My therapist’s reaction to a timeline really hurt

[Justmehere]

My trauma therapist said a traumatic event I’ve been through is complicated, unique, and horrific. I wrote out a very linear timeline of the event and shared it with her. She said we had talked about all the parts of it before, but there were some dots I knew needed to be connected so she could help better - they were also new dots for me to connect for myself. She was so grateful for how I spelled it out.

We both already knew it was complicated, think it just became more clear how complicated?

For me, it became a whole lot more simple. To the degree that I’m really shaken by it. And yet, that’s clearly not her reaction to it.

She was clear that I don’t need different therapy or therapist, or a higher level of treatment. She said that a bunch of pieces have clicked together for her, and I’m making great progress forward. But she kept emphasizing this is complicated and uncommon,

She said she didn’t quite mean that the trauma is uncommon. “Your case is just very complicated.”

I tried to point out all the ways it’s not actually that complicated... Rape is rape afterall. Abuse is abuse.

But she kept saying it was complicated.

I told her, “this isn’t going to sit in my head right” and asked if she could explain why she kept emphasizing “this is complicated.” I kept trying to ask how this changes things and etc. She said she wasn’t sure how to answer what I’m really asking.

I got a little weak? Regressive? I dunno. I stupidly said, “I want to ask if this makes me a freak... but that’s gonna help.” I don’t usually ask what she thinks of me, especially not in terms of “do you think I’m a freak?” Because 1.) she’s in the room with me doing this work 2.) who gives a crap if she thinks I’m a freak anyhow?!

She said, “yeah, that kind of question is a trap.”

I was pretty badly publically humilated about this trauma and this was the first time I’ve talked about it with anyone more than just saying I was raped by so and so....

The perp confessed and went to prison but I was badly humiliated publically in my old town about it. (Someone darn f*cked up and didn’t keep my victim status info confidential.)

Someone even keyed “whore” into my door... this all happened prior to meToo. The rapist was a respected figure in the community.

This is the first time anyone talked to me about what happened in detail. (Long story as to why the trauma was publically known, or rather the perps multiple versions of it were so well known... he was a real sick person.)

I was able to say a lot of shame is being stirred up by her saying it’s complicated over and over.

She told me to try to just notice the shame and be curious about it. We talked about other elements to it all. Some suicidal thinking has been stirrred up this week and we worked through that a bit. She asked if thinking of suicide as an escape brought any relief. I told her it didn’t.

She said that was a bummer.

What?!

Wait are suicidal thoughts supposed to feel good? Because I know they usually feel good when I’m damn close to acting on them. (I’m not at that point, but this session didn’t help)

I told her I felt like I just exposed my heart and now she’s saying suicide should feel good?!

She was giggly during the session and I angrily told her, “where are you even at?! You are not even with me.”

She did apologize for being off and being giggly. She said next time she’d be more “regulated.”

The last therapist I told about this (but not in any detail at all) got really giggly too. She said it was a nervous giggle, and not being nervous about me. But the trauma. So we didn’t talk about it again.

My old therapist and my current one have both gone on and on how horrible the trauma is...

This therapist been a good therapist for me. We talked about how other therapists have said they would not be able to touch this trauma with a 10 foot pole because it is too complicated. (Yes they used that actual phrasing.) Finding a new therapist able and willing to even try to handle this would likely require 6-7 hours travel to and from every appointment. I can’t do that right now.

I pretty much need feedback to help me not feel sick over telling her about this trauma. I so wish I hadn’t. Yes, I will talk to her about it, I tried so hard to do so this time. I need to find a way to frame this that will help me get through this next week.

Any feedback welcome except suggestions that I quit are not welcome or helpful. If I need to make it clear this isn’t ok, that’s doable. Quitting is not.

 

[MyWillow]

Holy crap and wow but you are an amazing human being. To survive that and then have the guts to TALK about it? Hats off @Justmehere but hey I can’t express how much I admire you right now.

I’m not sure I’m going to be much help here but I want to say that your T sounds honest and human and so do you. It’s on her that she couldn’t really hold the space for you sufficiently BUT rupture and repair are some of the quality bits of stuff that come out of the therapeutic relationship. Maybe you just talk about that for the next session. To be able to tell someone how hurt and angry they made you feel, them being ok with that and it not being the end of the world is SUCH an important part of the journey. I’m not quite there yet but I know what I’m seeking.

You’re f*cking awesome. Just sayin’ ;)

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm sorry that your therapist isn't giving you what you need right now. Giggling during your session?? I'd be pretty pissed off if my T did that, and especially during a session when I disclosed something like you did.

Just for a second ... what would it mean to you if your situation WAS complicated? What would happen if you allowed yourself to think that it IS complicated?

Maybe rape is rape and abuse is abuse ... but the contexts surrounding them can be pretty damn messed up, unclear, and ... complicated. And our thoughts and feelings surrounding them can be pretty complicated as well.

