Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Freida]

Hey hun! Happy you are back, and very proud of you for taking time for good self care!

Also, sorry I take so many breaks, but I really need them.

NO apologizing! Take as many breaks as you need - simply because you need them. Letting us know you are going to be gone for a bit keeps us from worrying about ya -- but shouldn't stop you from going.

Yeah, I’m pretty strongly empathetic. I hate making people upset. It’s a huge weakness of mine, as gotten me into a lot of trouble, but also been pretty helpful. So that could be playing a part

soooooo bout this. Not sure if you were born empathetic or learned how to be as a means to stay alive. You were surrounded by people and you were never really safe, so maybe you learned to read body language at a deep level to figure out what other people were feeling as a means of safety? If so -- KUDOS! It worked!! It's not a weakness - it's a strength

 

[ILoveLife]

:hug: Strong cookie you are (yoda's voice)

 

[littleoc]

???

 

[littleoc]

soooooo bout this. Not sure if you were born empathetic or learned how to be as a means to stay alive.

This was a huge topic for my therapists when I was thirteen, haha. With input from my mom, seems like I was born that way, but got it refined while growing up. (Even my mom contributed, because occasionally everything is offense to her. Even when I was two years old. I distinctly remember taking a pair of binoculars that were too big for my hands, pointing them at her, and saying, “I’m way over here but you look big!” I didn’t have the vocabulary for “close” yet. She got really offended and I had a hard time holding binoculars for years because I thought she’d get mad at me again. I was always taking care of peoples emotions for them, apparently, before Brandi. My mom really needs therapy. At least she got me some, I guess? Too bad I can’t forget that memory I guess.)

But my mom has told me that as a small child I frightened my kindergarten teacher with “adult-like empathy” to the point that she called a meeting and asked if I could be homeschooled.

A nice contrast to my dad. I knew if he was getting depressed long before he showed a sign.

I hope my little brother doesn’t remember most of that. I hate that I was nice to my dad and that my mom would ask me to cheer him up. It makes me feel incredibly disgusting. No one likes him and it sucks to be associated with him. I wouldn’t have grown up nearly as poor if he hadn’t been like he was. He ruins everything.

 

[littleoc]

I’ve noticed something odd, which is going to be childish, but maybe that’s fine since I am a child. (In many religions you aren’t a real wise man until you’re 40, which is still pretty young honestly.)

Whenever I develop a “crush” on someone, I immediately assume I’m just confused and force myself to move on. I assume also that no one could possibly like me, and the one time someone did, I apologized and refused because (1) Brandi was still a thing and (2) I was sure I was grossing this person out.

I assume I’m disgusting, though that’s changing a bit. This grad school has forced me to get more comfortable with my appearance, and people keep liking me despite how I think I look, but now that the distortions are fading, I’m realizing that they were distortions. I look fine. Pretty actually.

And my grandparents are getting me invizilign or however you spell that, so that’s cool. I needed braces (like actually needed, not just for looks, there was some actual medical problem) when I was about four years old. But I didn’t see a dentist until I was 21, and I had taken myself on my own. My family all collectively blames my dad, which is fine because he would use all the money on drugs and alcohol and therefore neglect his children's needs. But on the other hand, he was out of my life at age 13, when I stood up to him. You’d think my mom would have jumped on that..?

But then again, she felt teenagers could be ignored and neglected, so. Oops.

My little brother got to go to a dentist at age 10 or 11. My dad chose him. The dentist was sketchy as hell and actually made things worse. Also, my mom thought waffles were a light breakfast when the paperwork said jello, which I pointed out twice before he left and then, once under whatever drug they used, threw up in the middle of a procedure. Good thing it wasn’t anesthesia!

I’m saying that no matter what, things have probably worked out for the best. My twin brother has braces now.

Did I mention that the weekend I unplugged, his wife (the one who doesn’t believe in doctors, which he didn’t know because he met her three months ago, and also the one who thinks she’ll ungay me, and also the one who was definitely a high risk pregnancy but thought my autistic brother who can’t even pick up a cat was going to deliver the baby and hopefully not be full of guilt for the rest of forever if someone died because he froze up) lost the baby? No one knows what happened exactly. She had cramps a week before, then bloody spots. Still refused to see a doctor. Then a week later it got bad and dangerous, she was rushed to the E.R., but several hours in she lost the baby.

Because there was no monitoring, it could happen again because they don’t know the cause exactly. I’m very frustrated about this because every woman in my family has had a miscarriage and warned her repeatedly that her decisions could be dangerous to herself and others. She believes that men must have the final say, but my twin didn’t say anything about it.

Not that anyone has said anything to her since. She needs space to mourn. Even though my one very mean aunt my blood-related aunt married but who the family hates says that if she had killed the baby by not having him in a car seat, she would have also been arrested for neglect. My aunt is a gigantic bitch, because those situations aren’t comparable.

