I'm Scared And Don't Want To Deal With This

[xcarolineno]

Oh hello...

I'm new here, my name is Melanie. I'm scared and don't want to deal with this. I don't really know what else to say. I feel illegitimate and gross and guilty because I'm not a veteran and I haven't seen death or destruction and really I guess things aren't that bad for me these days, now, on an every day level.

I was in an abusive relationship for two years, and until now I've been coping by avoiding thinking about it at all (for the last three years, oh my) and instead taking it out on myself in various ways every single moment of every single day. Recently some health issues led to PTSD diagnosis, so now it's kinda in my face, and I have to think about it. So I started a Blog about it.

www.ohcarolineno.wordpress.com

I am so scared. I don't want to talk about the abusiveness, to anyone. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to, and to someone I don't even know (I just told my bf of two years, last night. Trauma). I have my first psychiatry appt. in two weeks. Till then, this is a lot to think about. My head hurts. So Much.

Also, if you're interested in more, my regular ole blog is here:

www.xcarolineno.wordpress.com

It's finally sunny outside again. Why does this have to be happening?

 

[amethist]

Hi Melanie

Welcome to the forum.

It does not matter what the reasons for your ptsd, you are welcome to be here. Just take it all slowly, no rush to do anything. You don't even have to tell your full story if it is too difficult for you just now.

There are many members on here who have been in the same situation as you have, so you are not alone by any means.

Take your time and read some of the information of how you could help yourself right now, it will be difficult for a long time, but you will get there eventually as long as you keep going.

Take care and good luck.

Amethist

 

[suzie q]

Hey there Melanie!!

I agree with Amethist on reading up on PTSD on the home page. It helped me understand about my symptoms, the whys and the hows. Like was said, just take the thing slowly. Since you've been diagnosed, your bf might want to read up also. It's a great place for those that care about a sufferer. The carer section will give him lots of experience on how to support you and take care of him while you are going through your journey. Just a thought!!

Please don't feel alone, you are not as long as you are here on the forum. You'll find those with your history and those in different stages of their therapy. We are a great support and welcome all that suffer from the symptoms of PTSD. The time I have spent on this forum has allowed me to find ways to releave stress, depression, anxiety, anger, self-pity, lonliness, all the things that make my symptoms worse.

Stick around and try us...you won't be disappointed. IMHO.
See ya around...suzie q

 

[xcarolineno]

Thanks

Thanks, guys. Also, sorry for posting the URL... usually I don't read terms of service, but I actually did read the terms of service for this forum, and must have missed that part. I wish it was okay though, because I'm more comfortable writing in my blog, at least for now, and I'd really like to have some feedback. But alas and alack.

I appreciate the support. The boy and I had breakfast this morning and we talked a little about it, but I think for both of us it's very hard to be okay with getting this type of "help." Even though we're kinda crazy freak types, we both also grew up very Catholic, which complicates things even more (we're taught to rely on family and parish, not outsiders). I have a huge problem confiding in people (meaning, I dont... but when I find someone I *can* confide in, apparently I wear out my welcome. which is Very Difficult to accept).

Anyway, I'm looking forward to checking out more of the board once my quarantine period is over. I looked at a lot of the info on the home page... it was hard for me to relate to most of it, honestly. I don't seem to fall into any of the scenarios (my situation was certain sadomasochistic, but wasn't anything like those described... it's also complicated by age, ethnicity, sexuality, etc). I'm a doctoral student, so sometimes I over think things... maybe this place will learn to help me chill out a little.

But alas. I go on toooo long. Thank you for the responses, I hope I can be of help to some of you as well.

Mel

 

[erikjms]

I'm a doctoral student, so sometimes I overthink things...
Mel

Hi Mel,

Another academic! Yay. I mean, not yay for what you've been through, but you know, hooray for overthinking and all of that. Oh and never knowing when to stop writing. Once you finish your dissertation it will be worse. Trust me. :)

Anyway, yeah, I don't know exactly what it is that you don't want to deal with, but I've had plenty of days where I just wish this crap would go away and stay away. To me one of the hardest things to deal with is the shame--I was taught shame in a very conservative Protestant family and I can't say how well it measures up to Catholic guilt, but it can really make you sick unto death with yourself--usually at just those times when you really need to be giving yourself a break. But no, the Sunday School Teachers (maybe this reads "Nuns" for you?) will have none of that!

I'd say to give yourself a break if you can. It wasn't your fault and even if yours was a completely unique experience (and isn't all experience unique?) I suspect that most here are all too familiar with the avoidance and guilt/shame that come with having been exposed to whatever each of us was exposed to.

Erik

 

[xcarolineno]

Thanks Erik. Overthinking/overanalyzing makes things really difficult, especially if you're open to a variety of different points of view... I tend to rationalize my way into being sympathetic to the behavior of people who hurt me.

Oh and don't even get me started on Catholic guilt! Le sigh.

 

[erikjms]

Thanks Erik. Overthinking/overanalyzing makes things really difficult, especially if you're open to a variety of different points of view... I tend to rationalize my way into being sympathetic to the behavior of people who hurt me.

Oh boy, do I understand that. I sometimes I feel I have been cursed with the ability to see or at least empathize with all sides of an argument, which means that I sometimes give too much credence to viewpoints that are in fact harmful to me. It gets worse from there, because I internalized a lot of antagonistic teachings from my time spent in my parents' church.

Sometimes I find that I have to insulate myself from debate just so that I can get some peace for myself.

Oh and don't even get me started on Catholic guilt! Le sigh.

OK. Sorry if I brought up anything you didn't want to think about. I could go on for days about shame, myself, but it can be a sticky topic--much like anxiety, simply talking about the feeling can stimulate it, so I have to be careful when and where and how I address it.


Erik

 

[Lemon Lime]

Hi xcarolineno,

I'm new here too and I know exactly how you feel. Right now I want to isolate, and am doing so, but it's just making the pain worse. I want to run but have no where to run to because if I do, I'll still be there with my thoughts. An ethical dilemma to be sure. Hopefully more posts like these will help us out.

Peace!