes they are just being an ass. What is acceptable to you?

Sigh. Not that.

Does that help?

Its nice to hear the things I was already thinking....but I wish the answer wasn't that he's an ass....that means I have to make decisions and boundaries I don't want to make. This is the type of help that I needed to hear but not the help where I feel better afterwards. It is much appreciated regardless. Always look forward to hearing from you @Freida

 

[OrangeJulius]

I am just a spouse

You're not "just a spouse"! I greatly appreciate your input too!

unless they feel that their partner is good at judging possible dangers

I am pretty terrible at this in his eyes....but since I am a first responder, better at it than most. But the key is being terrible at it in his eyes.

It might help him to discuss with you where the exits are before you go

Maybe we come up with something like this if this is in fact what's going through his head. Thanks for your input! I think its more likely he's an ass, but you're giving me hope that it could be something else we can work on.

 

[scout86]

Can I just throw in the thought that there might be more options than "it's PTSD" and "he's an ass"? Not saying I know what they are. You'd probably have to ask him. Just suggesting it might be more complicated and there might be more potential explanations.

To answer your original question, I'll go with "it depends". If I had to go to an event where the issue was "there's people there!", I preferred it when my ex was around. He was very gregarious and outgoing. Made it really easy to find a quiet corner to hang out in till we could go home. We didn't have a relationship where I worried about him much. (I DID say he was my ex.)

In other public settings, having someone else along can be a distraction. Sometimes that's helpful. Sometimes it's maddening. Depends not only on what's going on in the world, but what's going on in my brain.

 

[Mytime]

I want to make sure I’m understanding this right. A good friend of yours is hosting a birthday party for a co-worker.
Which is also both your co-worker and good friend of your SO. Many other co-workers have been invited and their SO.
Not that it matters, because to me this is a dick move. Was the invitation to both of you or just him?

 

[OrangeJulius]

Can I just throw in the thought that there might be more options than "it's PTSD" and "he's an ass"?

Hahahaha, yes you can throw it in. The supporters usually use the "PTSD or ass" thing to decide is this a decision he has control over or not. We definitely understand there's grey, but sometimes it helps to make it black or white so that its easier for us to make the boundaries we need to make for our own sakes.

He was very gregarious and outgoing.

This is how I am! So in my head it'd be easy for me to come along because I can carry the actual social interaction and him finding a corner without me and being left with his friends (and in this case, OUR friends) wouldn't bother me in the least bit.

Sometimes that's helpful. Sometimes it's maddening. Depends not only on what's going on in the world, but what's going on in my brain

This is really good to hear. Thank you! A very good perspective to have as I approach this conversation and figure out what's going on with him. Thank you @scout86 !

@Mytime yes, you have it right. I was not extended a personal invitation as it was fairly casual. But my close friend that organized/hosted is the type that would assume he would pass the invite to me. I know this because whenever he invites me to things he ALWAYS says to bring my boyfriend...even before they knew each other. And if he didn't mention me at all....I don't feel its too much to ask "is orangejulius invited also?" Because i love socializing and going out ... even with people i don't know....but especially with people I do know!

In any case....they all had to deal with his drunken trying-to-fight behavior. 4 of them ended up in my bedroom putting him to bed. Next time I'm sure they'll make a point to invite me too :D