Relationship Boyfriend with ptsd sent me a documentary... how to respond???

[Jay02]

Hey.

My boyfriend is a former Marine who had a flashback a couple of days ago and had been distancing himself from me. I'm starting to understand that he needs his space and so I give it to him to allow him to deal with it on his own.

Today, I decided to send him a message to remind him that I love him, that I'm here for him, and that I hope he is doing okay. Usually, he would just read it without replying. Instead, he sent me a link to a documentary called "The Battle for Marjah" and said, "I hope you watch the entire movie."

It's gotten me very emotional to even think that my boyfriend (and others) had to endure such horrors to protect our country. I thank every single one who had to do so.

My question is... After watching the documentary he sent, how do I respond? I just don't want to say the wrong thing...

 

[shimmerz]

It's gotten me very emotional to even think that my boyfriend (and others) had to endure such horrors to protect our country. I thank every single one who had to do so.

This seems great to me. It is honouring his pain. That is important.

 

[Never_falter2]

So I am not a sufferer, just a supporter and I am not sure if I have good social skills and I have not even watched the documentary but I think I would just tell him: “So I watched the documentary“ and maybe ask him if he wants to talk.

I sometimes do it like this with my guy when he is not feeling well and for example he is trembling. I do not talk a lot or guess what he wants to hear. I just tell him what I noticed ... I noticed he is trembling... but of course it also depends on the guy and what he is like. Mine likes this more indirect way of being talked.

Oh... and do not discuss it in front of other people, wait until the both of you are in a place that he likes and where he feels “safe“, like at home, closed window.

 

[Nessa7]

I would tell him that you "watched the entire documentary." It seems like he's concerned that you wouldn't watch the entire thing. There are a lot of different reasons that he might be worried about that, and I wouldn't try to dig into them with him right away. I agree with asking him if he wants to talk about it. I think it would be difficult to try to guess what kind of reaction he wanted from you or why he wanted you to watch it. Asking him would let him control the direction of the conversation.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Asking him would let him control the direction of the conversation.

Yes, I think this is really important. HesH shared the doco because it's potentially a trigger free way of sharing - now its up to you to gently explore why this means so much to him, what it's explaining for him and most of all, a demonstration of you listening.

 

[Swift]

As a sufferer, my advice would be to thank him for sharing it with you. Is there a particular scene that he might want you to see? I might ask him which scene spoke to you the most.

As a sufferer. If I shared a film with a supporter, I'd be trying to communicate something I couldn't put in to words. I occasionally share articles with my mates, and the useful responses I get are the bits that stand out to them, and then the bits that stand out to me.

I think saying the wrong thing is.... less something to worry about if you're actually listening and asking questions. There are only a coupla ways to say the wrong thing, and they all revolve around intent rather than wording.

Unhelpful responses I guess would be things like "well, I'm sure you didn't have it as bad as the blokes in the movie/nothing like that happened to you"'... or "why did you make me waste my time watching this shit movie"... or any variation on "you're a weakling, get over it." The fact that you're on a supporter's site for this brave man means that you're fairly unlikely to say any of that.

Good luck, keep us posted if you like.

 

[Freida]

Maybe add "thank you for sending it to me, it helps me see what you went through. Do you want to talk about it?"
It helped you See. Not Understand. You can't understand unless you were there and it's a slap in the face when people say they can.

I haven't seen this movie so this is a huge jump that might be based in total nonsense -- so feel free to disregard.
But maybe a couple things to think about
How did you feel seeing the good guys kill the bad guys? Did they do the right thing?
How the good guys react when their friends died? Did they cry and then look like huge wimps who need to toughen up? Was there a scene where half the team died and half lived? Survivor guilt is huge --how does that make you feel about those who have it?
Did it bother you that they got angry, they cried, they got revenge? Do you believe marines shouldn't have emotions? Are they supposed to be tough and not feel because war is war?
War requires people to do horrible things. Things that many of the vets think they can't be forgiven for. Maybe he wanted you to see what kinds of things he had to do - to see if you still want him around.

I'm guessing he's not going to have an actual conversation with you about any of those. But it could be that he is reaching out the only way he knows how to see if you can accept him - in spite of what he's been through. Many vets are condemned by civilians for the things they did when they were in the military because it doesn't fit into their nice, quiet world. I'm wondering if he is looking for if you can handle what he did - or if it will scare you off.

 

[Never_falter2]

A few of you called it a movie. I think the battle for Marjah is not a movie but a documentary about Operation Moshtarak an ISAF Offensive in Marjah, Helmland, Afghanistan. I think marines played a role in it, her vet is a marine. (Err, or did I say something stupid? I my native language a movie is more fictional, might be about real events but shown in a more fictional way... such as Pearl Habour or Saving Private Ryan... but then maybe English does not work like this).

 

[Freida]

@Never_falter --- good point.
@Jay02 was your guy in the documentary???

 

[Jay02]

So I am not a sufferer, just a supporter and I am not sure if I have good social skills and I have...

I would tell him that you "watched the entire documentary." It seems like he's concerned that you would...

Yes, I think this is really important. HesH shared the doco because it's potentially a trigger free...

Thank you everyone for responding. The thing is that my boyfriend doesn't like to talk much about his time when he was in the military. I learned not to push subjects that he isn't comfortable with and to allow him to come to me. I did end up sending him a message saying that if he wanted to talk, I was going to be all ears. It's tough because he is someone I can see a future with and when he gets flashbacks or nightmares, he shuts down and when we're apart... There's no way I could get through to him aside from text messages here and there. I am always worrying that I am hounding him or not giving him the space that he needs...

 

[Jay02]

As a sufferer, my advice would be to thank him for sharing it with you. Is there a particular scene that...

Maybe add "thank you for sending it to me, it helps me see what you went through. Do you want to talk a...

Thank you so much... I needed to hear all of this. I got extremely emotional while watching the documentary. I sent him a long text message saying that I watched it and that I appreciated him sending it to me... That I also admire his strength and courage to have to deal with the aftermath and how brave I think he is for doing what he, and other Marines, had to do.

He has said before that one of the reasons why he doesn't like to talk about his time overseas is because he's afraid it'll scare me off and I've reassured him many times that I am in this relationship for the long haul... I just wanted to hug him after watching the documentary because I cannot fathom what he had to do when he was over there. I kept imagining him fighting and... It made me tear up.

As for the documentary, I do not think he was in it. I have not asked if he was a part of the Operation though. We haven't had much contact in the past five days. Yesterday was the only message I got from him and it was the link to the documentary...

 

[EveHarrington]

You can say you watched it but you’re not quite sure how to respond, although you do want to support him.