I get the frustration though. But I will not be showing it to her. It wouldn’t help a thing. She obviously did not plan this and hopefully will be okay and will be able to try again later. Hopefully being a little wiser. If she has my brother deliver a dead baby, though....

I’m wishing my brother had married that woman I actually knew. She has severely untreated PTSD and jokes about suicide all the time in a way that make people crazy uncomfortable, but she wasn’t dangerous like this person seems to be. She’s brainwashed. Her Facebook posts (which I barely see because I’m barely online) are so full of brainwashed-talk that complete strangers will comment on her posts regularly with warnings that she’s talking nonsense.

</rant>, I guess I’ll come back and talk about other stuff later, if I feel like it. I’ve got work to do and totally derailed myself. My family won’t talk about this so it’s nice to have randomly vented it, I suppose

 

[littleoc]

I wish my mom had gotten my twin brother therapy. She thought that because he was autistic, he didn’t need therapy. I will be forever frustrated about this, because now he believes that therapy is religiously bad for you and has asked me to stop therapy several times, saying that you just have to forget everything. Meanwhile I’m aware that one more bad thing happens in the right way and he might just lose his shit. If he had been my kid, the excuse “he just brushes everything off!” would not have convinced me. He’s autistic, he needed tons of therapy.

At least he’s very high functioning. His wife literally doesn’t believe me that he’s autistic (though it’s not like you can’t see it).

 

[ILoveLife]

Holy shit, a miscarriage? :(

 

[littleoc]

Just to be clear, though, my mom did her best. It’s just that I’m frustrated and this is a great ranting space :P

Also yes, she had a miscarriage. She was refusing to see a doctor and said that ultrasounds and microwaves were dangerous, so... I wish she had taken warnings seriously. She’s barely even 20, it’s no way to start a marriage with a man you don’t actually know, and no way to start your “adult” life. She is mentally about 16 though. Clearly very traumatized and not coping the way most people do... she mostly sits around angrily and snapping at people for things that five minutes earlier were fine. Luckily, as I mentioned, she believes men must always get their way, and my twin doesn’t believe in therapy.

I said this once already, but if they don’t vaccinate their kids, assuming they figure this all out (humans are resilient, I'm sure they can) I really will kidnap them for vaccines or at least report it. They want to homeschool, too. Suspiciously, she wants to move away “somewhere where no one can visit us,” and doesn’t seem to understand that my twin and I are close. Or were. He stopped texting me completely a week before but the miscarriage. I’m not going to intervene. I know how his brain works. She’s an obsession to him. Hopefully it lasts though, because he doesn’t believe in divorce.

My brother wouldn’t hurt a kid, but I don’t really know what he’d do if she did. Even my dad would attack, he’d freeze up. He didn’t ever report a thing if he thought it was normal.

I’m ranting again. I’m really unhappy with his choice of wife. But it doesn’t matter what I think unless she actually does turn out to be dangerous. So far, she has just told me that my dad must be gay because all gay people are psychopaths aligned with the Devil (South Park must be right about the devil being gay) and that she doesn’t believe in doctors. Maybe if I become a doctor, she’d trust me? She said she likes me okay. Not sure if she knows I’m gay or not though. She knows my aunts are gay and still talks to them, though. Not really her business.

But yeah, I’m hoping so much that she goes to a doctor next time. The E.R. is not a fun place, and losing a baby is not something that should happen to anyone. Even if they make unknowingly poor decisions with good intentions (“ultrasounds cause child cancer” which they do not).

 

[littleoc]

Sorry, I’m very frustrated about this. Getting that kind of phone call is never nice.

It does make it seem a bit like my dad was contacting me to get info on that though. That thing loves “gossip.” He used to wish my little brother would get a rare cancer so my dad could get recognition. He has serious problems, way worse than everyone else’s problems

Man, I wish I didn’t know my dad :I

Hope y’all are having good days :) I was thinking about you all during my break

 

[littleoc]

My twin brother has always wanted a child of his own to protect and nurture, so I know he’ll find a way. His wife will too, because according to her she wants something similar

Hopefully they will be more careful in the future, I hate that life was harsh at them when it didn’t need to be

 

[littleoc]

Also, in less depressing news, I’ve found out that grass fed cows really do make the best milk.

My doctor told me to eat organic meat and dairy for at least a few months, but I might not be able to switch back unless I’m way too poor. It’s delicious, and I love not feeling guilty. There are four main companies in my country that do meats and dairy. They have sketchy deals with Congress that have let them get away with more than just animal crimes. I’ve seen one of those farms, you don’t want to. It will make you uneasy for years. But I’ll always support a happy cow :)

Throwback to when a baby cow nipped Nestle in the face. That was a good day for everyone (the mom cow had doubts but she was chill)

 

[littleoc]

Humans are gonna touch the sun sort of :)