I wonder if in some way you thought she was minimizing your trauma by calling it complicated and uncommon. I would guess she just thought she was describing it.

As far as the suicide conversation: Nietzsche said, "The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night." It helps some people, not others. Maybe the "bummer" comment was just regarding the fact that the thought doesn't console you in some way.

 

[grit]

Hi Justmehere,

This is painful. I am sorry this has happened. It seems you really like this therapist and respect her and want to keep working with her so I think my only other take on this is: could it be that perhaps you two were at different level of consciousness?
If you just shared a very detailed of a painful memory, is it possible your radar was a bit off? and perhaps, the therapist failed (slightly) as a human because she did not read you right at this one time only (even though in the past you were happy with her).

The only other thing that I can get from this is that maybe you can ask her not to use certain words with you yet because they are too loaded for you: complicated, regulated, etc.

I think by recognizing the full conversation and your therapist missing the point is good breakthrough in your journey.

I hope my comments come off as suggestions not as dissection of your therapy session which I was not at and could not have known anything about.

 

[scout86]

Wait are suicidal thoughts supposed to feel good?

My T says that he thinks all this stuff starts out as "adaptive". For better or worse, it's you're brain's attempt at dealing with the situation. Sometimes those efforts aren't based on accurate information. So, the way I see it, it totally makes sense that knowing you have a way out, even if it's suicide, could be a bit of a comfort.

If all these people keep saying "it's complicated", I guess I have to think, as far as they're concerned, something about it IS complicated. I'm not sure exactly how they mean that (it doesn't help that they haven't been able or willing to even explain it to YOU). Maybe it's not complicated for you, but it's clearly complicated for them. That's just information. It's their perception of the situation. It tells you they may not have an easy time with this either, for what ever reason. That doesn't mean this T can't help you. I can see where it might mean things could be messy and more complicated as the two of you try to find a path forward. Trying to imagine myself in a similar situation..... I believe my T is pretty good at what he does, and that he's coming from a good place. I try to hold on to those thoughts when things get complicated. I also ask myself, seriously, if he doesn't get something absolutely perfect, how much actual hard can it really do? My answer is, usually, "not much". People make mistakes in relationships all the time. It doesn't have to be an end to the relationship. It can just be a misunderstanding that you work through. The relationship can actually be stronger as a result. Assuming both parties are well intended.

The giggling would be annoying. I suppose she was nervous, but it would sure be nice if she could get a handle on that. I can see WHY she'd be nervous. This subject hasn't gone well for you in the past and I'm sure she wants to get it "right". Besides that, there might be something about the whole thing that makes it hard, even for a T.

I pretty much need feedback to help me not feel sick over telling her about this trauma. I so wish I hadn’t. Yes, I will talk to her about it,

I'd think of that conversation as a first step. In future conversations, you both can clarify and fine tune the conversation. My own experience has been that first bringing something up is the hardest part. It doesn't always go smoothly. It's a bit like a work of art. The way the sculpture or the painting look at the end of day one is usually pretty crude compared to the finished product.

 

[Justmehere]

I guess at the heart of it, we were running into resistance. I got really gung-ho in explaining this trauma to her. Tearing down the walls. The resistance. I told her it felt like pouring out my heart all on the floor... and I guess I really wanted someone with me in it, and she’s generally really good being right there with me in whatever I bring into the office.

It is complicated. I argued it’s not THAT uncommon. Saying that it is complicated over and over leaves me feeling really alone. It feels like pushing me away. Is it?

I don’t much care if it’s complicated or not. I think it’s hitting me how badly I wanted someone there, in it, with me. I don’t care if my case if it’s rocket science level complicated. Can’t someone be with me in it? Why am I missing the connection?

 

[scout86]

It feels like pushing me away. Is it?

I really doubt it's her, deliberately pushing you away. But, something I've noticed. There's a lot of stuff that my T has heard over and over, with hundreds of clients. He has kind of a formula, I think, for what works and he follows it. (I do the same thing working with horses.) Once in awhile, you venture into territory you've actually never covered before. Or seldom. Doesn't mean you can't do it, just means it's different and, well, complicated. Because of that, it feels different, to you (them too!). It's kind of easy for a PTSD fueled brain to read that as a rejection of some sort. After all, isn't that what we're expecting, deep down inside?

 

[grit]

Hey justmehere

I may miss this part in your original or subsequent posting but would it be fair to note that maybe you were hurt by her not "becoming more like you" you felt alone and misunderstood or maybe you felt deeply complicated and annoyed she is poking on that level not on the surface as you see yourself not complicated.

I personally find few of your post seem (not all but some) that you prefer to be different and "abhor" this is my word to be assumed as being like anyone else. Maybe your therapist is trying to touch on that or trying to support your uniqueness but failed somewhat cause you were on board at that moment with her. We are all different yet the same in some ways. If we were all so unique, this kind of site would not exist.

