Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Let me try one more time. I’m actually in a pretty good mood, I’m not sure why my text keeps getting crowded with dark things. Probably because I need sleep. And to eat my dinner. (It’s 9:52, though, my bedtime was seven minutes ago.) Also probably because I don’t have a therapist here. I only have one when I’m living with my mom.

I think I want a therapist in my bedroom to help me finish cleaning it. Problem is, they’d have to come through the front door. Which is somehow EVEN worse than it exactly seven days ago. I mean it. You can’t see the wall. My coat is covered. There is no kitchen. The cat is clearly uncomfortable.

I can drive now, though :D I need an adult person to keep teaching me for, uh, a while. Not sure the amount of hours really matters after age 23?

I’m anxious about how to move back in. The house is a wreck. A big wreck. Worse than a fire hazard.

And I checked the fire extinguishers. Two of them say they don’t have enough pressure. One of them says it does, but is only type C. I’d better buy another one. ABC. At this point I’m afraid to clean it.

Even worse, my mom’s smoke detectors are low battery, aren’t opening, and she won’t take them where she should.

No, this is ridiculous. I’m calling authorities.

No... I don’t know.

What am I happy about today? My bird is healthy! My doggo is healthy! I’m getting free driving lessons! I have random support in weird places. Also, for another week, enough space to live my life. Also I got free Subway today. Not that I like Subway. But it was free!!!

Also I accidentally made Alfredo sauce with whipping cream instead of heavy cream. It tastes great. Garlicky. Would be better on fish than my noodles, but hey! And I have Lima beans. I highly recommend those things

Thanks, @mumstheword . Y’all are great. I guess I’ve gotten comfortable really complaining on here.

Is that some kind of milestone? :P

 

[somerandomguy]

@littleoc, I think I enjoy reading your complaining more than most novels. I wish you were in a place where you didn't have to complain, though.

 

[littleoc]

That made me feel way better about my life. Got a laugh out of me! Thank you!





....just so y’all know, if y’all met my mom, I think you’d like her. She’s becoming more and more angry at strangers lately, but she likes to joke with them and have fun. She’s a good person who brings laughter to people. Is protective of children. She just can’t control her own life and is very overwhelmed. And I’m apparently becoming a teenager? I didn’t really get to be a teenager, so. Maybe. Only thankfully I can predict and understand the consequences of my actions. So that’s pretty fun.

I guess I have a right to be frustrated about it. I think the problem is that I’m refusing to let her make that choice to be neglectful to herself. I’m not really sure how firm I should be on that. I also probably don’t want to know. She hinted at me that she is still paying a Christmas debt. I have a good memory, and it tells me she bought me only cookies for Christmas, also a sowing kit to put in the tin when we’re done (all her gifts are always humor, it’s easier to afford than genuine things. Creeped my little brother out to get nice gifts instead of a block of cheese from his wife’s family).

Also, I meant to note this... last Saturday? I was putting it off.

I impulsively bought a $200 statue from a Russian artist who is notorious for not properly delivering her art, or answering inquiries, and I also compulsively bought five plants. I regret it zero, but I can tell I should be more thoughtful in the future about it.

Oh, wait, I know why I’m being randomly dark. Someone died today. That makes perfect sense. (We weren’t close. He was my age though. Undiagnosed heart condition. I’m worried Brandi may have it but she wouldn’t get checked. Started avoiding critical vaccines as well. So that might explain why some of these things are bothering me all of a sudden but only coming out when I feel safe to rant at a screen. But this is a very supportive screen)

 

[littleoc]

Nestle recommends lima beans even more than I do

Same about green beans and sweet potatoes

 

[Freida]

@Freida , I wasn’t ignoring you when I liked and then didn’t answer. I am just very tired.

Oh hun don't worry about that at all -- it was just a thought for you.

I’m too empathetic to work in an emergency room.

Yes you are. I don't want to sound discouraging but people who care too much have a really, really hard time with working emergencies. Mostly because you don't get to see the outcome. You save them, walk away, save the next one, walk away. It's like the hamster wheel from hell. I've seen it destroy people in dispatch because there are so many outcomes they can't change and stories they can't find the end too. But. The people behind the scenes are just as important to the outcome and sometimes even more important. Because those are the people who give the rest the tools to do what they need to do - which is save lives.

I should mention he’s an atheist.

LOL -- uhmmmm...atheists don't believe in hell ?

I guess I have a right to be frustrated about it.

You have every right to be frustrated. You deserve to be treated better than this. You deserve to live in a place where you can be healthy. This is a bit extreme but based on how your mom is tanking it might be necessary. Call the local fire marshal and ask them to come check the house. If it is really bad they will tell her they are going to condemn it if she doesn't do something because it is a health hazard for those who live there and a danger to emergency services if they have to respond for a fire or medical emergency. That's the reason a lot of hoarders end up on the show -- a last ditch to keep their homes. She may hate you, but it might just save both your lives.

 

[littleoc]

If it is really bad they will tell her they are going to condemn it if she doesn't do something because it is a health hazard for those who live there and a danger to emergency services if they have to respond for a fire or medical emergency.

I think so. I have been thinking all day about how I’m supposed to clean it. Finally occurred to me that I just can’t. Not even just because of the PTSD or OCD, or because of allergies, or even anxiety. It’s because this is so out of hand that it requires a professional, end of story. Realized that about two hours ago. It’s dangerous. Dangerous to the point that I couldn’t think of how to properly disinfect the carpet under the dining room table (cat poop, possibly dead mice, cat urine on lamp wires, missing social security cards and birth certificates that I hope we’re already thrown away, ten kinds of fungus, baby fruit flies (no proof but I know flies well enough to know they’re there)), how to disinfect behind the TV where the cat used to poop when no one did her liter box — I mean, I’ve done a lot of “professional” work at risk to my own life. She can’t keep blaming me. She needs a solution. And if we go into debt for it, whatever. Or I’ll, next year when I have another chance, beg Sandy from Hoarders tv show to come in despite my mom’s disagreement. My mom can’t walk. And you know what? Neither can I, when I’m in thisbhouse. And I’m tired of thinking about it.

