Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

First, rainbow (for my own records):
???????????????????????????????????????☘??????????❄??☂?☃????????????????????????????????????????

Second:

black pig

I haven’t heard of that! I raised two potbellied pigs once (sooo sweet friends) but I bet that’s good!!!

And sure, lemme send you some milk and... uh.... cheese! Haha ?

 

[somerandomguy]

Ha ha, that rainbow is pretty cool. ?️‍?

 

[littleoc]

Thanks!! Colors are fun ???️‍?????

 

[littleoc]

Doin my best, Isabelle E :)

 

[Freida]

Random thing of the day....

I'm watching an episode of Hoarders and the interactions between the mom and the adult son and daughter is really interesting. The mom wants to have the house cleaned out but she refuses to listen when they try to throw things away. The kids are trying to reason with her and it's like they are speaking Chinese. Nothing that they say is helping her understand they are trying to make her life and home better. It's a pretty typical episode.

I got to thinking how futile their efforts are, which made me really sad. They are expending so much energy trying to help her have a better life that they are completely missing she doesn't want their help. She says she wants her house clean and organized but it's also obvious that she doesn't want it to change. She is trying to do this for them - but it's not what SHE wants. I know the therapists say it is because she doesn't see it like everyone else does--- garbage filled and unhealthy -- but it is still so very sad.

It made me think about your situation and how you want so badly to reason with your mom. Which led me down the rabbit hole of trying to deal with my brother when he's delusional and how I needed to learn that I couldn't change his world view. I often forget I had to do some really hard work on letting go of "fixing" him. I wonder -- can you talk with your T about that as an option? What does it look like to let go of trying to help her and not being upset about the choices she makes?

Just a thought....

 

[littleoc]

Hmm

Let me think on that and get back to you, @Freida :)

 

[littleoc]

I think I feel that she is intruding on my childhood, with it. I feel that I’m being prevent from getting the appropriate help, or seeing what help I need (thinking of my $50 impulsive purchase I made about sixteen minutes ago, not regretting it at all though). I also feel that the mess is responsible for me getting “tortured” in a hospital setting.

I hope that makes sense. It’s not all, I’m fighting my brain today. A little human brain.

There have been very, very strange coincidences today. [rest omitted because luckily I realized it was nonsense BEFORE I posted it]

I cut my finger bad enough to think about getting one stitch (two wouldn’t do) and decided to just wait and see, instead of spend money. It’s working fine, except my brain is now associating “tomato” with “very sharp” so now spaghetti sauce tastes “sharp.” It’s an interesting sensation, to have your body protect its soft parts from “sharp” involuntary (to your main conscious) while you enjoy.

Also, I made zucchini bread to thank my boss and the dean who helped me so much. The dean — the one who’s a bit of a father figure to me — he’s giving me driving lessons on Monday. I hope it goes well :)

Also also, saved two lil cakes for my mom.

Also also also, I made a friend who’s currently 72 but was never married. I’m really fascinated at his life choices. Also, his hearing aids are way cooler than my brother’s, so I’m probably going to recommend them to him. My twin had t worn his hearing aids in a while, just pretends he isn’t deaf. For gatherings, I often just warn people that he is deaf so that they’ll be sure to include him. Being autistic and deaf at the same time looks easy if you’re him, though. Most people don’t notice either right away, even when he turns his head to listen with his good ear.

When I first started this diary, one of the memories I started with was my twin brother going deaf in that ear after my dad threw my mom and a coat rack over him, long story short. But when I bring it up nowadays, everyone says he was deaf before that. And it wasn’t trauma related.

But I remember differently. And I was the one diagnosed with a too-clear memory in infancy to teen years. I think I trust my judgement. It’s possible he had fluid in his inner ear before then. It’s also possible that getting physically squashed could have done something to make it permanently worse, and maybe people were covering my father.

I don’t know. Things are kind of confusing. Time for bed!

I hope y’all had a great Wednesday

 

[littleoc]

.....also also also also, I hope that made sense. I’m having a bit of a time between reality and not. Feeling very strange today. I’m not sure if the not-stitched finger is doing it or what. I feel strongly that something happened this afternoon (like a trigger, not something super bad or anything, I’m very safe here) but maybe I’m just very tired.

I did notice something hilarious, though. This fatherly dean figure I keep mentioning? I just realized he has the same first name as my biological father.

Even better: his wife? Same name (and same spelling!) as my mom!

Not that I need a replacement mom. Just that it’s the best coincidence.




On that note, I am very jumpy today. Flickering lights have always been a little suspicious to me, though.

 

[Freida]

Just that it’s the best coincidence.

wow! yes it is!

 

[littleoc]

Are Waffle Houses always this shout-y?

 

[somerandomguy]

All the ones I've been in have been very loud!

 

[littleoc]

Well then! They should have a quiet corner near the Jukebox!