Either way, I feel your feelings were hurt or you felt anger for the disconnection moment and perhaps it is worth to frame it that way rather than focus on her. focus on the feeling this disconnection brought up.

Hope you get my drift.

 

[Justmehere]

Once in awhile, you venture into territory you've actually never covered before. Or seldom. Doesn't mean you can't do it, just means it's different and, well, complicated. Because of that, it feels different, to you (them too!). It's kind of easy for a PTSD fueled brain to read that as a rejection of some sort. After all, isn't that what we're expecting, deep down inside?

@scout86 - Yeah, I think that’s exactly this. This is out of the box for most people, even seasoned trauma therapists. I was expecting rejection.

I guess it’s scary. Like oh. Shit. You don’t know the next step. I don’t know the next step. And I can endure that, if she’s with me in it, and we are trying to find the next step together... but I’m quite primed to see anything as rejection right now. When in reality, she says this is progress, hang on, and see you next week.

I want to write more, to respond to everyone, but this has been helpful... and I’m kind of flooded at the moment. I’m going to go run to even myself out, regulate (lol), and I’ll be back later. Thank you much to all.

 

[Sweetleaf]

holy f*ck. Uuuuuuuuugh. Your post made me feel so much shit. I'm not even gonna go into the feels but there were feels.

All you did was talk to her about it, ultimately - it doesn't change anything about what happened, and you don't have to see what happened in a different light because of how she reacted - what happened is what happened. f*cking horrible, but you are certainly not the freak. You're not a freak for having had that shit done to you - you are not the person who is the freak.


I got really scared/nervous/shakey when my pdoc (who does EMDR with me) told me that she doesn't really have the experience/training that I need, to give me the full ideal range of treatment that I need - I thought she was going to tell me that I'm going to have to see someone else and that she doesn't want to work with me - which was also worrying because I don't have access to anyone else...

I worried and still worry that I'm abnormally f*cked up, that I'm a freak, for having experienced what I've experienced, enough for someone who treats other people with PTSD to tell me that my trauma is really complex, complicated, and interconnected, and she's not used to dealing with some of my types of problems - though she definitely said that stuff to me in a much, much, much kinder and more open (willing/able to explain things well) way. Ugh, your T f*cked that one up.

But - she said that she was willing to keep working with me because I don't really have any other resource other than her, with medicaid, at least where I'm living. No resource that's as good. She just wanted to be open about the fact that what I am dealing with has more ideal treatments (which she told me about), but medicaid won't cover them here, and not many people seem to want to work with medicaid. So she provides psych med management and counseling/EMDR, and that's all I can get. I really like her though, she's great. I'm fortunate to have her as a resource.


It's totally okay that you feel hurt - I'd feel hurt too if my T acted like that and said things like that. My old shitty T would giggle/laugh at shit I said too - shit that was horrible and f*cking painful and disgusting and degrading and just.... how the f*ck can you laugh at it!!!! RGH!!! WTF!! Since you're sticking with this T, if you feel up to it and want to, it wouldn't be a bad idea to tell her that you don't like that and would appreciate it if she didn't laugh at inappropriate times like that.

My pdoc reacts to f*cked up shit like this - she sits there, pausing, kind of looking slightly grumpy but a composed grumpy - and usually either I'll ask or she'll just say it - she feels anger at the person who did that shit to me. When I was telling her about a tactile flashback I had in her waiting room before the appointment, and could only get the two words "ass pain" out - and there was that pause, that silence - and I asked "what is it you're thinking?" or something like that and she said "im angry at the person who did that to you. i want to see him put behind bars!" of course clarifying that it's perfectly fine that I'm not doing that (yet) and not like, actually getting that loud, just saying it very emphatically. But she never laughs at my trauma. She never reacts in a way I think is bad.

I think, especially since you're still gonna be seeing her - it would be okay to tell her that you don't think that was okay - perhaps it will lessen the chances of things going like that in the future.

 

[ILoveLife]

One of my traumas doesn't rank as classic abuse, from flat out invalidation to "yeah, it's complicated"...I've heard it.

I think its more an acknowledgement on her feelings, not on the actual facts that happened.

 

[Justmehere]

I think my head just tripped over the edge. Tried to run it off. Tried to go to a work related meeting. Someone laughed like about a great joke someone else said. No big deal. It bothered me. They were not laughing at me or anything to do with me. I started to shiver and threw up. There is no reason for that. I went home due to, well, puking suddenly. I needed the work. They said not to worry, I looked sick...

I’m home. All I keep thinking is I shouldn’t have told her, and I want to take it all back. I even start to think I should ask her to ignore it all and let’s never speak of it again.

Because that’s rational. (not) It feels like the world is caving in. I’m really a mess. There is no reason for all this. I think my head tripped over the edge. I have to find my way back to okay.