I am going to text my sister. My mom takes my sister very seriously for some reason. Also am very sure my sister will side with me on this.

I remember when the police invaded after I had to assist my brother who had cut himself too deep. (Glad I was taught how to deal with that.) That was embarrassing. The house is worse now.

And my mom won’t take care of herself, so having someone force therapy, while usually not helpful, would be good. Throwback to when 16-year-old me had to help her through a f*cking heart attack because she refused to call an ambulance. When to the doctor a week later. Amazing she lived. Glad she did. But a stupid thing to risk putting a teenager through.

No, I’m pretty done with situations like these. I call ambulances now. I get this house clean in a way that doesn’t kill anyone. Also, buy that fire extinguisher. Since the old ones are old.

I mean, this is ridiculous. Ridiculous. Beyond just denial. There’s a pile of trash bigger than an elephant. And I’m tired of it being my problem. For f*ck’s sake.

 

[littleoc]

Also, I agree @Freida , that would ruin me. If I end up going into medicine, it can’t be in the emergency side. I am too protective of people and too easily heartbroken when they don’t cooperate or don’t make it. Which most don’t. A third get worse just from medical mistakes alone.

Plus, can you imagine an ER doctor who requires eight to nine hours of sleep? Lol

I should just focus on my MFA for the next 4-6 years. I can worry about how well I am PTSD-wise later.

Luckily, I know OCD only gets in my way for one thing in particular. The rest, all good. I’ve even taken maggots out of wounds before, no problem, in the midst of back-when-my-OCD-was-so-bad-doctors-used-it-as-an-example-for-student-doctors phase (from the head of a cat; the cat lived, named him Stone).

Also got vomited and urinated on by a woman older than I was who was seizing bad in the isles during the movie my theater was playing. I didn’t have to clean it up, though d:<

Not sure what that’s good for exactly, but hey lol looks nice on a resume (piled neatly as “responded to emergencies, left note in her pocket for five free movies for her and her two friends that the EMTs and doctors hopefully didn’t lose on the way”)

 

[littleoc]

Fun fact of the day: pigs let mud dry on them and then flake off. That removes dirt, bacteria, fungi, virus particles, and prevents sunburn.

Also, hens sing when they are in a good mood, and cows are one of the few mammals whose brains respond to music (they like it)

 

[littleoc]

Another fun fact: most plants can “speak” insect languages (in various ways)

I’m trying to prove that I have indeed had a good week

 

[littleoc]

Sad fact of the day: my boss does not wash her hands after using the restroom

Also she eats fried chicken without a plate directly on her keyboard and her monitor has greasy chicken finger prints

Two years ago when I worked in IT, I had to clean both. Ended up just getting her a new computer, lol. Promptly changed jobs, ended up working for her. She’s cool though, makes me feel like maybe I’m not that gross after all. Also is a great person so you can tell being gross isn’t deciding factor of ones worth as a human being, which is nice

 

[LuckiLee]

Would you be able to call your grandparents about the house? They could definitely help get the ball rolling...

 

[littleoc]

Would you be able to call your grandparents about the house? They could definitely help get the ball rolling...

Oh, they could... but they are also the landlords and I’m a bit worried about them gossiping in their higher-class gossip groups. My dad (the first layer of trash’s cause) would hear about it also. He hears everything his stepmom hears. Plus, they’ve sided with him about letting him come back to torment my mom with threats of “my stuff is in your shed,” you know, ten years after the divorce. So honestly I’m not sure I trust them. I’m very certain they’d invite my dad over, or refuse to let us get the right kind of help. My aunts have been gossiping about this stupid house ever since my Aunt Michelle who nearly became our mom accused my little brother of sexually abusing me (which he was not, at all, she was just suddenly realizing that she was upset for choosing her sex-abusing husband over her children and LETTING the state take possession of them).

It’s a good idea though, but I am sure they may cause harm. They’ve helped clean up the house five times now. Bought us a new fridge. (Thank goodness; I couldn’t find the parts to the old one.) But my grandmother wants things done immediately but then doesn’t execute it in a safe or thoughtful way. It’s frustrating on my end, because everyone will look to me for what to do next and then she’ll step in and do something not helpful completely on accident.

But on the other hand, if they knew how fed up I was, and that their property was getting damaged.... I mean, that WOULD get the ball rolling. No one wants to own a house they can’t sell. And my little bro has called them about this house before and not gotten burned alive. And he’s the one my grandparents briefly wouldn’t talk to because he “lied” about being sexually abused by my father. (Why lies about something like that? Honestly?)

Maybe I’m worried about my mom again. Last time I got help for a part of the house from my grandma, she eventually lost her temper when my mom didn’t 100% cooperate (in her opinion) and told my mom she was tired of this house. My mom came and reported it to me like some kind of horrible betrayal and clearly wanted me to be angry and pick a side. I’m not dramatic enough for that. I cried with anxiety. Couldn’t function the rest of the day for the migraine that followed. Angrily realized later how immature everyone was being about a septic tank (including me, but, I told myself, at least I had trauma related to the damn thing and had clearly indicated that all talk about it should be made sensitive).

Maybe I should just move out.